Sunday, December 14, 2008
His name was Quincy Stott and he was one of my best friend when I lived in Wyoming. I was in the sixth grade and had promised to only dance fast dances if I went to the dance - because I wasn't fourteen yet and we weren't to attend dances till we were fourteen. Well, I was sneaky and shared in one slow dance with Quincy - just a friend, though two years before (fourth grade - I was in sixth during the dance) I had been "madly in love" with him. Haha...
We danced to Jewel's song, "Foolish Games" - just becoming big from being on a Motion Picture Soundtrack - and it took place in my middle school gymnasium in the middle of the afternoon... I felt awkward and a little stupid because I dragged him out to dance with me. I am a very "go-getter" girl and so if I wanted to do something the boy didn't have a whole lot of options... I promise, I am not that bad anymore. It's more-so a give and take world, now.
Oh, and I remember I wore overalls and I believe a striped shirt. The dance was a "sock hop" in the sense that we had to take our shoes off at the door as to not scratch the wooden floor. I was wearing two different colored socks - green and yellow. I use to do this on purpose to be "different," and thought I was till recently when some of the girls on the cheer squad I coach took their shoes off last week and said they do that same thing... Haha. Oh, to be in sixth grade again - wait. I'm good!
Memories are funny things. Why do we remember some events more vividly than others? Why do memories come back to us - and why do some come back multiple times, or at bizzare times, in our lives?
I think about that dance every time I hear that song - and sometimes at other points in my life. I hold no real connection to Quincy any longer. He just got married to a real cute girl he met up at BYU-Idaho and seems to be studying political science or something like unto it. We have talked a little on facebook, but yea... nothing - no real connection.
I think a lot of memories come through me through music - my main desire and passion. If I hear "Gel" by Metallica, I still think about roller skating in middle school - I would go every Friday and Saturday night and got to be really good on skates - not as much on blades, though I thought they were cooler. If I hear the song "This Will Be (Everlasting Love)" by Natalie Cole, I think about the movie While You Were Sleeping and watching over each holiday with my mom... and then how my mom ALWAYS falls asleep during the middle of the movie.
When I hear "Pachelbel's Cannon" I still think of Father of the Bride and weddings... I think of ceremonies of importance in my life then. When I hear John Mayer's "My Stupid Mouth," I remember my junior year of HS and my first choir concert with the Patriot Singers at Albemarle High - My friend, AnnTolley sang it (cool name, eh?). When I hear "Killing Me Softly" by the Fugees or "Best of Me" by Starting Line, I think about my friends Candice going crazy at EFY in our room singing on her hairbrush to the blasting songs! "Hero" by Mariah Carey reminds me of my dad and singing in the car with him - so does "Opposites Attract" by Paula Abdul.... Speaking of Paula, her song "Coldhearted" reminds me of cheer leading and wanting to be a cheerleader so badly when I was little for awhile because all my girl friends in Phillie did it. My friend Janelle made up a dance to it in her backyard and I rolled my shirt up to be a tummy shirt - haha!
Anything from West Side Story makes me remember knowing I wanted to do theater, singing, and dancing for the rest of my life in some entity. I saw this girl - Meg Nielsen - play Anita in West Side Story and wanted to be like her when I grew up so badly. Meg was six years older than me and I looked up to her SO much... When I hear "Superhuman" by Chris Brown I think of the East Coast, and "Dirty" by Christina Augularia is my recalling to freshman year. "One Love" by Bob Marley reminds me of the Bakersfield Boys - especially Dustin. "At the Beginning" reminds me of Wende Jenness - my seventh grade teacher who changed my life at age 13 and made me believe in myself... That I could write. That I could do anything I put my mind to.
"Breath of Heaven" by Amy Grant, brings me back to every Christmas - especially when I was little and fell asleep to that CD/song each night as Christmas drew closer. That whole Christmas CD is amazing - I listen every year and her version of "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" draws forth the memories of Derek (my brother) and I dancing around and acting out the song in our tiny Phillie home, living room - trying to avoid taking a bath one night. Haha!!!
I love music and the memories that are created because of a tune of song. There is so much emotionally tied and charged by a song... I still have specific songs for individuals who have come through my life... "Lady in Red," "Home," "Right Kind of Wrong," "Bounce," "Georgia Rain," "Upside-Down (On the Ceiling)." and even "Foolish Games..."
Some songs make me wanna dance or sing along... and some songs make me desire certain things out of life. Certain songs make me want to "go for it," and push my music career. Other songs create a desire in me to work-out more, or improve myself... Songs instill emotions and desires in us that can be negative, but also SO positive.... Music - the most powerful entity on the planet. The greatest driving force - we are so created through music...
... or is it only me?
What songs bring back specific memories in your life? What songs bring a certain face to your mind? What songs create desire in you???
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Today - this week - has been LONG day. It felt like it would never end and I felt monotonous in my routine and my thoughts. I crave change and growth... I crave doing something that I truly love. I like my new job a lot. The kids are fabulous, the pay decent, the hours perfect, and the experience great... However, I don't feel a lot of personal fulfillment by using my talents and capabilities. I feel as though I am learning how to more effectively work with difficult people or those with disabilities. I am enhancing skills that can guide me to being a better mother, role model, and friend - a better listener and more effective communicator. These are all very important abilities. However, there is not a lot of room for me to use my full range of talents in the way I truly want to.
I have been contemplating the meaning of depth. What does depth mean to you, and to me? Is depth external or internal, and if it is both, which amount of depth matters the most? Is depth different from your personality, the things you talk about, and your actions than from your beliefs and personal thoughts or desires? Or, is it all encompassing of those things?
