Sunday, October 26, 2008

Dreaming Big Hurts...

My entire life, all I've ever really wanted to do is sing. When I was in seventh grade I remember singing on the playground while playing basketball at lunch. One of the girls I hung out with got frustrated with me and said, "Do you EVER stop singing? Don't you ever just want to be quiet?" I was beating her at half-court two on two, and I told myself that was why she was frustrated... Then I began to think that maybe I did sing all the time - and I did. I was always humming at school in the halls and class. I was singing at recess, in the shower, car, walking home, my room... humming again at the dinner table. I have always been obsessed with music and making music. Nothing makes me happier... nothing.

When I get angry or upset, I know that if I listen to music (even "angry music") I will automatically begin to feel better and release the inner/outer tension. When I lived in Oregon I got into a huge argument with my father once and was SO angry. I went outside with my diskman and listened to Linkin Park for twenty minutes... Though the problem was still there, I was calm. Music soothes my soul and bring my pure contentment.

I have really felt like a failure lately at a lot of things... Everything I touch seems to run away from me. I don't have a job still and I'm no longer going to school. I'm not dating anyone and I'm not losing the weight I would like to be losing. I have way to much time to "dwell" and not enough positive thinking around me to dwell upon. I feel like an ultimate failure... To add to the mix, for the past three months I have spent an overwhelming amount of time sick, and I have been unable to fully sing. Before I was even sick I was having problems with my voice... I have an appointment with an ear, nose, and throat doctor up in Murry and I'm nervous there is some sort of damage there... I just want my voice back and I would feel SO much better.

I feel like Heavenly Father is trying me in every way possible. I'm up for the challenge - just not today.

Today in Relief Society one of the counselors said, "It's okay, to not be okay... It's okay to let your walls down and be vulnerable. Start being more real and stop holding back..." She said this to everyone, but I felt like it was aimed to me through the spirit. Each day I'm a fortress, but today I'm an open field... I'm a immovable target for emotional distress. I can't really hold back anymore.

I'm worried. I'm worried about money and success. I'm worried about never doing what I really love and want to do.

I know that worry is a "lack of faith," but... here I sit, worried. Trying with ALL my being to have faith, and losing faith in myself... I guess that is the tricky part. Heavenly Father says have faith, but it is more than faith in him. It is faith in our own being - his child and creation. I am usually so confident, but I feel none of that confidence right now.

You know, they tell you in children's books to "dream big" - they also tell you this at EFY... (*enter sarcastic smile here*) However, sometimes it is hard to be the big dreamer. I know what I want and have always wanted to do. Yet, when you are not measuring up and have gone back and forth with these dreams, then you lose so much hope and faith in yourself. You start to believe that dreams don't come true and you will never be good enough. You start to see why everyone else is so much better than you... so much smarter than you, more qualified... so much prettier than you.

I know I'm suppose to be little miss strong... Linze - the girl who is always an optimist. I usually am, that's true... not today. Today, life is allowed to just SUCK a little.

All I really want to do is make music and perform... Really, that is ALL I want. Yes, I would love to "be an event planner and maybe a teacher when I'm older" - the classic things I say. However, what do I really want? I want to sing. I want to be my own symphony. I've been writing lyrics a lot lately, and getting better at it... but what does that really do. I need songs here and now and I need to be out there... I also need the money from a job to do that.

Do you know why I really want a job? Well, other than to add to society & my home's income and to not be bored.... I want to make enough money that I can pay off stupid debts and then travel around LA trying to sing for a living. I know. "Really Linze? Really?" That is what you're thinking... YES. REALLY.

I want to have family and be happily married in the temple someday, but first I wanna be out there living the dream... and just like everything else, all I can say is: We'll See.

Will tomorrow be a better day? We'll See.


Friday, October 10, 2008

John Mayer Season...

It's getting cold out... I think it's John Mayer season.

I was sitting in my living room, watching The Posh Life of Pop Stars on VH1 and heard that a good chunk of those who have grown to be mondo famous in the past few years have become so randomly. For example, people put stuff out on MySpace or YouTube, someone sees them, and BANG! They are famous and rich individuals. Perhaps I should put some of my songs on there...

Haha... What a thought. We'll see.

