Thursday, October 2, 2008

Therapeutic Struggling...

I should have been a journalist. What do I do when I am frustrated? What do I do when I have an opinion? What do I do when I have nothing to say?

I write.

I love writing because it is somewhat therapeutic for me... I'm good at it, and I feel satisfied when I have finished an article, journal entry, research paper, or when I have simply written in the form of nonsensical dabbling. I love to write... or type.

Sidenote: I just wrote the BEST song I have ever written (lyrics wise - I still suck at music)!

I still have yet to find a job and what should come in the mail today but my first call to pay back my undergraduate loans. Why did I buy movies and CDs in college? Why did I not save that money?

Here I sit with no job and not much money in my savings account, and they are calling me to give up that money to pay back loans. What happened to the days of free education for the people? Oh yea. That ended five years ago...

I am trying with ALL my might to be an optimist right now, but these past two weeks have been so emotional. I'm just gonna let it all out RIGHT NOW:

One) I have been debating going on a full-time mission or not with exceedingly great focus over this past month and a half. I've decided to put my papers in for Young Performing Missionaries (YPM) for many reasons and then take it from there in February when a decision has been reached by the committee. My best friends are leaving as I speak pretty much to serve, and I want to be serving... but I feel right about my current decision. That has been emotional enough within itself...

*It's not like I could afford a full-time mission right now anyway... Like, really.

Two) I am finally letting go of many "tie-ups" in my life right now... That has been very hard for me. To realize that a piece of my life has been a farce... I can't hold to hope any longer. Thus, I have come to the realization I must go through somewhat of a cleansing process and forget a lot of the past and current situations. I am not done - that would be the easy part. I'm trying to be done, and it eats me emotionally - it wears me out quite a bit.

Three) I have no job. I feel lazy, although I am trying. I feel so under appreciated right now, and so mystified. How have I still not landed a successful job after many great interviews, hundreds of applications... ? I think I might just have to give in and take a job at the mall - Gap or Banana Republic... something.

I am struggling to feel content about anything in my life right now. Finally, when I was beginning to be so content with myself in every aspect, the world seems to be throwing me back to the waters. I know that I am growing closer to my Heavenly Father through this process, but it is still hard. I know that I am learning and growing in ways that the workplace can't teach me, but it is still hard.

All I have right now that is steady is my family and the gospel. That's all.... and that's hard.


1 comment:

I Am Immense, I Contain Multitudes said...

You are so great. I hope things work out. I bet it has been nice to listen to this last conference, particularly Uchtdorfs talk. You are the best.