And So, I Will... My Ode to 2015!

I took some time for self-reflection over this week, approaching the New Year, and realized a few things.  I have a lot of growth left to go in order to achieve my goals.  I have some lofty goals, especially in the areas of fitness and personal/career.  I know what I really want, and it's going to take even more dedication than I have put forward and even greater amounts of work.  That being said, I want to take a moment to recognize I kicked 2015's ass.... I mean, I really brought my own in 2015.  I know that I have SO much more work to do, and I will do it... however, I also want to recognize how far I've come.

During the year 2015, I hit the lowest weight and size I have been since High School.  I do not remember a time I was quite this healthy, in fact.  I have come to recognize that weight isn't everything, and nor is size, but health and fitness mean SO much more.  I do not win some grand prize form being below 200 pounds or being a size 10, but I feel accomplished and driven.  I want to be even further in my goals with fitness - to have the body I really want to have the ability to do certain things without so much strain... and so, I will.  

During 2015, I signed-up for a competitive team sports league... that doesn't start till 2016, but STILL!  That's a huge feat for me... I never believed I would do that again unless it was kickball.  I basically willingly signed-up to go running for an hour straight every Sunday night.  In preparation, I have even been getting up before school at 5:15am to do cardio before work and increase my endurance.  Yea... if you know me at ALL, that's dedication right there... mornings. 

During the year 2015, I grew at lot as a musical artist.  I put a LOT more genuine focus on my YouTube channel and growing in who I want to be as a musical artist.  My voice has improved and gotten back into greater shape.  I made over 40 cover videos and played a handful of live shows.  I sang the national anthem at 9 big events.  I began singing with my worship team at SMCC, and experienced and embraced new kinds of music.  I want to be further with my music goals, and this year I want to release and EP, never miss a #nmm (#newmusicmonday), and play at least one live show a month... and so, I will.

During the year 2015,  Scott Alan picked me as a finalist for his trip to London to sing with him at the Hippodrome.  He named me as his #3 choice and posted my video.  And, although I felt that I wasn't suppose to go for many reasons... I know I am good enough to sing on his stage and many to come.  I want to continue in my dreams with music... and so, I will.  

During the year 2015,  I grew closer to my Savior.  I grew to understand what Christ really is to me as a Savior and comforter... I learned what it meant to put FULL FAITH in my Heavenly Father and trust He had me - that He would guide me.  I began a Bible Study class and have taken to really understanding the New Testament, and how it can help me be a better individual/follower of Christ.  I am STILL working on trusting God in all aspects of my life, but when I struggle, I will always come back to a few moments of 2015 to remind me of His power and my need to trust... 

During the year 2015, I survived brain surgery.  I don't wanna toot my own horn, but that's a pretty bad-ass ice-breaker if I ever heard one before.  The best part, I wasn't even fearful because I sincerely knew that in this instance God had my back... He always does, I simply am still learning to believe that's the case.  I knew what He wanted for me, and knew I had more to give to the world, so I went in with total peace in my heart that whatever happened was His will... and it was.  I am healthier and happier now, and I want to continue to improve my health each day... and so, I will.

During the year 2015, I started to fight Lyme Disease.  It's exhausting.  I put on a strong face a lot in my life - always have and always will - however, I will be brutally honest here for a moment and say that Lyme is draining... fighting Lyme is draining.  I'm tired a lot.  I feel sick a lot.  It makes me struggle to eat or want to eat, and it messes with my weight-loss goals... but I'm gonna defeat it and be the master of my own body.  I recently read a book about how to eat specifically to aid in fighting Lyme - and got rid of a chunk of my food.  I want to learn how to live with Lyme and still function at optimal capacity... and so, I will.  

During 2015, I directed an amazing musical.  

During 2015, I ran SoF with gnarly food-posioning.  

During 2015, I learned to stand up for myself.

During 2015, I showed friends how to lift weights, when two years ago, I had no idea.

During 2015, I had moments of weakness and moments of strength.

During 2015, I overcame unimaginable moments of self-defeat. 

During 2015, I formed more of who I truly am as a human being and child of God.  

During 2015, I tasted success, ran from it, tasted it again, and am learning how to embrace it. 

During 2015, I effed up... and I figured it out.