So, I found a grad school program at GWU in Washington D.C. that I think looks perfect - getting my MBA, emphasizing in Tourism and Hospitality. I want to do events management/planning, and working and going to school in D.C. could be the perfect step to actually getting started with my dreams of one day owning my own events planning business! I'm going to tour the campus in a week and a half when I am there with my family, and want to meet with an adviser while there if possible. I love the city life, so it's also a big plus in this area as well!

Life is great... So chill, but still looking for employment. Nothing suggested has really worked out for me, but I know that it will in due time. For now, I am so close to my senior trip back East that I'm not hitting applying for positions really hard until I return. I asked my parents if they thought this was dumb, but they said not at all. I really want to go back East and they really want me there - it's gonna be AMAZING! :)

Sarah goes into the MTC in five days... I can't really talk about it right now because it doesn't seem real yet. I got my first letter from Nicole today - weird! She was put in advanced Spanish and leaves the MTC in TWO WEEKS for the field!!! I am so excited for and proud of her - she is going to be an amazing missionary... As is Sarah. DANG. That girl has such a good heart... I have never had a better friend and better example for me to follow in so many ways. She is my BEST friend and it is gonna be really hard when she's finally gone - as excited as I am for her.

Like I said, I can't really talk about how I feel about it since it's still so new and unreal to me...

So, I read David Archuleta's interviews and blog - I know. I am SO weird... maybe a little crazy. Sue me. My point, is that he is an amazing kid - what a good example to me and the rest of us of thinking about others before yourself. If you want to understand where I am coming from I suggest reading his blog entries on his MySpace page, or googling his interviews... Seriously, you'll be blown away by how much David "gets it"... cause he does.

Yep. Cold. I think it's John Mayer season. That would be fall/early winter - pensive time in many ways.... personal, reflective time to ponder about my life and the lives or needs of others. John Mayer season, because his music is just too perfect for moments of internal questioning...

Bring on, John Mayer season.


Saturday, October 4, 2008

Who Am I? Linze... Who I really? Linze.

Yep, I totally jacked this idea from another friend's blog. I am unoriginal in this aspect, and I willingly accept that. Nonetheless, let the 101 Things About Me being, NOW:

