My Resolution: Simply Be Me

I've been mentally dwelling on this upcoming year and resolutions that I could make for this New Year's Eve. I could write down all my hopes and dreams, rewrite them into clever goals, and then proceed to never look at them again until the end of the year. This is what I do each year. I'm not ashamed to admit it, because this has been the case in the past. I always make the same goals too... The main one being something about losing weight and upping my personal "hot-o-meter." Haha!

Each year I fail. Yes, I fluctuate weight and it goes up and down, but I never really seem to keep off a lot of weight. This past year, however, I did lose 17 pounds and I kept off 13 of those pounds. That's good on me! More important, I had a realization this past year.

I realized that the reason I always made the same goal was because I was concerned about what boys thought. It's true. I am 25 years old, and I am just now realizing that there is so much more to me than physical appearance and what someone thinks about the size of my waist or thighs. I've had virtually NO trouble grasping this concept in regards to other individuals, but considering myself, I have always fallen short of this comprehension.

I can recall thinking on this a lot after New Year's Eve of my senior year in HS. I spent the night at my friend Laura's house with a bunch of the girls from marching band. All the boys stayed at a house just across the street and we probably separated at about four in the morning. Before we dozed off to catch a few hours of sleep, we started talking about the boys - of course. One of the girls was so concerned that some of the boys were giving her attention because of her larger assets.

Hey, I'm trying to keep this G-Rated people.

As this girl continued to complain, I told her how beautiful she was and not to worry about it. I said, if she was really concerned not to wear things that drew so much attention to them. She didn't have to do that to get attention, but she didn't feel that way. She stated, "Linze, you're so lucky. You're never going to have to worry about a boy liking you or marrying you for your looks. You'll know they really love YOU."

Um... ouch.

I look back now (as in, the last year and half) and can laugh. I know that she didn't really mean it in a cruel way, but it was probably not the best way to get across her point. I am lucky. I'm not a Barbie or a beauty queen, and I believe that I really will know that someone loves me for me before I get married. However, I'm not un-beautiful. I'm not some homely, hideous woman who should never attempt at going after the boy that she wants. In fact, I don't believe there are many women like this - just women who need more self-confidence and a little make-over. However, at the time of this comment, I felt a little bit pierced - a little bit like the confidence bubble I had grown had been popped. I felt like I was that homely, hideous woman, and have thus failed to go after many boys that I have been interested in.

This is about to get bold.

I was talking with my best friend yesterday about some of my personal revelations from the last year, and she said that I tended to put myself into the best friend role with boys - I give myself that label because it's safer. I was a bit stung, but knew instantly she was spot on. Man, I have the best friends... I love that they know when to be honest with me in order to help me grow, improve, and be happier.

After this thought, we talked about it, and I realized that I do this not because I am afraid of rejection, but because I'm afraid of rejection for not being pretty enough. That may appear lame, and lamer still that I am blogging about it, but I hope that is will help other girls (and boys) realize that fear is irrational. MY fear is irrational. Fear is a lack of faith, and therefore, a lack of faith in that which God has created.

I have dated a few boys in my life, and I can think of three that have told me they were choosing someone else because they were prettier. They're schmucks. Excuse the terminology if it offends you, but that's all they are - schmucks. They were blind to something great before them - something flawed, but great. They were focused on one aspect of a relationship and not the things that really matter. Yes, physical attraction matters - I know. However, I know that I have been deeply attracted to guys with different appearances (shorter, WAY tall, chubby, super skinny, average all the way around, ones with beautiful eyes...) because they make me laugh and they show me they care about me. Or, we have a lot in common and we share the same values and standards. So, why couldn't a boy look past a thick waist to see how I make them laugh or feel appreciated? The good ones can. This goes for all girls and body types - really skinny, super chunky, a bit more to love, average or normal, killer curves... We all feel this way from time to time, no matter what we look like - we want to be more than that to a man.

There have been some pretty fantastic, cute, good men that HAVE liked me and dated me... So, my fear is irrational, and needs to find it's permanent end in the new year.