During the year 2015, I grew a lot.  This was a year of developing and deciding for myself who I really want to be.  We all make statements about what we're going to do, and I've been doing this for awhile now.  I may still be figuring out all the puzzle pieces, but hey... actions do speak louder than words.  I want to be SO much greater in all areas of my life than I am currently in... and so, I will.

*muah*

Song of the Day: The cover that got me recognized by Scott Alan, even more so than his own song I covered, was "How Will I Know," Sam Smith's version of Whitney's classic.  The nicest part, is I just sang it on a whim... completely what I wanted in the moment.  THAT is my goal for 2016 - to sing whatever the hell I want whenever I want to sing it... Here's a little sneak peak of my first cover for #newmusicmonday in 2016, which I covered that evening simply because it felt like the right thing to sing right then - Justin Bieber's "Love Yourself..."  Enjoy and check out the full video on Monday! :)

Angiograms and Happy Dances!

Today, I learned what an Angiogram is, and how in-depth it can be... WHY did I learn this you ask?

Today, I had an Angiogram.

Now, your next question may or may not be the same as mine.... What the HELL is an angiogram and WHY did you have to have one?  Good question.

If you did not/do not know what an angiogram is, don't feel ashamed... I had one today and I STILL didn't understand fully until I was actually IN the procedure.  An angiogram is (dictionary definition), "an imaging test that uses x-rays to view your body's blood vessels. Physicians often use this test to study narrow, blocked, enlarged, or malformed arteries or veins in many parts of your body, including your brain, heart, abdomen, and legs."  In fifth grade terms, they hook me up to a bunch of machines by running a cord into me to my brain through my thigh and inject dye to see the different parts of my brain.  I was fully awake during the tests and they put all the videos and pictures in front of me right after to explain options and what each picture meant - it was awesome!  The worst part about the whole thing was when the stent in my thigh didn't catch and they had to push down and put pressure on the wound sight for 20 MINUTES afterward!  I thought I would die for a minute - saw the blinding light and did NOT go to it - but it was fine. :)  Thank the Lord above for a high pain tolerance!

For those who do not recall from a few entries back, I was diagnosed in March with a brain aneurysm in my carotid artery.  I've felt symptoms that somewhat tie to this for the past few weeks, but mostly I just have to deal with "taking things slow and light" and focus on killing the Lyme in my body.  So, today they did this test in order to determine the exact procedure and next steps we can and will take to get rid of and defend against this aneurysm.  The doctor I worked with today (amazing doctor!) came out before the procedure to talk options he already was considering and what he felt was the best route.  I knew I liked him immediately when he stated that he thought monitoring was a dumb option too.... I wanna live a full-go-get-em life, and background worry about an aneurysm bursting could harness that greatly.  He suggested a pipeline stent, and after testing, that's what we've decided to do.

The best part about this news... No open brain surgery! That's a lot safer and less potential for infection.  Also......

........ I get to keep my hair!!! Call me shallow.  Call me stupid for thinking about this.  I really don't give a flying... I love my hair.  I've spent a LONG time getting it to the wondrous flowing locks it's at now... Therefore, I was not wanting to cut/shave any section of it.  Now, if this was life or death and they needed to, I'm all in!  However, since they don't have too, I'm allowed to do a slight celebratory dance in my heart.  I'm not allowed to actually dance for a few days while I recover from the stent they put in my thigh today post testing.  So, heart dance it is!!!

*moment of silence for my dance to occur*

Moving onward, I'm happy to have answers and a more definitive direction to move with getting to optimal health and body.  I'm excited to take care of these issues and no longer struggle with brain and memory issues.  I'm killing Lyme, and we're taking control of this aneurysm... and today, I am SO grateful for the gift of modern medicine to aide in this process.   I am grateful for the support of friends and family, pushing me to look into my health and take care of myself.  I am thankful for my body, and the amazing things it can do...

Happy dance, carry on.  Linze, carry on.
*muah*

Song of the Day:  For those not aware, I am really chasing the music thing as of late.  I've started a thing on YouTube called #newmusicmonday where I post a new cover every Monday and encourage friends and family to like, listen, and share.  So, in honor of #newmusicmonday and my working vocal chords (my therapy the past two months), here is this week's cover - a Sia song, "Soon We'll Be Found."  Enjoy!