1) I absolutely love rain. Eastern thunderstorms are the best, but any rain makes me smile.
2) Yellow is my favorite color, hands down - followed by pink and blue.
3) I love BYU sports with all my heart and soul. I skip other important events for BYU football games.
4) My life is encompassed by music. Music creates my entire being, and I would not smile or laugh half as much without music. It is my means to keep going when life gets hard.
5) I am obsessed with missionary work. Each time I bear my testimony I have to add a plug for missionary work - Sharing the gospel is the most important thing that we can do in this life and the next.
6) I have webbed toes. Just two. They are on my right foot.
7) In relation to #6, NO. I am not a better swimmer because I have webbed toes.
8) I have a love affair with cookie dough - If it were healthier (well, healthy at all) I would live off of it... As of now, I only partially live off of it.
9) My favorite animal is an elephant.
10) I think I look awesome in green.
11) I am a coastal and city girl. I love things about the mid states and the country, but I adore big cities and living on the coast! I love Cali, but I am an East Coast girl at heart!
12) I have moved ten times growing up... (ID x2, PA x2, CA, WY, NM, VA, OR, UT)
13) I am obsessed with reality TV! I know it can be dumb, meaningless, and trashy, and not really reality at all, but I love it!
14) I wanna be on American Idol someday... Haha! I also want to record my own record someday!
15) I am crazy about jewelry! I love accessorizing and believe that is can make or break an outfit. When picking an outfit I spend a good chunk of time picking the right jewelry and if I am not satisfied with the accessories I am not really happy with the outfit.
16) I love doing makeup and hair - It's not what I want to do professionally, but I could do it as a side route because I love it.
17) My favorite book of all time is The Giver, by Lois Lowry.
18) I speak in movie quotes a lot of the time.
19) If I could meet any entertainer it would be Celine Dion.
20) I am actually very scared when meeting people for the first time if I don't have a friend with me. However, I force myself to do it anyway.
21) Speaking of fears, I am terrified of scorpions and spiders. Not daddy-long-legs, but anything that looks dangerous... which, is pretty much everything else to me.
22) I love the fragrance Sassy from Avon, and Pacific Paradise from Escada. I also love Armani, Gap Blue, and Aquadigio on boys!
23) I love hip hop dancing, but I love listening to slow music with really thoughtful lyrics.
24) I write poetry and music lyrics - a lot.
25) I love any movie directed my Tim Burton or M. Night Shyamalan.
26) I have over fifteen journals and eight scrapbooks from my lifetime, thus far.
27) I like to read, but I get distracted easily while doing it and make up pictures in my head. For example, I create the movie of any book visually in my mind while reading. Therefore, it takes me forever to get through a book.
28) I love talking politics even though it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable at times. It sounds cliche, I know, but it is true... I am a real moderate.
29) My favorite music is actually Christmas music. That is also my favorite Holiday! We have the coolest family traditions for Christmas Eve.
30) I love sleeping in a chilly room, wrapped in lots of blankets and HATE sleeping in a warm room. This is probably because I have to have a blanket on me!
31) I have a disease in my right knee that isn't a big deal anymore, but held me back from some sports stuff in High School.
32) I don't like to cry in public, or at all - I refuse to let myself do it if it can be avoided.
33) I cry over spiritual things, almost always when I hear the song "I Am a Child of God"... and I always cry when I see a special, or movie on TV about special needs individuals or cancer victims.
34) My favorite song of all time is "The Way You Look Tonight," by Steve Tyrell.
35) When I was growing up, I was convinced I was going to marry Zac Hanson. I would tape every music video, interview, performance, and special on them... and I still have the tapes in storage.
36) I love networking, event planning, leadership positions, and interacting with people. I am a complete people person, but I do have to have my personal space for about an hour each day.
37) I am a spitter. I know, gross - eh.
38) Um... I am completely in love (platonic!) with this David Archuleta kid. He's amazingly talented, devoted to/passionate about music, a great example and missionary for the church, humble, and so darn cute! Whenever I hear his song on TV or the radio I stop what I am doing to listen and bask in his glorious, golden tones.
39) Boys who can sing make my heart melt. If a person can't carry a tune I think it is cute, but can only stand it for so long. I have nearly perfect pitch.
40) I usually sleep in athletic shorts and a tank top.
41) I don't wear red during the week of any Utah vs. BYU sporting events - esp. football!
42) I want to go to grad school and want to work whenever I am able to! Family is first to me, always, but I still want to always be working.
43) I don't really like hospitals. I hate seeing life-flight helicopters. Car accidents also make me nervous...
44) I don't like Star Wars. I can stand it, but I don't enjoy it very much.
45) I love the Harry Potter and Twilight series.
46) I am kind of obsessed with stickers... and markers.
47) I want to be in MoTab someday.
48) I have never broken a bone, but have had stitches once on my right hand.
49) I sleep with about eight pillows on my bed each night.
50) In High School, I did show choir, chamber choir, jazz choir, concert band, marching band, drum major, dance team, step team, class representative, theater: musicals... pretty much, I never slept.
51) I have never been skiing, but I like snowboarding.
52) I washed my scriptures once by accident and was devastated. However, then I got to start a new color coded system and was fine.
53) This summer, I became violently ill one week and was diagnosed with pneumonia. Who gets pneumonia?
54) I am always ten minutes late, unless it is vitally important I am somewhere on time (ex: jobs).
55) I started learning piano this summer and am actually becoming fairly decent. I also recently started learning Arabic.