The dictionary stated that depth can be defined as, "an unfathomable space, emotional profundity, a high degree of such knowledge, the quality of being deep, or complexity and obscurity." Thank you dictionary.com - haha!
Depth can be all of the things listed above, but I speak of depth in being true meaning and integrity. Depth stimulates thinking and growth. I do not mean that this growth must change your beliefs, ideals, or desires. However, this growth should change you. We are constantly changing and moving forward or backwards - there is no standing stagnant. Depth of character and mind is what creates a well-rounded, intelligent individual.
I believe that depth is an all encompassing element in creating an understanding of an individual. A person can possess a brilliant mind and even be able to speak these thoughts articulately, but if they do not use their knowledge and sit in slothfulness then the depth is lacking. If someone has strong beliefs and desires to help others and make the world a better place, but their actions to not match these expressed beliefs, these desires appear shallow - the depth has disappeared because the beliefs appear unsupported and weak coming from this individual.
I do believe that a person can have more depth in some aspects of their lives than in others. However, I think the real importance of depth lies in character and mind. So let's do some definitions for depth of character - this being integrity and honesty - and depth of mind - this being more than presentation, but how one truly thinks and what one talks about. If those things are lacking I believe that an individual needs to re-evaluate...
So the presented questions for myself are these: What do I talk about? What do I think about? What are my actions in relation to what I profess to believe and say? Do I stand by what I believe - and I do not just mean religiously, but an extensive reach over all aspects of my life? Am I honest?
I know the answer to these. I'm not asking anyone but myself and my Heavenly Father for these answers - and now I know where my depth is lacking. I will never be perfect, but I think that there can be a great amount of growth from each and every one of us. I think it is important to gain depth from all that we do. I found this quote today, ‘I am very careful to be shallow and conventional where depth and originality are wasted” – Lucy Montgomery. I found this quote to be a little sad. I know there are different ways to look at it, but I read it feeling a twinge of pessimism from the author. Yes, we don't wanna waste time and energy. However, sometimes you have to put your all into something and get little credit or appreciation in the beginning to succeed in the end. If depth and originality are wasted of not appreciated, change it - or at least work to change it. It may not happen right away, but never lower yourself to shallowness and conformity to protect yourself. Find a way to share your depth appropriately, and in a safe manner, and be that example.
“True is a gem that is found at great depth; whilst on the surface of this world, all things are weighed by the false scale of custom” – Lord Bryon
Don't give into the surface measurements - remember that the only measurements that count are deep... The ones deep within our hearts. Those are the ones that our Heavenly Father measures us by, and when honest with ourselves, what we measure ourselves by.
Embrace the depth within and open up to allow it to be seen on the surface...
Friday, November 21, 2008
I recently got a job working at the same school as my mother, working in the special education department. It's a tough job sometimes, but very rewarding when you make a breakthrough. I am specifically the shadow for one seventh grade boy and a third grade boy and girl in the same class. One of the boys was extremely tough the first few days, doing everything he could to push me over the edge and take advantage of the "newbie." He threw so many fits and refused to do ANY work for three days! It was hard because nothing I tried was working...
So, I talked with the pros and they suggested a rules chart and then I thought up a sticker/prize system. I am hesitant to do much reward system stuff with him because he gets a lot of it at home, but it's working! Each day he goes with no warnings (Three warnings and they go to a "think time" - basically a time out with a worksheet each time about character), he gets three stickers for his sticker chart! If he gets warnings but no "think time," he still gets one sticker. He can also gets stickers for following his rules really well, doing a good job with an assignment, and being willing to do his work. When his chart is full, he gets to choose a prize from my "Tresure Chest!" Haha... It's been working like magic these past two days - not even ONE warning - and I'm learning how to handle his oncoming fits and stop them before they start; How to word things differently for him to make him see my point and not get upset. I know every day won't be a slice of heaven, but I'm hoping this helps him improve - he's doing most of his work, staying in his seat, and shedding less tears, so I am happy! Haha... :)
They really are all sweet little kids - I love them with all my heart. The little seventh grade boy is ridiculously funny! He makes everything he touches into a fake gun and pretends to be a Transformer or Star Wars character. He'll stop if he's told no, but most kids play back with him until class starts and love him - he's doing well in mainstream and I love being able to help him maintain his growing process progress. He has gone leaps and bounds from when he started in my mom's class last year. I think I might get him a little action figure or book on planes - he loves those - for Christmas! :)
Otherwise, I must take time to discuss the amazingness of this early morning (midnight) that was, The Twilight Premier! Haha! I wasn't going to go because I have to work this morning, but my friend, Chad, bought me tickets for my birthday (I had a huge dinner at Mac Grill in Orem - SO FUN!) to see with him and two other friends in Provo. Chad and some others also got me a giant cardboard cutout of Edward Cullen... I laughed so hard when they walked in with it and set it up at the end of the long table so he could, "watch over me..." Haha! So classic - we took tons of pictures with it... :) There is a picture on the side of me and "my Edward..." - Haha!
Anyway, I went to the premier with Chad, Sam, and another girl I met tonight, Nadine. It was insane!!! Premiers are always interesting because you have people screaming when characters walk onto the screen or something really big happens within the story. I love the screaming at times, and often participate. However, the giggling little girls that had a hard time keeping quiet when anything physical happened, cheesy or loving words were spoken, or Edward gave "the dazzling look," drove me a little nuts. I'm excited to see the movie when it's been in the theater for awhile and the novelty has worn off a bit. It's kind of shot in an artsy way and I felt that was under appreciated by the giggles...