Focus on the POSITIVE.

"Negative thinkers focus on the problem.  Positive thinkers focus on results/solutions."

I'm two weeks out from deciphering exactly what is going to happen about my brain aneurysm ... Originally, there was no appointment set until May 28th, but I opted for a trip to Park City to move up the appointment and just get this taken care of as soon as possible.  As their only date open happens to be on my father's birthday, and my mom's is two days later, my mom took off work and we decided to make a trip out of it.  I mean, why not?! We may as well live it up and not make the day about my appointment with the neurosurgeon.  See, this is what I'm learning...

There is power on focusing on the positive.  There is power in letting your energy come from the beautiful things in life, and letting God figure out the rest.  I'm not ignoring the issues, or burying them - I'm 100% dealing with everything thrown my way - but I'm not focusing on them or letting them run my day.

That day in Park City will be about celebrating my Dad and Mom's birthdays, eating good food, shopping at the outlets, and chillin' as a family.  On a side note, I'll have a doctor's appointment that day that can only help me in determining what exactly I'll need to do to be healthier and happier in the future - to feel as and be my optimal self.  It'll be a good day... :)

On that note, I'm excited to meet with the neurosurgeon and determine what my next steps can/will be.  I know my aneurysm is located in carotid artery (looks more like the upper neck than brain in each picture I've looked up), which is the least likely place for an aneurysm to burst.  So, that's a great sign.  I've been placed on "don't spike or seriously raise your heart rate" restrictions right now, meaning no hardcore running and no lifting.  I have become SUCH a weird indivdiual because I genuinely have missed lifting the past three weeks... I mean, once I'm cleared my first course of action will be leg day.  Try and stop me.

I've been told that with some people they simple monitor the aneurysm, but the problem there is I'm not a "take it half speed" kind of girl.  I'm into pushing myself and plan to just go harder as the years come at me.  Thus, monitoring and hoping nothing happens sounds like a bad plan.  Pending on risk of surgery, I'm opting for a full removal and recovery process so I can start to really go at weight-lifting and training again, and so this can be out of my way so I can focus on treating Lyme even more effectively.  When you remove one problem, it allows you the needed space and ability to focus on the other issues at hand and fix those.  Thus, I'm opting for removal.  We'll see what they say, but I want to be at OPTIMAL health within the next two years, and I'm completely capable of this with the path my body is on.

Sidenote:  I've been on Lyme meds for almost three weeks now, and I'm starting to feel better in minimal ways - but I'll take it, because better is better!  I'm tired LATER in the day typically, and I'm over the "flu-like" symptoms stage, which is great.  I think they'll need to up my dosage because I'm still exhausted and pushing major headaches 4-5 days a week, but we'll get it right and I'll get there soon enough. :)

There's the update.

Now, back to the moral of the entry.... Focus on the positive.  Focus on the beautiful things in life, and the things you are learning from each trail or triumph - you learn in both moments.  Allow you Father in Heaven and Savior to take on the worry and stress, and allow them to heal you, because guess what... Your Savior already has healed you.  Just say thank you, and keep working hard to show your appreciation.  See, that's why I'm not as "stressed as I should be," in MOST moments (I'm human, so I have my freak-out sessions) - I know that ultimately, I'm taken care of and what's suppose to happen will happen if I do my part to take care of the issue.  Turn it over to Him and let CHRIST build you.

I know my entries tend to get spiritually-centered, but I refuse to have it any other way.  The ONLY way I have genuinely been okay through my process of trials (now and at all times in my life) has been through my Savior, and I think it's only right to say thank you and to help others recognize His hand in their lives as well.  I am grateful for my Savior and His guiding strength in my life... for a Father in Heaven who loves me and has created a way for me to leave my worry with Him, and live with Him after this life, AND during this life.

Turn to God.  It can be scary for some, but I'm learning it's worth giving up the control - I promise.
*muah*

Song of the Day:  I was dying to cover this one, but I am having real issues finding a back-up track... So, for now, check out the original - I may have posted this one before...  In the spirit of Easter and thankfulness, here is Jon McLaughlin with "We All Need Saving."