56) I love to travel. I want to go to Holland, Germany, China, Jerusalem, New Zealand, and Disneyworld most!
57) I can do a decent British accent - I've tricked some Brits with it a few times, which brings me to...
58) I am OBSESSED with London, England!!! I lived there for two and half months one summer on a theater study abroad and fell into even deeper love with the culture, people, accents, history, theater, and city itself. I have a lot of American pride, but would love to live there again for a year or so.
59) I want between 4-9 children... I think 7 children is about right, but we'll see what the Lord and my hubby want.
60) I am a very blunt person; VERY blunt.
61) When I was little and my mom would hand my crayons and paper I would draw the first vision. I have very strong ties to Joseph Smith and his family.
62) I want to name one of my little boys Jospeh Carter, and call him Joe. I want to name one of my little girls Cammie Elizabeth, and call her Cammie Beth. I also love weird names like Adian, Keegan, Ryker, Riley, Kira, Zoey, and Jamal.
63) I love Costa Vida and Cafe Rio salads more than anything! That dressing = AMAZING.
64) I like lifting weights and doing aerobic dance to work out. I loath running, though I do it at times.
65) I'm not that into the Beatles. I know - for a musician this is like blasphemy. However, I respect what they did and like some of their songs, but enjoy newer sounds and am not huge into their voices. Great job breaking walls though!
66) I am a night owl.
67) I love romantic comedies more than any other type of movie...
68) I love shopping for new, cute underwear. I hate shopping for bathing suits.
69) I switch clothes with my mom from time to time - she and I give each other fashion advice... except, she can't do hair at all so I do hers sometimes.
70) I am addicted to Diet Coke and lip gloss.
71) I don't like to wear shoes. I have lots of cute pairs, but I always take them off when I get where I am going and sometimes on my way there.
72) I go five miles over the speed limit on rural roads, and ten miles over the speed limit on the freeway. I haven't had a ticket in two years, but I have gotten three.
73) I have been to all but three states in my life - Florida, Hawaii, and Alaska.
74) If I could serve a mission anywhere, I would serve at Temple Square. I would love to serve at a visitor's center. If I had to go foreign, I would want to go to New Zealand or Australia.
75) I have three older brothers (28, 26, 24) and one little sister (16).
76) I am an avid gum chewer, but hate chompers.
77) I get migrains randomly once a month.
78) My allergies include: penicillin, novocaine, arythromyocin, high vinegar content, some dyes in soaps, and febreeze.
79) If I could be anything I would be a vocal performer and recording artist.
80) My dream is to own a small plot of land on La Jolla beach in California, build a beach house, and rent it out to people for cheaper than normal... except for my family and I want to use it. I also want to make enough money to construct a really nice housing complex next to BYU and charge students lower rates for awesome quality living.
81) I try to see the best in people. I like to think that everyone is good from the start - I don't believe in listening to gossip... go to the source and get to know them and their opinion.
82) Worst physical feature: My tummy Best physical feature: My eyes or breasts
83) I love to take pictures with my camera, especially fun candid shots, even though I am not that good at it. I love to be in posed and cheesy photos!
84) My favorite food is Mac and Cheese smothered in applesauce and sour cream, green chilies, chicken enchiladas. I hate carrots, raw tomatoes, and raw fish. I eat ketchup on everything.
85) I do my own manicures each week.
86) I am a high matienance girl who knows how to be thrifty. In other words, I like to have nice clothes and things, but I know how to shop smart and only buy sale items. I have only bought five or six things at full price in my whole life - literally.
87) The smell right after it rains and of fresh baked bread bring my the most joy.
88) I like wearing skirts sometimes - I like dressing really nice for no reason other than to look nice.
89) I feel a lot of satisfaction after painting a room in a home and fixing the room up. I really enjoy doing that!
90) When I was 12 my father almost died in heart attack, and I had told him I hated him the night before. Thus, I tell everyone (no matter how mad or upset I am) that I love them all the time, and especially before I leave to go somewhere.
91) I love to laugh. If you want to be a close friend of mine, you have to have a good sense of humor.
92) I don't think sex is a dirty or taboo topic if talked about appropriately, and I discuss it very openly with family and friends.
93) I most enjoy finding people on the outskirts at a party and talk to them.
94) When I am really mad or upset, I get really quiet.
95) I don't watch R rated movies, but I drink caffeine. I am modest in dress and I don't like swear words. I did go through a swearing stage in fifth grade for awhile though.
96) I have never owed anyone ice cream...
97) I love using the "..." when writing, and I try to be very grammatically correct when I text people.
98) I hate it when girls leave the last bite of something on their plates - that won't make you gain less weight! I also hate it when people don't use their turning signals or ride me when I'm going the speed limit.
99) I tried to go by Liz (instead of Linze) in middle school during sixth grade for about a month. One teacher participated and the rest of them literally told me it was a dumb idea.
100) If I could have any super power it would be teleportation - who wouldn't wanna snap their fingers and just be somewhere else... especially for a girl who is always late.
101) The first time I had to kiss someone was in front of 60 kids at my high school when I was running a scene for this play I was in my senior year. The director added a kiss in for our characters and wanted us to just try it out. It was the end of the day and so the other kids were coming in from their rehearsals. Well, I just went for it when we got to the right part and the whole place went quiet as we separated... The boy stood there looking at me, and then looked at the stage manager and asked, "Um, Line?" Haha! So, pretty much my last thing is I am an amazing kisser... I think? Eh!