Plus, it just doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what that cute guy at the gym thinks when you can't seem to run as many miles on the treadmill as Miss Thang to the left. It doesn't matter what that girl at the supermarket said about you last week as you passed by in your sweats, buying ice cream and salad (or, just ice cream - haha!). It doesn't matter what your mom said about you looking a little too skinny or fat after a long, hard semester at University(I've been lucky to never experience this... but I know many not as lucky). It matters that YOU feel good when you wake-up in the morning. It matters that you feel healthier and happier with each day. It matters that you feel confident in the clothes you wear, or don't wear.

Bathing suits, people. Again, this is G-Rated.

This past year, I have grown in so many ways. I feel good about myself. I feel better about my body and the way I present myself, and although I am still a "bigger girl," I feel healthier and more athletic. I have more muscle and greater endurance. I would wake up and be content with what I saw in the mirror. This wasn't the case everyday (we all have our "fat days" - even boys), but it was most days. I feel happy with who I am, and who I am becoming - mentally, spiritually, AND physically.

I love me... and, I love my body.

I am sure there will be days that I will wake-up and not feel that way, but that's not vindication for beating myself up about it, or not eating for the day. It means I should evaluate why I feel that way, and address the situation accordingly. Sometimes, those feelings are a wake-up call to get more in shape (physically or emotionally), but sometimes, they are simply there to bring you down. Do NOT let self-doubt, fear, or what anyone else says be the rationale for negative feelings or self-loathing.

There's a quote from C. S. Lewis's Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader, where Aslan says to Lucy, "You doubt you're value. Don't run from who you are."

We are children of God. Our value is high above anything else. We are divine creations, and we are Gods and Goddesses in-waiting. If in doubt, or if you are filled with fear (even irrational ones about fearing you are not beautiful enough), turn to the atonement. I'm still learning the full access we are given to the atonement, but I know it is real. I know that it not only covers our sins or trials, but our fears or doubts. The volume of all it encompasses surpasses more than most can imagine. Find the beauty in yourself through your Savior, and then... Go out there and rock the world! :)

What is this year's New Year's Resolution, you ask?

Simply to be me, and to feel beautiful in all-aspects while doing it - because I am.
*muah*

Song of the Day: My favorite lyrics in this song are, "We can be the kings and queens of anything if we believe," because we are... we just have to figure out how to remember that. I also like, "Exactly who we are is just enough!" Here is Carrie Underwood's song, There's a Place For Us - from Voyage of the Dawn Treader soundtrack. Enjoy!

Reunions: Take One!

So, about fourteen hours after my return to the states, I had the GREATEST gift ever for Christmas! I got to see my best friend, Sarah! She is awesome and it was GREAT to see her after not seeing each other face-to-face for two and half years. She was on a mission from October 2008 through March 2010 and I left in January 2010... So, two and half years later (about) we finally got to see each other. We were a BIT excited, screaming and running to hug each other, and it was fantastic to visit and just finally be able to call one another whenever we want, or see each other in a short drive's time. It's fabulous.

After seeing Sarah for only a few moments at my house, we headed out to meet up with another friend and old roommate of ours, Melissa! Can I just say, I love Melissa!? Haha... It was SO fun, sitting for two to two and a half hours, just visiting and eating... Oh, and might I say, Cafe Rio is STILL as good as it always was! Be still my heart... I love me a pork salad. Haha!

Anyway, I was SO lucky to see some of my closest friends - Melissa certainly has become that to me. Merry Christmas Eve to me! Haha...

Other notes: I sang in church today with my mom and my sister - SO awesome! We sang "Breath of Heaven," from Amy Grant's Christmas song book. We were all hacking and gacking beforehand cause we've been sick, but we pulled through and it was so great to sing with them. I haven't sung with them in public ever, so it was a neat experience.