In all honesty, the movie was VERY different from the book (no huge surprise there) - more different than the Harry Potter movies were from the books - and it was hard for me to be subjective, but I was. I saw the film and book each as separate entities, and was able to appreciate it a bit more. I still think the film could have been a little bit longer and slowed down in the beginning... They cut one of the most beautiful and intimate parts of the story - the meadow scene - and it turned into a rushed and awkward moment between them... and for the audience. There were some great scenes though. I loved how they did the baseball scene! It has an interesting rhythm to it and the shots are beautiful. In fact, I love the coloration of the entire film - again, very artsy. I am going to see it again this weekend cause my sister-in-law also got me tickets, and I thought, "why not!" Haha... I still wanna see it again in a few weeks though cause Saturday is still gonna be crazy.
Overall, a good film and I think I will say a great film after I see it without the giggles and can really connect with the on-screen characters and their emotions... In closing...
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Presidential Election results for 2008: Barack Obama with VP, Joe Biden!
I have much to dwell upon and even more to write - haha! We have reached a very pivotal point in history for the United States of America, and I must add that I am mighty proud to be an American. No matter what you believe (republican or democratic values) it is pretty amazing to think that America voted in the first ever black president. We have come a loooooong way in the past fifty years! It really is going to be a day I must record in full for my posterity - my advice, save some newspaper clippings, write down your reactions and the public's reactions, and record how the media portrays things over the next few days/weeks. I do this with any big event... Olympics, 9/11, bombings, new church leaders, etc...
I noticed today as I talked to my mom and Chad about election stuff and where I stand on different issues that I am more of a moderate than anything - I truly am so split on where I stand. I mean, Over the past year and a half I have developed concise, clear, defined, and strong opinions about almost every issue. However, some issue I stand conservative in view and other issue I stand on the liberal side. It's a bit interesting... I had some awesome discussions with friends and family this week, and some intense arguments. I have really grown as an individual in the past few years, and especially this past few weeks... I love that! :)
I have more to write about my millions of doctor's appointments, writing songs, and my amazing trip back east... but for now, I have a date with my pillow - haha! That was cheesy... Oh well, I've got subbing all week and wanna make it through another day of full-day kindergarten tomorrow! :)
Sunday, October 26, 2008
When I get angry or upset, I know that if I listen to music (even "angry music") I will automatically begin to feel better and release the inner/outer tension. When I lived in Oregon I got into a huge argument with my father once and was SO angry. I went outside with my diskman and listened to Linkin Park for twenty minutes... Though the problem was still there, I was calm. Music soothes my soul and bring my pure contentment.
I have really felt like a failure lately at a lot of things... Everything I touch seems to run away from me. I don't have a job still and I'm no longer going to school. I'm not dating anyone and I'm not losing the weight I would like to be losing. I have way to much time to "dwell" and not enough positive thinking around me to dwell upon. I feel like an ultimate failure... To add to the mix, for the past three months I have spent an overwhelming amount of time sick, and I have been unable to fully sing. Before I was even sick I was having problems with my voice... I have an appointment with an ear, nose, and throat doctor up in Murry and I'm nervous there is some sort of damage there... I just want my voice back and I would feel SO much better.
I feel like Heavenly Father is trying me in every way possible. I'm up for the challenge - just not today.
Today in Relief Society one of the counselors said, "It's okay, to not be okay... It's okay to let your walls down and be vulnerable. Start being more real and stop holding back..." She said this to everyone, but I felt like it was aimed to me through the spirit. Each day I'm a fortress, but today I'm an open field... I'm a immovable target for emotional distress. I can't really hold back anymore.
I'm worried. I'm worried about money and success. I'm worried about never doing what I really love and want to do.
I know that worry is a "lack of faith," but... here I sit, worried. Trying with ALL my being to have faith, and losing faith in myself... I guess that is the tricky part. Heavenly Father says have faith, but it is more than faith in him. It is faith in our own being - his child and creation. I am usually so confident, but I feel none of that confidence right now.
You know, they tell you in children's books to "dream big" - they also tell you this at EFY... (*enter sarcastic smile here*) However, sometimes it is hard to be the big dreamer. I know what I want and have always wanted to do. Yet, when you are not measuring up and have gone back and forth with these dreams, then you lose so much hope and faith in yourself. You start to believe that dreams don't come true and you will never be good enough. You start to see why everyone else is so much better than you... so much smarter than you, more qualified... so much prettier than you.
I know I'm suppose to be little miss strong... Linze - the girl who is always an optimist. I usually am, that's true... not today. Today, life is allowed to just SUCK a little.
All I really want to do is make music and perform... Really, that is ALL I want. Yes, I would love to "be an event planner and maybe a teacher when I'm older" - the classic things I say. However, what do I really want? I want to sing. I want to be my own symphony. I've been writing lyrics a lot lately, and getting better at it... but what does that really do. I need songs here and now and I need to be out there... I also need the money from a job to do that.
Do you know why I really want a job? Well, other than to add to society & my home's income and to not be bored.... I want to make enough money that I can pay off stupid debts and then travel around LA trying to sing for a living. I know. "Really Linze? Really?" That is what you're thinking... YES. REALLY.
I want to have family and be happily married in the temple someday, but first I wanna be out there living the dream... and just like everything else, all I can say is: We'll See.
Will tomorrow be a better day? We'll See.
Friday, October 10, 2008
I was sitting in my living room, watching The Posh Life of Pop Stars on VH1 and heard that a good chunk of those who have grown to be mondo famous in the past few years have become so randomly. For example, people put stuff out on MySpace or YouTube, someone sees them, and BANG! They are famous and rich individuals. Perhaps I should put some of my songs on there...
Haha... What a thought. We'll see.
