Monday, September 29, 2008
I have a Savior who lives and loves me. He died for me, and now lives again so that I can one day live again with him and my Father after this frail existence. He loves me. My Father in Heaven loves me... I am a CHILD of GOD. Sometimes I think I forget what that really means... Do you know what that really means? You have Heavenly parents who love and care about you - they want you to succeed and ultimately, be sincerely happy. My Heavenly Father is always there for my to talk to, cry to, and thank - He will never, never cease listening to me, because he loves me. I am his literal CHILD, and he is my literal FATHER. I can become like him someday, and inherit all that he has and is...
I know that the scriptures are the true word of God... The Book of Mormon and Bible testify of our Savior, Jesus Christ, His atoning sacrifice, and His ability to heal us not only from physical pain or sin, but from out trails, temptations, and emotional turmoil. This is also done because He loves us with all of His being. The Book or Mormon teaches us how to follow the standards of the gospel, thus leading us back to eternal joy through righteous actions.
I was thinking today about personal actions in life... I have been studying a lot on Faith in the scriptures and in the Bible Dictionary it states that Faith is a principle of action and power. That we gain more Faith, and the power to grow and achieve things through righteous action. This is why our church believes that "faith without works is dead," and why we are "saved by grace after all tat we can do." People say that the LDS church does not believe in being saved through Christ's grace. I testify that we do believe in grace, but that grace is bestowed upon us according to our willingness to accept it- our faith. Faith is grown and nourished through righteous actions. After we are doing what we can do (remember everyone is different, so it is different for each individual what they can do - this is one reason we are commanded to not pass judgment) we are blessed and Christ's grace is recognized and sufficent to "make up the rest." Since "all we can do" is never everything, we MUST have faith in his grace to make up the rest and save us. I know that we are saved by grace, after all that we can do... :)
I know that there is a plan for each person on this earth... a personal plan, because Heavenly Father loves each of us individually. Heavenly Father does not pick and chose who to love, or have a plan for. He simply and beautifully loves each of His children... and as we are all His children, we all have an eternal plan. As we put our faith, hope, and trust in the Lord, he will guide us to our chosen path and even walk with us through the hard (and easy) times. All we are required to do is "ask... and we shall receive."
We are often tested and tried to our limits so that we will 1) turn more fully and appreciatively to the Lord, 2) learn for ourselves or our personal strengthens and capabilities, and 3) to help us gain stronger conviction within our faith and the standards for which we live by. As we and faithfully and prayerfully turn to the Lord in these trying times of hardship, he will come unto us and receive out burdens as His own. I testify that he will relieve us before it has grown too much to bear - The Lord with never ask us to give more than possible. He knows us better than we know ourselves, which is why we must put our faith and trust in him, and his timing. Again, I bear testimony that Heavenly Father has a plan for us and wants us to live with Him again. He will help us through this SHORT life, and gain eternal exaltation and eternal joy following this
life... This is, again, because he LOVES us.
I testify of these eternal truths and stand by my convictions, with each word I have written. I know that the gospel of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the full truth upon the face of this earth - it is Christ's restored gospel. I know that Christ and Heavenly Father appeared to the Joseph as means to restore the gospel to the earth, and that Joseph Smith was a prophet of the Lord. We do not worship Joseph Smith, but we honor and look to him... I know that President Thomas S. Monson is a modern-day prophet on the face of the earth today. We can still attain revelation from the heavens through him, our other apostles, and through our own personal revelation by the gift of the Holy Ghost.
I know that Heavenly Father lives and loves me. I know that Jesus Christ, Heavenly Father's son, also lives and loves me... That he died for me, and resurrected to a perfect being. That he died for me out of love and faith in me that I can, and will, return to my Father in Heaven again someday to live with them both. I know that the scriptures are the word of God and as we follow them we will be able to feel of God's love for us and have a more full desire to serve Him, and see Him again - We will be drawn to do what is right. I know eternal families are real, and that temples are an opportunity to bring families together forever... and I am thankful that I know I will see my family again one day - including my Heavenly Father and brother, Jesus Christ. I love my Savior, and testify of these eternal truths in his sacred name, Amen.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Smart man. Love him.