Christmas was good... I feel blessed to be safely back in my home here in UT, surrounded by friends and family. I'm a lucky girl.
Next challenge: Finding a job! If anyone knows of anything, drop me a line. I would LOVE to work in the theater, film, entertainment field, but I am open to other things. I wouldn't mind getting more experience in a secretarial post, political office, or within the events arena. If anyone hears anything, PLEASE pass it on! :) Vielen Dank!
*muah*

Song of the Day: I'm lovin' on this jam... Here is Fefe Dobson with her new song, Stuttering! The video is somewhat random and bizarre, but the song is great. Enjoy!

I am Thankful for My Savior, Jesus Christ!

Today is one of the most important days of the entire year for me... It's not simply because it's the day we celebrate and remember the birth of our Savior, but because it's got a spirit about the day. We are so blessed to have a holiday that, as long as we let it, can truly be dedicated to our Savior. We have the commercial aspects of Santa and presents (actually religious, because it relates back to the Three Wise Men), but it's a lot greater than that. Every Christmas I gift a gift to my Savior and my Heavenly Father. I dedicate the next year to working on specific faults I struggle with and to helping others around me. I put my faith in Them, and forge forward... and though They give me another gift in helping me overcome those faults and reminding me to reach out to others, I give that to Them as a gift. I love my Savior and am so thankful for all that he has done for me. He has given me the power to overcome death and to be the best person that I can be, because of Him.

So, today I want to dedicate this thankfulness entry to my Redeemer and Savior, Jesus Christ.

This might see, trivial - a blog entry dedication to my Savior - but it is what it is. Haha! I love my Savior, and I know that he loves me. He died for me, and now lives again for me. He is always there for me - my comfort, healer, support, guide, and friend. I know that He has been through ALL things, including all of my trials. With that knowledge, I know that I can overcome all things and get the guidance I need from Him. I know that He loves each and everyone of you as well, and that you can turn to Him in all things... I encourage all to do so. Today, and everyday, I am thankful for Him, My brother, friend, Savior, and friend... I love Him - Jesus Christ.
*muah*

Song of the Day: A perfect song to help celebrate Christmas and the birth of our Savior. Here is one my other favorite Christmas songs, O Holy Night - sung by Josh Groban. Enjoy!

Back to Life, Back to Surreality!

So.... I'm back on American soil! It's the weirdest feeling. It feels fantastic to be home, but it also feels surreal. I am loving my big bed and all my pillows, seeing old friends and my family, eating Cafe Rio (already went with Sarah and Melissa today!), shopping at Gap (not yet) and having ice in my drinks... but I am missing my German family in little ways as well. Plus, it doesn't QUITE feel real yet. I feel as though I am stepping back into my old life, and yet it's completely different. Even all of the rooms in my house look completely different... New furniture and all rearranged in places... There are new stores near my house and the freeway exits off of the Draper/Sandy Walmart is completed. These are little changes, but it's still different to see. Then, there's the fact that many of my friends have left Utah, something that I would like to do again in a few months. I'm happy for them all, but again, it's just different...

In a way, the differences also make things exciting. It's motivating for me to get a start on a new life... to create new adventures. I'm excited to find a new job and to venture forward into the "new me." I have changed and grown SO much in the last year, and I believe more in myself, and more in my Savior. I am ready to take a few leaps, fall down a lot, and figure out where I fit into the world...where I really want and need to be.

Tonight for Christmas Eve, we had the usual traditions of a finger-food dinner, reading the scriptural stories of Christ's birth (Bible and Book of Mormon), playing Name-That-Tune, opening a few gifts... then we added a movie in there as well. It was perfect... I'm glad that I got to be home for Christmas. As I said before, I'm a lucky girl.
*muah*

Song of the Day: It's Christmas Eve, so... Let's make my FAVORITE Christmas song our song choice for the day, shall we? Yes, we shall. Here is Amy Grant with her song, Breath of Heaven, with beautiful clips from "The Nativity Story" film. Enjoy!

I am Thankful for my American Family!!!