So, I found a grad school program at GWU in Washington D.C. that I think looks perfect - getting my MBA, emphasizing in Tourism and Hospitality. I want to do events management/planning, and working and going to school in D.C. could be the perfect step to actually getting started with my dreams of one day owning my own events planning business! I'm going to tour the campus in a week and a half when I am there with my family, and want to meet with an adviser while there if possible. I love the city life, so it's also a big plus in this area as well!
Life is great... So chill, but still looking for employment. Nothing suggested has really worked out for me, but I know that it will in due time. For now, I am so close to my senior trip back East that I'm not hitting applying for positions really hard until I return. I asked my parents if they thought this was dumb, but they said not at all. I really want to go back East and they really want me there - it's gonna be AMAZING! :)
Sarah goes into the MTC in five days... I can't really talk about it right now because it doesn't seem real yet. I got my first letter from Nicole today - weird! She was put in advanced Spanish and leaves the MTC in TWO WEEKS for the field!!! I am so excited for and proud of her - she is going to be an amazing missionary... As is Sarah. DANG. That girl has such a good heart... I have never had a better friend and better example for me to follow in so many ways. She is my BEST friend and it is gonna be really hard when she's finally gone - as excited as I am for her.
Like I said, I can't really talk about how I feel about it since it's still so new and unreal to me...
So, I read David Archuleta's interviews and blog - I know. I am SO weird... maybe a little crazy. Sue me. My point, is that he is an amazing kid - what a good example to me and the rest of us of thinking about others before yourself. If you want to understand where I am coming from I suggest reading his blog entries on his MySpace page, or googling his interviews... Seriously, you'll be blown away by how much David "gets it"... cause he does.
Yep. Cold. I think it's John Mayer season. That would be fall/early winter - pensive time in many ways.... personal, reflective time to ponder about my life and the lives or needs of others. John Mayer season, because his music is just too perfect for moments of internal questioning...
Bring on, John Mayer season.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
1) I absolutely love rain. Eastern thunderstorms are the best, but any rain makes me smile.
2) Yellow is my favorite color, hands down - followed by pink and blue.
3) I love BYU sports with all my heart and soul. I skip other important events for BYU football games.
4) My life is encompassed by music. Music creates my entire being, and I would not smile or laugh half as much without music. It is my means to keep going when life gets hard.
5) I am obsessed with missionary work. Each time I bear my testimony I have to add a plug for missionary work - Sharing the gospel is the most important thing that we can do in this life and the next.
6) I have webbed toes. Just two. They are on my right foot.
7) In relation to #6, NO. I am not a better swimmer because I have webbed toes.
8) I have a love affair with cookie dough - If it were healthier (well, healthy at all) I would live off of it... As of now, I only partially live off of it.
9) My favorite animal is an elephant.
10) I think I look awesome in green.
11) I am a coastal and city girl. I love things about the mid states and the country, but I adore big cities and living on the coast! I love Cali, but I am an East Coast girl at heart!
12) I have moved ten times growing up... (ID x2, PA x2, CA, WY, NM, VA, OR, UT)
13) I am obsessed with reality TV! I know it can be dumb, meaningless, and trashy, and not really reality at all, but I love it!
14) I wanna be on American Idol someday... Haha! I also want to record my own record someday!
15) I am crazy about jewelry! I love accessorizing and believe that is can make or break an outfit. When picking an outfit I spend a good chunk of time picking the right jewelry and if I am not satisfied with the accessories I am not really happy with the outfit.
16) I love doing makeup and hair - It's not what I want to do professionally, but I could do it as a side route because I love it.
17) My favorite book of all time is The Giver, by Lois Lowry.
18) I speak in movie quotes a lot of the time.
19) If I could meet any entertainer it would be Celine Dion.
20) I am actually very scared when meeting people for the first time if I don't have a friend with me. However, I force myself to do it anyway.
21) Speaking of fears, I am terrified of scorpions and spiders. Not daddy-long-legs, but anything that looks dangerous... which, is pretty much everything else to me.
22) I love the fragrance Sassy from Avon, and Pacific Paradise from Escada. I also love Armani, Gap Blue, and Aquadigio on boys!
23) I love hip hop dancing, but I love listening to slow music with really thoughtful lyrics.
24) I write poetry and music lyrics - a lot.
25) I love any movie directed my Tim Burton or M. Night Shyamalan.
26) I have over fifteen journals and eight scrapbooks from my lifetime, thus far.
27) I like to read, but I get distracted easily while doing it and make up pictures in my head. For example, I create the movie of any book visually in my mind while reading. Therefore, it takes me forever to get through a book.
28) I love talking politics even though it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable at times. It sounds cliche, I know, but it is true... I am a real moderate.
29) My favorite music is actually Christmas music. That is also my favorite Holiday! We have the coolest family traditions for Christmas Eve.
30) I love sleeping in a chilly room, wrapped in lots of blankets and HATE sleeping in a warm room. This is probably because I have to have a blanket on me!
31) I have a disease in my right knee that isn't a big deal anymore, but held me back from some sports stuff in High School.
32) I don't like to cry in public, or at all - I refuse to let myself do it if it can be avoided.
33) I cry over spiritual things, almost always when I hear the song "I Am a Child of God"... and I always cry when I see a special, or movie on TV about special needs individuals or cancer victims.
34) My favorite song of all time is "The Way You Look Tonight," by Steve Tyrell.
35) When I was growing up, I was convinced I was going to marry Zac Hanson. I would tape every music video, interview, performance, and special on them... and I still have the tapes in storage.
36) I love networking, event planning, leadership positions, and interacting with people. I am a complete people person, but I do have to have my personal space for about an hour each day.
37) I am a spitter. I know, gross - eh.