How do you box your emotions and memories and store them away? This is an interesting and loaded question/concept. It is a topic I have discussed before and have spent much time recently dwelling on in attempt to find a reasonable answer. Nevertheless, I have found no answer at all other than simply doing it... It's like trying anything new, or having faith in something you are struggling believing; You try it out and live like it's natural, until it becomes so.
Dusty shelves hold material memories.
Locked hearts hold emotional memories.
Burning books destroy recorded memories.
Bleeding hearts rehash memories.
Hearts in repair, lock out memories.
New hearts overcome and embrace memories.
Just some random thoughts...
So, as of late I have decided that in my life I must forge in new directions and make new, creative plans for myself. In five years, where do I want to be? In ten years? I wanna make a road map for myself and watch it change as the Lord sees fit. Haha!
So, let's start this out easy... Where do I want to be in life... ?
Next Year: I would ideally like to be working for a company I enjoy being involved with and making at least $40, 000 a year. I would like to be heading back to school to complete my Master's Degree, either in Comms or getting my MPA. I would also like to have paid off all of all of my undergraduate loans, live outside of my home again, and own my first car.
Three Years: Be graduated with my Master's Degree and be working in an established events planning/PR job that is making $60,000+ a year. Spend at least a few months living in LA or DC!
Five Years: Have moved up in the company and be in established position, in a significant leadership role. Married; This could happen around the three year mark as well, but I don't know that it will. We'll see.
Ten Years: Married with a few children. Working from home for an events business and improving in my knowledge of event and social trends. Preparing to fund my and open my own events planning business!
From there, who knows if I will be in events or education... I enjoy both, and we will see where life leads me. Of course, a few things will change my time-line... One) If I go on a mission 2) If/when I have my own family they will be numero uno on my list of priorities. So, that will fit in more and more to my list as I get married and have children... I wish I could plot that on my time-line. Haha! I would love to be secure enough with my husband's income to not have to work, but still get to work - if your know what I mean. I really LOVE working and staying busy, so I would love to still be doing a little something... Even if it is simply aiding in my child's Kindergarten class! Haha...
Now, enough of life planning for now. I still have yet to make a Mission Statement for my life... So, I shall give it a shot, but probably do a lot of revising over the course of the week to perfect it:
The mission of Linze Struiksma is to grow and progress toward perfection in pursuit for eternal life. I will live a life full of intensive learning and development as I surround myself with motivating and positive settings and individuals. My commitment to excellence will be shown through my service to others, especially my family. I will maintain a balanced life by being a well-rounded individual – educated in the arts, sports, the political arena, history, current events around the world, and of course, the gospel of Jesus Christ. I will teach my family and friends to do the same within their lives.
To succeed in this mission, I will not fear change and progression within the workplace, church or internally. I will be kind and understanding of all those I come in contact with, as I strive to continually improve my networking abilities and relationships with others. Effective communication, open honesty, and genuine trust will be the foundation for any established relationship. I will always remember to be open-minded and understanding to new ideas or cultures. I will maintain flexibility and patience as new situations are placed in front of me.
My life will be lived to experience true happiness and help others enjoy each day! I will show gratitude to those around me, and tell those close to me how much I love and appreciate them each day. My positive attitude and genuine concern for the individual are to be shared openly with others. I will use my drive, passions, and talents to bless my family and the lives of others – I will share the gift of music and communication with the world. I will teach others to fight for what they believe in, and chase their truest desires by doing so for myself.
I will strive to be a constant example of truth and light to all those I come in contact with, and share my testimony through my actions. I will raise my family to have integrity and live in correspondence with these eternal truths. My educational, occupational, and personal goals are to be centered on my desire to grow closer to my Savior, and become who I was meant to be. Personal responsibilities must always lie in serving others in each project I undertake and decision that I make; doing so will bring me closer to Christ. I will make every effort to convey happiness in my home and social situations, and bring strength to those around me.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
I have not dreamed this much while I sleep in years. My mind is constantly running, and is simultaneously on high alert - ready to strike the first intruder who is not welcomed within each dream or thought. Each morning I awake, still tired from the never-ending tumult inside of my private dreams...