I was lucky enough to spend tonight with my family here in Utah, celebrating Christmas Eve with the old (and some new) traditions. I am pretty lucky and thankful, so this next dedication should come as no shock to anyone. There are two people in my life that have meant so much to me from the time of my existence and on. They are two of the most thoughtful and loving individuals that I know. They are always thinking of their children, and the others around them, and they put those interests before their own. They are hilariously wonderful and I laugh more than anything at their dumb jokes and classic wit. They are two of the BEST people that I know and I love being with them.

Today, I want to dedicate this special day to my mom and dad, Grace and Mike Struiksma!

You two must make so many of my friends jealous of me... because I have two of the most fabulous parents in the world. Think what you will, but you two have been nothing but great to me. You have taught me SO much, and you did such a great job giving me everything that I have needed in life. You are always there for me, and I know that I can talk to you about everything. You're AMAZING, and I love you both SO much! Thanks for all you have helped me to become. Today, I am thankful for YOU, Mom and Dad!!!
*muah*

Song of the Day: I know this song says "Mom, you always were the perfect fan," but I feel that way about BOTH of you! This is for you BOTH! :) Here is Backstreet Boys with The Perfect Fan. Enjoy!

I am Thankful for my German Family!!!

This next group of individuals as grown to become more like a second family over the past year. They are incredible people, and so much fun to be around. They offered me a spot in their home over the past year, and with that the opportunity to learn a new culture and language - well, some of the language... Haha! I was given the chance to travel all over Europe, bringing the total number of countries I have been to fourteen... pretty awesome. I am SO thankful for the many things I have learned from them about teaching, parenting, socializing, and about myself. I feel like a fuller, more defined person because I had this experience and because of each of them. EACH of them have taught me new things, and I am beyond thankful for them.

Today, I dedicate my thankfulness memo to The Warner/Merl's - Koko, Patrick, Nicolas, and Phineas - my German Family!

You guys are an incredible family! I am SO thankful to know you and have you a piece of my life. I am so thankful for all I have learned throughout this year. Thank you for the laughs, the intelligent conversation, the thought-provoking questions, the life-lessons, and for being there for me when I have really needed someone. To the boys, keep learning and growing - make that your life goal and forge forward. You are AMAZING boys!!! I love you all - Today, I am thankful for YOU, Finn, Nico, Patrick, and Koko! :)
*muah*

Song of the Day: Okay, so I kind of have to choose two... The first song is for the boys - Love Today, by Mika. The second song is for Koko and Patrick (a good boogie jam!) - September, by Earth, Wind and Fire. LOVE YOU GUYS!!! Enjoy!

Mika - Love Today - Official Video - The top video clips of the week are here

Thankful I Know, Nicole LeGrow!

This next individual has grown to be one of my best friends in the past six years. They have away of always making me laugh and know how to bring something new to every conversation. They are thoughtful and caring of others, and someone who is truly passionate about service. Her eye is constantly focused on the Savior, and as a result, she is one of the best people that I know. She has been through a lot in life, and shown that anyone can overcome adversity to still become something amazing. She's a great example. I am so thankful for the incredible things that I have learned from her - and I can be stubborn. She is an amazing teacher, and she gives a lot of time to those she works with - a lot of extra effort. It's inspiring. She is inspiring.

Today, I want to dedicate my thankfulness memo to, Nicole LeGrow!

Nicole, you are one of my dearest, closest friends! I am certain that our friendship will be one that lasts and I'm excited about that. You are amazing - such an example to me. You have been there for me through some of my hardest trials, and you didn't let me fall to the wayside. You have been a great light to me, not only religiously, but just in happiness and excitement in my life. You make things fun! Man, we have so many little jokes and I could just sit and laugh forever with you. But, the thing I love is that we can spend time joking and having fun, but still have good, serious conversation too. I know you care about me, and I hope you know how deeply I care about you. You are a best friend to me, Nicole. You are the family that I choose. I love you a million billion. Today, I am thankful for YOU, Nicole!
*muah*

Song of the Day: HAHA... Oh, I didn't think much over this one. The answer was CLEAR. Here is My United States of Whatever, by Liam Lynch. Enjoy!!!