38) Um... I am completely in love (platonic!) with this David Archuleta kid. He's amazingly talented, devoted to/passionate about music, a great example and missionary for the church, humble, and so darn cute! Whenever I hear his song on TV or the radio I stop what I am doing to listen and bask in his glorious, golden tones.
39) Boys who can sing make my heart melt. If a person can't carry a tune I think it is cute, but can only stand it for so long. I have nearly perfect pitch.
40) I usually sleep in athletic shorts and a tank top.
41) I don't wear red during the week of any Utah vs. BYU sporting events - esp. football!
42) I want to go to grad school and want to work whenever I am able to! Family is first to me, always, but I still want to always be working.
43) I don't really like hospitals. I hate seeing life-flight helicopters. Car accidents also make me nervous...
44) I don't like Star Wars. I can stand it, but I don't enjoy it very much.
45) I love the Harry Potter and Twilight series.
46) I am kind of obsessed with stickers... and markers.
47) I want to be in MoTab someday.
48) I have never broken a bone, but have had stitches once on my right hand.
49) I sleep with about eight pillows on my bed each night.
50) In High School, I did show choir, chamber choir, jazz choir, concert band, marching band, drum major, dance team, step team, class representative, theater: musicals... pretty much, I never slept.
51) I have never been skiing, but I like snowboarding.
52) I washed my scriptures once by accident and was devastated. However, then I got to start a new color coded system and was fine.
53) This summer, I became violently ill one week and was diagnosed with pneumonia. Who gets pneumonia?
54) I am always ten minutes late, unless it is vitally important I am somewhere on time (ex: jobs).
55) I started learning piano this summer and am actually becoming fairly decent. I also recently started learning Arabic.
56) I love to travel. I want to go to Holland, Germany, China, Jerusalem, New Zealand, and Disneyworld most!
57) I can do a decent British accent - I've tricked some Brits with it a few times, which brings me to...
58) I am OBSESSED with London, England!!! I lived there for two and half months one summer on a theater study abroad and fell into even deeper love with the culture, people, accents, history, theater, and city itself. I have a lot of American pride, but would love to live there again for a year or so.
59) I want between 4-9 children... I think 7 children is about right, but we'll see what the Lord and my hubby want.
60) I am a very blunt person; VERY blunt.
61) When I was little and my mom would hand my crayons and paper I would draw the first vision. I have very strong ties to Joseph Smith and his family.
62) I want to name one of my little boys Jospeh Carter, and call him Joe. I want to name one of my little girls Cammie Elizabeth, and call her Cammie Beth. I also love weird names like Adian, Keegan, Ryker, Riley, Kira, Zoey, and Jamal.
63) I love Costa Vida and Cafe Rio salads more than anything! That dressing = AMAZING.
64) I like lifting weights and doing aerobic dance to work out. I loath running, though I do it at times.
65) I'm not that into the Beatles. I know - for a musician this is like blasphemy. However, I respect what they did and like some of their songs, but enjoy newer sounds and am not huge into their voices. Great job breaking walls though!
66) I am a night owl.
67) I love romantic comedies more than any other type of movie...
68) I love shopping for new, cute underwear. I hate shopping for bathing suits.
69) I switch clothes with my mom from time to time - she and I give each other fashion advice... except, she can't do hair at all so I do hers sometimes.
70) I am addicted to Diet Coke and lip gloss.
71) I don't like to wear shoes. I have lots of cute pairs, but I always take them off when I get where I am going and sometimes on my way there.
72) I go five miles over the speed limit on rural roads, and ten miles over the speed limit on the freeway. I haven't had a ticket in two years, but I have gotten three.
73) I have been to all but three states in my life - Florida, Hawaii, and Alaska.
74) If I could serve a mission anywhere, I would serve at Temple Square. I would love to serve at a visitor's center. If I had to go foreign, I would want to go to New Zealand or Australia.
75) I have three older brothers (28, 26, 24) and one little sister (16).
76) I am an avid gum chewer, but hate chompers.
77) I get migrains randomly once a month.
78) My allergies include: penicillin, novocaine, arythromyocin, high vinegar content, some dyes in soaps, and febreeze.
79) If I could be anything I would be a vocal performer and recording artist.
80) My dream is to own a small plot of land on La Jolla beach in California, build a beach house, and rent it out to people for cheaper than normal... except for my family and I want to use it. I also want to make enough money to construct a really nice housing complex next to BYU and charge students lower rates for awesome quality living.
81) I try to see the best in people. I like to think that everyone is good from the start - I don't believe in listening to gossip... go to the source and get to know them and their opinion.
82) Worst physical feature: My tummy Best physical feature: My eyes or breasts
83) I love to take pictures with my camera, especially fun candid shots, even though I am not that good at it. I love to be in posed and cheesy photos!
84) My favorite food is Mac and Cheese smothered in applesauce and sour cream, green chilies, chicken enchiladas. I hate carrots, raw tomatoes, and raw fish. I eat ketchup on everything.
85) I do my own manicures each week.
86) I am a high matienance girl who knows how to be thrifty. In other words, I like to have nice clothes and things, but I know how to shop smart and only buy sale items. I have only bought five or six things at full price in my whole life - literally.
87) The smell right after it rains and of fresh baked bread bring my the most joy.
88) I like wearing skirts sometimes - I like dressing really nice for no reason other than to look nice.
89) I feel a lot of satisfaction after painting a room in a home and fixing the room up. I really enjoy doing that!
90) When I was 12 my father almost died in heart attack, and I had told him I hated him the night before. Thus, I tell everyone (no matter how mad or upset I am) that I love them all the time, and especially before I leave to go somewhere.
91) I love to laugh. If you want to be a close friend of mine, you have to have a good sense of humor.
92) I don't think sex is a dirty or taboo topic if talked about appropriately, and I discuss it very openly with family and friends.