I feel as though these dreams aren't private either. Each day I feel as though my thoughts, emotions, and dreams are being broadcast to those around me with each encounter. A piece of this is my fault, as I have been so open with my thoughts and feelings when speaking with new and old friends. However, these people don't see my "dreams." They just hear my in cohesive babel related to relationships, jobs, family, and my many "encounters."
Here is how I feel, right now, this moment. I feel scared, lonely, tired, drained, confused, elated, hopeful, happy, angry, frustrated, discontent, thoughtful, half-baked, wanting, lost... I feel SO many mixed emotions, I have ceased having the ability to make any clear decisions. I wish I could explain in means that were intelligible... Right now, I am describing my feelings as clear as mud. Well, the mud is getting thicker and stickier, and I'm slowly sinking...
It boils down to this. I can not seem to gain a new future or let go of the past. I can not seem to
live for tomorrow, but am constantly in the future or the past... I am filled with worry and doubt, and that is not a very "Linze" thing to feel. Everyone turns to me for strength and understanding... Not this time. Who do I turn to?
Heavenly Father, of course... and yet, I feel as though he has given me the reins on this one and now I am lost in the desert with only a dying horse to guide me back... I have to choose the paths, and he wants me to learn from each dead end and round-about I encounter.
One day I will look back and be overwhelmingly grateful for these experiences and emotions, but for now I remain in a level of pain. Yes, that's the way to describe the state I am in: One of pain. I thought that was an exaggeration, and it may be, but I am hurting right now and can't seem to find the treatment or medication to numb the pain and heal the wound. Perhaps, tomorrow?
Enough ramblings... I am finished and shall desist until dawn.
P.S. My life right now could be a Provo version of The Hills? Who needs Lauren when you have the life of Linze? Yea. I should be getting paid for waking up each day... :)
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Bating me to choose a side.
Numb to the voices inside my head,
Though other voices invade my perception.
Weightless pressure captures each breath
Making a decision that's life of death...
Life to a friendship to bloom into more
Death to a friendship that fades from before.
There always seems to be reason to allow for one more chance...
Images painted in my mind
Give me hope and determination
En graven memories create only one side to every story
Help me see which line to cross
To see which path is in my creation
We need to look past potential and could-have-beens,
And cling to what is now and can be.
Help me see which line to cross, which life to chose...
- Linze Struiksma (copyright)
I feel eternally torn - yes, eternally. Even if I know that in the eternal perspective it could have nothing to do with my path, I also know my life's decisions right now could have EVERYTHING to do with eternity. When you grow up, life gets much more complicated than it needs to me because of indecision and fear. I have lived my life trying to be fearless, and now with each decision I am making I feel a bit of second-guess work creeping into my heart.
I know I am not eternally torn, and yet I feel that way right now. Tonight. It is interesting to me how much weight lies within the choices and feelings that we have during this time in our lives. It's simply crazy to me... I know I am capable of and trusted to make amazing and inspired decisions at this point in my life, but that doesn't mean they will be made easier - and they are not being made easier in my life. I'm waiting to know in my mind and in my heart what course of action to take with each step I take.
Side-note: Life really is fabulous! I am doing so well with things... I didn't hear back today from the Energy Solutions Arena and so I'm not sure what to think because I thought I would. If I don't hear by Monday than I need to start looking other places because my chances just shot way down. I hope I hear tomorrow... Hm. Things are so hard right now... I just wanna be working a full-time job that I love and am passionate about... Something that I would be awesome at, and continue to grow from while doing things that I enjoy.
I am just having a tough time with making the transition right now from college kid, to working adult. I feel like I don't really belong anywhere anymore, and I just wanna feel acceptance and love from something familiar. I really am loving life though and having a great time with family and friends - no worry there. :)