Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Steel Vaults and Wet Pages

I feel a bit like a book that has been left in the rain...
The ink is running down the pages.
... Running together and twisting into words I can not clearly read any longer.
New words.

I'm okay with change, really. I actually enjoy healthy change here and there... but it is odd how nothing really fits to stay in one piece in my life. For whatever reason, Heavenly Father must have some plan for me when I am down winding these ever-changing roads called life.

Here are the four problems in short text: Stalker, just friends, girlfriend, and lacking beauty.

Someone I really care about told me how untrue the last statement was regarding my physical appearance. I wish I could understand the true meaning in their words... cause the other set of words cut much deeper. People can either hand you a flower or a knife with the words that they speak. I wish that more people were more careful and tender regarding the words they choose to say to other individuals. A flower makes someone smile and brightens a day... but a knife can KILL. I pray I will never again be too flippant with my words I choose, but embrace positivity in each statement I form.

Moving on, do you know what it is like to be so different from a close friend? You wish that they could understand... and they just can't. No matter their reasons or relations to your feelings from their's, they are just DIFFERENT. There is nothing wrong with that, but it means that they can not help you.

The hard part is when YOU desperately need to vent (for once, cause it is usually pent up and locked away) and it turns into being about them each time you try. There's another knife... I can't explain it... but I can not seem to find someone who truly understands.

Another subject, do you know what it is like to always be the "best friend," and nothing more? You know, that gets kinda tough. You would think I could catch a break when I have so many great friends and individuals surrounding me. It just isn't in the clearing right now...

I'm getting to the point where my vault is shut, and because or frustration and pain, my mind has grown clouded... and I have ceased knowing the combination to open up again.

I wonder who will be the one to crack the code... cause I truly don't know what it is anymore.


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