93) I most enjoy finding people on the outskirts at a party and talk to them.
94) When I am really mad or upset, I get really quiet.
95) I don't watch R rated movies, but I drink caffeine. I am modest in dress and I don't like swear words. I did go through a swearing stage in fifth grade for awhile though.
96) I have never owed anyone ice cream...
97) I love using the "..." when writing, and I try to be very grammatically correct when I text people.
98) I hate it when girls leave the last bite of something on their plates - that won't make you gain less weight! I also hate it when people don't use their turning signals or ride me when I'm going the speed limit.
99) I tried to go by Liz (instead of Linze) in middle school during sixth grade for about a month. One teacher participated and the rest of them literally told me it was a dumb idea.
100) If I could have any super power it would be teleportation - who wouldn't wanna snap their fingers and just be somewhere else... especially for a girl who is always late.
101) The first time I had to kiss someone was in front of 60 kids at my high school when I was running a scene for this play I was in my senior year. The director added a kiss in for our characters and wanted us to just try it out. It was the end of the day and so the other kids were coming in from their rehearsals. Well, I just went for it when we got to the right part and the whole place went quiet as we separated... The boy stood there looking at me, and then looked at the stage manager and asked, "Um, Line?" Haha! So, pretty much my last thing is I am an amazing kisser... I think? Eh!
Speaking of kissing...
Thursday, October 2, 2008
I love writing because it is somewhat therapeutic for me... I'm good at it, and I feel satisfied when I have finished an article, journal entry, research paper, or when I have simply written in the form of nonsensical dabbling. I love to write... or type.
Sidenote: I just wrote the BEST song I have ever written (lyrics wise - I still suck at music)!
I still have yet to find a job and what should come in the mail today but my first call to pay back my undergraduate loans. Why did I buy movies and CDs in college? Why did I not save that money?
Here I sit with no job and not much money in my savings account, and they are calling me to give up that money to pay back loans. What happened to the days of free education for the people? Oh yea. That ended five years ago...
I am trying with ALL my might to be an optimist right now, but these past two weeks have been so emotional. I'm just gonna let it all out RIGHT NOW:
One) I have been debating going on a full-time mission or not with exceedingly great focus over this past month and a half. I've decided to put my papers in for Young Performing Missionaries (YPM) for many reasons and then take it from there in February when a decision has been reached by the committee. My best friends are leaving as I speak pretty much to serve, and I want to be serving... but I feel right about my current decision. That has been emotional enough within itself...
*It's not like I could afford a full-time mission right now anyway... Like, really.
Two) I am finally letting go of many "tie-ups" in my life right now... That has been very hard for me. To realize that a piece of my life has been a farce... I can't hold to hope any longer. Thus, I have come to the realization I must go through somewhat of a cleansing process and forget a lot of the past and current situations. I am not done - that would be the easy part. I'm trying to be done, and it eats me emotionally - it wears me out quite a bit.
Three) I have no job. I feel lazy, although I am trying. I feel so under appreciated right now, and so mystified. How have I still not landed a successful job after many great interviews, hundreds of applications... ? I think I might just have to give in and take a job at the mall - Gap or Banana Republic... something.
I am struggling to feel content about anything in my life right now. Finally, when I was beginning to be so content with myself in every aspect, the world seems to be throwing me back to the waters. I know that I am growing closer to my Heavenly Father through this process, but it is still hard. I know that I am learning and growing in ways that the workplace can't teach me, but it is still hard.
All I have right now that is steady is my family and the gospel. That's all.... and that's hard.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Chicken legs. Thunder thighs. Flabby. Toned.
For years, the male gender has been memorized by the female anatomy. Let's be honest here - we are differently equipped and thus, fascinating to the opposite sex. However, there is one part to our anatomy that men have as well, and yet... men are fascinated by women in this aspect. Legs. The same fascination is not reciprocated by women towards male legs... At least, not within my knowledge - or taste.
(Sidenote: In fact, I um... somewhat... well, strongly... Dislike male thighs. Yep. Someday I will have to face that fear, but till then - hate em'!)
I will never understand the obsession that boys have with legs.
During my sophomore year in High School, I was in a weight lifting class for track team. If I did that I got out of PE, and I hated all the dumb tests in there. If I was gonna get sweaty and gross mid-day, I wanted to actually build some muscle. My body was in such good shape after that class... *sigh* Haha!
Now, one day at lunch one of my best friends (a guy) stated that the sexiest part of the female to him was their legs. Now, let me blunt - I liked this boy... a lot. Therefore, I took all opportunities during my weight lifting class to work my calve muscles like I have never done before... Haha! My legs were already fairly strong, but I wanted definition... and man, did I get it! My legs were awesome. I'm not cocky - I'm being real here.
Then, last night some of my guy friends were chatting about why sister missionaries are not allowed to wear high heels. I knew it was a rule, but I thought it was just about the fact that walking in high heels everywhere gives you blisters, and missions are all about walking... Yea. That's not the only issue here. New flash to myself, as every other individual has probably already discovered, hot legs turn boys on... what?
Anyway, the story continues. A few weeks ago I noticed how much my legs sucked and was talking to my mom about needing to get them in shape again. I simply adore having strong legs and big calves. I even got these special shoes that are built like mini-rockers and tone your legs - yep. I was in to make my legs awesome again...
My point? I still don't get it. I still don't get what makes a leg sexy? It's a LEG!
... and yet, I still do everything in my power to have hotter legs. Yep - good job, society. You got me this time.
This is me and my friend Jackie... Showin' a lil' leg last Halloween as the dark angel (my usual costume - haha!) and me as Sally from Nightmare Before Christmas... Yep, boys. Enjoy.
