Tuesday, November 25, 2008

The Depth of Reality

I'm in the contemplation mode today. Sometimes life seems very long to me and other times, so fast. You can compare it to going to a party. If you want to be there, then the party seems to fly past you in a blur and you can't believe that it was last weekend you were there. If the party is lame, you have no one to talk to, or you feel uncomfortable then you crave relief in the form of an ending. The next day, you still feel like that was the longest night of your life and are some what exhausted from the boredom, lack of comfort, or inner stress. The party rating can be determined upon feelings you have prior to the occasion, or from the feelings you get when you are there... It can be determined by past or present events, and future worries. Either way, the party flies or time slooooooooowly ticks on by you.

Today - this week - has been LONG day. It felt like it would never end and I felt monotonous in my routine and my thoughts. I crave change and growth... I crave doing something that I truly love. I like my new job a lot. The kids are fabulous, the pay decent, the hours perfect, and the experience great... However, I don't feel a lot of personal fulfillment by using my talents and capabilities. I feel as though I am learning how to more effectively work with difficult people or those with disabilities. I am enhancing skills that can guide me to being a better mother, role model, and friend - a better listener and more effective communicator. These are all very important abilities. However, there is not a lot of room for me to use my full range of talents in the way I truly want to.

I have been contemplating the meaning of depth. What does depth mean to you, and to me? Is depth external or internal, and if it is both, which amount of depth matters the most? Is depth different from your personality, the things you talk about, and your actions than from your beliefs and personal thoughts or desires? Or, is it all encompassing of those things?

The dictionary stated that depth can be defined as, "an unfathomable space, emotional profundity, a high degree of such knowledge, the quality of being deep, or complexity and obscurity." Thank you dictionary.com - haha!

Depth can be all of the things listed above, but I speak of depth in being true meaning and integrity. Depth stimulates thinking and growth. I do not mean that this growth must change your beliefs, ideals, or desires. However, this growth should change you. We are constantly changing and moving forward or backwards - there is no standing stagnant. Depth of character and mind is what creates a well-rounded, intelligent individual.

I believe that depth is an all encompassing element in creating an understanding of an individual. A person can possess a brilliant mind and even be able to speak these thoughts articulately, but if they do not use their knowledge and sit in slothfulness then the depth is lacking. If someone has strong beliefs and desires to help others and make the world a better place, but their actions to not match these expressed beliefs, these desires appear shallow - the depth has disappeared because the beliefs appear unsupported and weak coming from this individual.

I do believe that a person can have more depth in some aspects of their lives than in others. However, I think the real importance of depth lies in character and mind. So let's do some definitions for depth of character - this being integrity and honesty - and depth of mind - this being more than presentation, but how one truly thinks and what one talks about. If those things are lacking I believe that an individual needs to re-evaluate...

So the presented questions for myself are these: What do I talk about? What do I think about? What are my actions in relation to what I profess to believe and say? Do I stand by what I believe - and I do not just mean religiously, but an extensive reach over all aspects of my life? Am I honest?

I know the answer to these. I'm not asking anyone but myself and my Heavenly Father for these answers - and now I know where my depth is lacking. I will never be perfect, but I think that there can be a great amount of growth from each and every one of us. I think it is important to gain depth from all that we do. I found this quote today, ‘I am very careful to be shallow and conventional where depth and originality are wasted” – Lucy Montgomery. I found this quote to be a little sad. I know there are different ways to look at it, but I read it feeling a twinge of pessimism from the author. Yes, we don't wanna waste time and energy. However, sometimes you have to put your all into something and get little credit or appreciation in the beginning to succeed in the end. If depth and originality are wasted of not appreciated, change it - or at least work to change it. It may not happen right away, but never lower yourself to shallowness and conformity to protect yourself. Find a way to share your depth appropriately, and in a safe manner, and be that example.

“True is a gem that is found at great depth; whilst on the surface of this world, all things are weighed by the false scale of custom” – Lord Bryon

Don't give into the surface measurements - remember that the only measurements that count are deep... The ones deep within our hearts. Those are the ones that our Heavenly Father measures us by, and when honest with ourselves, what we measure ourselves by.

Embrace the depth within and open up to allow it to be seen on the surface...


Friday, November 21, 2008

Loving the Little Ones and the Twinkling Lights of Twilight...

I have contained the desire to write for a long while now, but have either been to lazy to do it at the opportune moment, or failed to have the opportune moment. I have so much to be grateful for and am excited about what I am currently involved with.

I recently got a job working at the same school as my mother, working in the special education department. It's a tough job sometimes, but very rewarding when you make a breakthrough. I am specifically the shadow for one seventh grade boy and a third grade boy and girl in the same class. One of the boys was extremely tough the first few days, doing everything he could to push me over the edge and take advantage of the "newbie." He threw so many fits and refused to do ANY work for three days! It was hard because nothing I tried was working...

