Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Steel Vaults and Wet Pages

I feel a bit like a book that has been left in the rain...
The ink is running down the pages.
... Running together and twisting into words I can not clearly read any longer.
New words.

I'm okay with change, really. I actually enjoy healthy change here and there... but it is odd how nothing really fits to stay in one piece in my life. For whatever reason, Heavenly Father must have some plan for me when I am down winding these ever-changing roads called life.

Here are the four problems in short text: Stalker, just friends, girlfriend, and lacking beauty.

Someone I really care about told me how untrue the last statement was regarding my physical appearance. I wish I could understand the true meaning in their words... cause the other set of words cut much deeper. People can either hand you a flower or a knife with the words that they speak. I wish that more people were more careful and tender regarding the words they choose to say to other individuals. A flower makes someone smile and brightens a day... but a knife can KILL. I pray I will never again be too flippant with my words I choose, but embrace positivity in each statement I form.

Moving on, do you know what it is like to be so different from a close friend? You wish that they could understand... and they just can't. No matter their reasons or relations to your feelings from their's, they are just DIFFERENT. There is nothing wrong with that, but it means that they can not help you.

The hard part is when YOU desperately need to vent (for once, cause it is usually pent up and locked away) and it turns into being about them each time you try. There's another knife... I can't explain it... but I can not seem to find someone who truly understands.

Another subject, do you know what it is like to always be the "best friend," and nothing more? You know, that gets kinda tough. You would think I could catch a break when I have so many great friends and individuals surrounding me. It just isn't in the clearing right now...

I'm getting to the point where my vault is shut, and because or frustration and pain, my mind has grown clouded... and I have ceased knowing the combination to open up again.

I wonder who will be the one to crack the code... cause I truly don't know what it is anymore.


Sunday, February 17, 2008

Another form of love is Passion...

There is a new question, which has grown to an obligation in my life. I must determine to discover, what are my passions? What really makes me tick - makes me happy and content?

1 - People. Anything involving others, whether it is talking with and getting to know them, serving them, teaching them, or simply being around them... I love people.

2 - Activities/Events. I love events and having plans for things to do. It could be something really fun or a business related event, and regardless I love it all the same.

3 - Planning and Leading. I love being in charge and planning the events and activities, and I love making things happen. I am not always the best with innovative and creative ideas, but give me one and I will run with it. I love to take new, innovative plans and expand upon the basic ideas... I'm good at that and I enjoy it immensely.

4 - The gospel. Perhaps this should have been written first, because it is ultimately first in my heart. However, I did not write it first. I love the gospel though... I love talking about it with others and teaching others doctrine. I love discussing ideas and concepts... I love the feeling I have when I share my testimony or when I learn something from another's testimony. I feel passionate about the gospel in a unique way that can't be described fully.

5 - Family. I am passionate about my family currently and the one I will someday create. I love my family with all of my heart because I know that no matter what, THEY are by me. When all of my friendships and relationships shatter, my family remains strong in their faith for me. They love me, and for that reason alone, I know things are always going to be alright. However, the family I will create someday with someone who loves me completely and understands my heart on a level no one could muster the strength to do... That is what I am really passionate about. The children I will one day raise and love... Understanding the love my Savior has for me with more clarity because I have them... That is what I am really passionate about.

There is some idea of passion for you. Now, I must decide how that really applies to me and the what I want to do with that passion. I also am passionate about music, film, football, and politics...

I was driving around the neighborhood tonight, and kind of talking with my Heavenly Father out loud. Luckily no other cars were around or they would have thought I was crazy and talking to myself... :) Anyway, I decided that I only partially know who I am. I KNOW that I am a Child of God and that I am here on this earth now, but will one day live with him again. I know that I am talented in many areas, outgoing, fun to be around, and witty when I want to be. I know that I am smart, but I don't always use that to my advantage, and that I am very good with people - with reading their emotions and needs, but not their signals necessarily. I know that I write well and am thoughtful - I know that I care about others.

... but what do I really want from life? What do I really want to be? Who is Linze really - REALLY?

What a though, eh? All this time, I thought that I knew.