Monday, September 29, 2008
I have a Savior who lives and loves me. He died for me, and now lives again so that I can one day live again with him and my Father after this frail existence. He loves me. My Father in Heaven loves me... I am a CHILD of GOD. Sometimes I think I forget what that really means... Do you know what that really means? You have Heavenly parents who love and care about you - they want you to succeed and ultimately, be sincerely happy. My Heavenly Father is always there for my to talk to, cry to, and thank - He will never, never cease listening to me, because he loves me. I am his literal CHILD, and he is my literal FATHER. I can become like him someday, and inherit all that he has and is...
I know that the scriptures are the true word of God... The Book of Mormon and Bible testify of our Savior, Jesus Christ, His atoning sacrifice, and His ability to heal us not only from physical pain or sin, but from out trails, temptations, and emotional turmoil. This is also done because He loves us with all of His being. The Book or Mormon teaches us how to follow the standards of the gospel, thus leading us back to eternal joy through righteous actions.
I was thinking today about personal actions in life... I have been studying a lot on Faith in the scriptures and in the Bible Dictionary it states that Faith is a principle of action and power. That we gain more Faith, and the power to grow and achieve things through righteous action. This is why our church believes that "faith without works is dead," and why we are "saved by grace after all tat we can do." People say that the LDS church does not believe in being saved through Christ's grace. I testify that we do believe in grace, but that grace is bestowed upon us according to our willingness to accept it- our faith. Faith is grown and nourished through righteous actions. After we are doing what we can do (remember everyone is different, so it is different for each individual what they can do - this is one reason we are commanded to not pass judgment) we are blessed and Christ's grace is recognized and sufficent to "make up the rest." Since "all we can do" is never everything, we MUST have faith in his grace to make up the rest and save us. I know that we are saved by grace, after all that we can do... :)
I know that there is a plan for each person on this earth... a personal plan, because Heavenly Father loves each of us individually. Heavenly Father does not pick and chose who to love, or have a plan for. He simply and beautifully loves each of His children... and as we are all His children, we all have an eternal plan. As we put our faith, hope, and trust in the Lord, he will guide us to our chosen path and even walk with us through the hard (and easy) times. All we are required to do is "ask... and we shall receive."
We are often tested and tried to our limits so that we will 1) turn more fully and appreciatively to the Lord, 2) learn for ourselves or our personal strengthens and capabilities, and 3) to help us gain stronger conviction within our faith and the standards for which we live by. As we and faithfully and prayerfully turn to the Lord in these trying times of hardship, he will come unto us and receive out burdens as His own. I testify that he will relieve us before it has grown too much to bear - The Lord with never ask us to give more than possible. He knows us better than we know ourselves, which is why we must put our faith and trust in him, and his timing. Again, I bear testimony that Heavenly Father has a plan for us and wants us to live with Him again. He will help us through this SHORT life, and gain eternal exaltation and eternal joy following this
life... This is, again, because he LOVES us.
I testify of these eternal truths and stand by my convictions, with each word I have written. I know that the gospel of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the full truth upon the face of this earth - it is Christ's restored gospel. I know that Christ and Heavenly Father appeared to the Joseph as means to restore the gospel to the earth, and that Joseph Smith was a prophet of the Lord. We do not worship Joseph Smith, but we honor and look to him... I know that President Thomas S. Monson is a modern-day prophet on the face of the earth today. We can still attain revelation from the heavens through him, our other apostles, and through our own personal revelation by the gift of the Holy Ghost.
I know that Heavenly Father lives and loves me. I know that Jesus Christ, Heavenly Father's son, also lives and loves me... That he died for me, and resurrected to a perfect being. That he died for me out of love and faith in me that I can, and will, return to my Father in Heaven again someday to live with them both. I know that the scriptures are the word of God and as we follow them we will be able to feel of God's love for us and have a more full desire to serve Him, and see Him again - We will be drawn to do what is right. I know eternal families are real, and that temples are an opportunity to bring families together forever... and I am thankful that I know I will see my family again one day - including my Heavenly Father and brother, Jesus Christ. I love my Savior, and testify of these eternal truths in his sacred name, Amen.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Smart man. Love him.
How do you box your emotions and memories and store them away? This is an interesting and loaded question/concept. It is a topic I have discussed before and have spent much time recently dwelling on in attempt to find a reasonable answer. Nevertheless, I have found no answer at all other than simply doing it... It's like trying anything new, or having faith in something you are struggling believing; You try it out and live like it's natural, until it becomes so.
Dusty shelves hold material memories.
Locked hearts hold emotional memories.
Burning books destroy recorded memories.
Bleeding hearts rehash memories.
Hearts in repair, lock out memories.
New hearts overcome and embrace memories.
Just some random thoughts...
So, as of late I have decided that in my life I must forge in new directions and make new, creative plans for myself. In five years, where do I want to be? In ten years? I wanna make a road map for myself and watch it change as the Lord sees fit. Haha!
So, let's start this out easy... Where do I want to be in life... ?
Next Year: I would ideally like to be working for a company I enjoy being involved with and making at least $40, 000 a year. I would like to be heading back to school to complete my Master's Degree, either in Comms or getting my MPA. I would also like to have paid off all of all of my undergraduate loans, live outside of my home again, and own my first car.
Three Years: Be graduated with my Master's Degree and be working in an established events planning/PR job that is making $60,000+ a year. Spend at least a few months living in LA or DC!
Five Years: Have moved up in the company and be in established position, in a significant leadership role. Married; This could happen around the three year mark as well, but I don't know that it will. We'll see.
Ten Years: Married with a few children. Working from home for an events business and improving in my knowledge of event and social trends. Preparing to fund my and open my own events planning business!