Speaking of kissing...


Thursday, October 2, 2008

Therapeutic Struggling...

I should have been a journalist. What do I do when I am frustrated? What do I do when I have an opinion? What do I do when I have nothing to say?

I write.

I love writing because it is somewhat therapeutic for me... I'm good at it, and I feel satisfied when I have finished an article, journal entry, research paper, or when I have simply written in the form of nonsensical dabbling. I love to write... or type.

Sidenote: I just wrote the BEST song I have ever written (lyrics wise - I still suck at music)!

I still have yet to find a job and what should come in the mail today but my first call to pay back my undergraduate loans. Why did I buy movies and CDs in college? Why did I not save that money?

Here I sit with no job and not much money in my savings account, and they are calling me to give up that money to pay back loans. What happened to the days of free education for the people? Oh yea. That ended five years ago...

I am trying with ALL my might to be an optimist right now, but these past two weeks have been so emotional. I'm just gonna let it all out RIGHT NOW:

One) I have been debating going on a full-time mission or not with exceedingly great focus over this past month and a half. I've decided to put my papers in for Young Performing Missionaries (YPM) for many reasons and then take it from there in February when a decision has been reached by the committee. My best friends are leaving as I speak pretty much to serve, and I want to be serving... but I feel right about my current decision. That has been emotional enough within itself...

*It's not like I could afford a full-time mission right now anyway... Like, really.

Two) I am finally letting go of many "tie-ups" in my life right now... That has been very hard for me. To realize that a piece of my life has been a farce... I can't hold to hope any longer. Thus, I have come to the realization I must go through somewhat of a cleansing process and forget a lot of the past and current situations. I am not done - that would be the easy part. I'm trying to be done, and it eats me emotionally - it wears me out quite a bit.

Three) I have no job. I feel lazy, although I am trying. I feel so under appreciated right now, and so mystified. How have I still not landed a successful job after many great interviews, hundreds of applications... ? I think I might just have to give in and take a job at the mall - Gap or Banana Republic... something.

I am struggling to feel content about anything in my life right now. Finally, when I was beginning to be so content with myself in every aspect, the world seems to be throwing me back to the waters. I know that I am growing closer to my Heavenly Father through this process, but it is still hard. I know that I am learning and growing in ways that the workplace can't teach me, but it is still hard.

All I have right now that is steady is my family and the gospel. That's all.... and that's hard.


Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Let's show a lil' leg...

Chicken legs. Thunder thighs. Flabby. Toned.

For years, the male gender has been memorized by the female anatomy. Let's be honest here - we are differently equipped and thus, fascinating to the opposite sex. However, there is one part to our anatomy that men have as well, and yet... men are fascinated by women in this aspect. Legs. The same fascination is not reciprocated by women towards male legs... At least, not within my knowledge - or taste.

(Sidenote: In fact, I um... somewhat... well, strongly... Dislike male thighs. Yep. Someday I will have to face that fear, but till then - hate em'!)

I will never understand the obsession that boys have with legs.

During my sophomore year in High School, I was in a weight lifting class for track team. If I did that I got out of PE, and I hated all the dumb tests in there. If I was gonna get sweaty and gross mid-day, I wanted to actually build some muscle. My body was in such good shape after that class... *sigh* Haha!

Now, one day at lunch one of my best friends (a guy) stated that the sexiest part of the female to him was their legs. Now, let me blunt - I liked this boy... a lot. Therefore, I took all opportunities during my weight lifting class to work my calve muscles like I have never done before... Haha! My legs were already fairly strong, but I wanted definition... and man, did I get it! My legs were awesome. I'm not cocky - I'm being real here.

Then, last night some of my guy friends were chatting about why sister missionaries are not allowed to wear high heels. I knew it was a rule, but I thought it was just about the fact that walking in high heels everywhere gives you blisters, and missions are all about walking... Yea. That's not the only issue here. New flash to myself, as every other individual has probably already discovered, hot legs turn boys on... what?

Anyway, the story continues. A few weeks ago I noticed how much my legs sucked and was talking to my mom about needing to get them in shape again. I simply adore having strong legs and big calves. I even got these special shoes that are built like mini-rockers and tone your legs - yep. I was in to make my legs awesome again...

My point? I still don't get it. I still don't get what makes a leg sexy? It's a LEG!

... and yet, I still do everything in my power to have hotter legs. Yep - good job, society. You got me this time.

This is me and my friend Jackie... Showin' a lil' leg last Halloween as the dark angel (my usual costume - haha!) and me as Sally from Nightmare Before Christmas... Yep, boys. Enjoy.