So, I talked with the pros and they suggested a rules chart and then I thought up a sticker/prize system. I am hesitant to do much reward system stuff with him because he gets a lot of it at home, but it's working! Each day he goes with no warnings (Three warnings and they go to a "think time" - basically a time out with a worksheet each time about character), he gets three stickers for his sticker chart! If he gets warnings but no "think time," he still gets one sticker. He can also gets stickers for following his rules really well, doing a good job with an assignment, and being willing to do his work. When his chart is full, he gets to choose a prize from my "Tresure Chest!" Haha... It's been working like magic these past two days - not even ONE warning - and I'm learning how to handle his oncoming fits and stop them before they start; How to word things differently for him to make him see my point and not get upset. I know every day won't be a slice of heaven, but I'm hoping this helps him improve - he's doing most of his work, staying in his seat, and shedding less tears, so I am happy! Haha... :)

They really are all sweet little kids - I love them with all my heart. The little seventh grade boy is ridiculously funny! He makes everything he touches into a fake gun and pretends to be a Transformer or Star Wars character. He'll stop if he's told no, but most kids play back with him until class starts and love him - he's doing well in mainstream and I love being able to help him maintain his growing process progress. He has gone leaps and bounds from when he started in my mom's class last year. I think I might get him a little action figure or book on planes - he loves those - for Christmas! :)

Otherwise, I must take time to discuss the amazingness of this early morning (midnight) that was, The Twilight Premier! Haha! I wasn't going to go because I have to work this morning, but my friend, Chad, bought me tickets for my birthday (I had a huge dinner at Mac Grill in Orem - SO FUN!) to see with him and two other friends in Provo. Chad and some others also got me a giant cardboard cutout of Edward Cullen... I laughed so hard when they walked in with it and set it up at the end of the long table so he could, "watch over me..." Haha! So classic - we took tons of pictures with it... :) There is a picture on the side of me and "my Edward..." - Haha!

Anyway, I went to the premier with Chad, Sam, and another girl I met tonight, Nadine. It was insane!!! Premiers are always interesting because you have people screaming when characters walk onto the screen or something really big happens within the story. I love the screaming at times, and often participate. However, the giggling little girls that had a hard time keeping quiet when anything physical happened, cheesy or loving words were spoken, or Edward gave "the dazzling look," drove me a little nuts. I'm excited to see the movie when it's been in the theater for awhile and the novelty has worn off a bit. It's kind of shot in an artsy way and I felt that was under appreciated by the giggles...

In all honesty, the movie was VERY different from the book (no huge surprise there) - more different than the Harry Potter movies were from the books - and it was hard for me to be subjective, but I was. I saw the film and book each as separate entities, and was able to appreciate it a bit more. I still think the film could have been a little bit longer and slowed down in the beginning... They cut one of the most beautiful and intimate parts of the story - the meadow scene - and it turned into a rushed and awkward moment between them... and for the audience. There were some great scenes though. I loved how they did the baseball scene! It has an interesting rhythm to it and the shots are beautiful. In fact, I love the coloration of the entire film - again, very artsy. I am going to see it again this weekend cause my sister-in-law also got me tickets, and I thought, "why not!" Haha... I still wanna see it again in a few weeks though cause Saturday is still gonna be crazy.

Overall, a good film and I think I will say a great film after I see it without the giggles and can really connect with the on-screen characters and their emotions... In closing...


Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Gonna Make a Change....

Presidential Election results for 2008: Barack Obama with VP, Joe Biden!

I have much to dwell upon and even more to write - haha! We have reached a very pivotal point in history for the United States of America, and I must add that I am mighty proud to be an American. No matter what you believe (republican or democratic values) it is pretty amazing to think that America voted in the first ever black president. We have come a loooooong way in the past fifty years! It really is going to be a day I must record in full for my posterity - my advice, save some newspaper clippings, write down your reactions and the public's reactions, and record how the media portrays things over the next few days/weeks. I do this with any big event... Olympics, 9/11, bombings, new church leaders, etc...

I noticed today as I talked to my mom and Chad about election stuff and where I stand on different issues that I am more of a moderate than anything - I truly am so split on where I stand. I mean, Over the past year and a half I have developed concise, clear, defined, and strong opinions about almost every issue. However, some issue I stand conservative in view and other issue I stand on the liberal side. It's a bit interesting... I had some awesome discussions with friends and family this week, and some intense arguments. I have really grown as an individual in the past few years, and especially this past few weeks... I love that! :)

I have more to write about my millions of doctor's appointments, writing songs, and my amazing trip back east... but for now, I have a date with my pillow - haha! That was cheesy... Oh well, I've got subbing all week and wanna make it through another day of full-day kindergarten tomorrow! :)