From there, who knows if I will be in events or education... I enjoy both, and we will see where life leads me. Of course, a few things will change my time-line... One) If I go on a mission 2) If/when I have my own family they will be numero uno on my list of priorities. So, that will fit in more and more to my list as I get married and have children... I wish I could plot that on my time-line. Haha! I would love to be secure enough with my husband's income to not have to work, but still get to work - if your know what I mean. I really LOVE working and staying busy, so I would love to still be doing a little something... Even if it is simply aiding in my child's Kindergarten class! Haha...
Now, enough of life planning for now. I still have yet to make a Mission Statement for my life... So, I shall give it a shot, but probably do a lot of revising over the course of the week to perfect it:
The mission of Linze Struiksma is to grow and progress toward perfection in pursuit for eternal life. I will live a life full of intensive learning and development as I surround myself with motivating and positive settings and individuals. My commitment to excellence will be shown through my service to others, especially my family. I will maintain a balanced life by being a well-rounded individual – educated in the arts, sports, the political arena, history, current events around the world, and of course, the gospel of Jesus Christ. I will teach my family and friends to do the same within their lives.
To succeed in this mission, I will not fear change and progression within the workplace, church or internally. I will be kind and understanding of all those I come in contact with, as I strive to continually improve my networking abilities and relationships with others. Effective communication, open honesty, and genuine trust will be the foundation for any established relationship. I will always remember to be open-minded and understanding to new ideas or cultures. I will maintain flexibility and patience as new situations are placed in front of me.
My life will be lived to experience true happiness and help others enjoy each day! I will show gratitude to those around me, and tell those close to me how much I love and appreciate them each day. My positive attitude and genuine concern for the individual are to be shared openly with others. I will use my drive, passions, and talents to bless my family and the lives of others – I will share the gift of music and communication with the world. I will teach others to fight for what they believe in, and chase their truest desires by doing so for myself.
I will strive to be a constant example of truth and light to all those I come in contact with, and share my testimony through my actions. I will raise my family to have integrity and live in correspondence with these eternal truths. My educational, occupational, and personal goals are to be centered on my desire to grow closer to my Savior, and become who I was meant to be. Personal responsibilities must always lie in serving others in each project I undertake and decision that I make; doing so will bring me closer to Christ. I will make every effort to convey happiness in my home and social situations, and bring strength to those around me.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
I have not dreamed this much while I sleep in years. My mind is constantly running, and is simultaneously on high alert - ready to strike the first intruder who is not welcomed within each dream or thought. Each morning I awake, still tired from the never-ending tumult inside of my private dreams...
I feel as though these dreams aren't private either. Each day I feel as though my thoughts, emotions, and dreams are being broadcast to those around me with each encounter. A piece of this is my fault, as I have been so open with my thoughts and feelings when speaking with new and old friends. However, these people don't see my "dreams." They just hear my in cohesive babel related to relationships, jobs, family, and my many "encounters."
Here is how I feel, right now, this moment. I feel scared, lonely, tired, drained, confused, elated, hopeful, happy, angry, frustrated, discontent, thoughtful, half-baked, wanting, lost... I feel SO many mixed emotions, I have ceased having the ability to make any clear decisions. I wish I could explain in means that were intelligible... Right now, I am describing my feelings as clear as mud. Well, the mud is getting thicker and stickier, and I'm slowly sinking...
It boils down to this. I can not seem to gain a new future or let go of the past. I can not seem to
live for tomorrow, but am constantly in the future or the past... I am filled with worry and doubt, and that is not a very "Linze" thing to feel. Everyone turns to me for strength and understanding... Not this time. Who do I turn to?
Heavenly Father, of course... and yet, I feel as though he has given me the reins on this one and now I am lost in the desert with only a dying horse to guide me back... I have to choose the paths, and he wants me to learn from each dead end and round-about I encounter.
One day I will look back and be overwhelmingly grateful for these experiences and emotions, but for now I remain in a level of pain. Yes, that's the way to describe the state I am in: One of pain. I thought that was an exaggeration, and it may be, but I am hurting right now and can't seem to find the treatment or medication to numb the pain and heal the wound. Perhaps, tomorrow?
Enough ramblings... I am finished and shall desist until dawn.
P.S. My life right now could be a Provo version of The Hills? Who needs Lauren when you have the life of Linze? Yea. I should be getting paid for waking up each day... :)
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Bating me to choose a side.
Numb to the voices inside my head,
Though other voices invade my perception.
Weightless pressure captures each breath
Making a decision that's life of death...
Life to a friendship to bloom into more
Death to a friendship that fades from before.
There always seems to be reason to allow for one more chance...
Images painted in my mind
Give me hope and determination
En graven memories create only one side to every story
Help me see which line to cross
To see which path is in my creation
We need to look past potential and could-have-beens,
And cling to what is now and can be.
Help me see which line to cross, which life to chose...
- Linze Struiksma (copyright)
I feel eternally torn - yes, eternally. Even if I know that in the eternal perspective it could have nothing to do with my path, I also know my life's decisions right now could have EVERYTHING to do with eternity. When you grow up, life gets much more complicated than it needs to me because of indecision and fear. I have lived my life trying to be fearless, and now with each decision I am making I feel a bit of second-guess work creeping into my heart.
I know I am not eternally torn, and yet I feel that way right now. Tonight. It is interesting to me how much weight lies within the choices and feelings that we have during this time in our lives. It's simply crazy to me... I know I am capable of and trusted to make amazing and inspired decisions at this point in my life, but that doesn't mean they will be made easier - and they are not being made easier in my life. I'm waiting to know in my mind and in my heart what course of action to take with each step I take.
Side-note: Life really is fabulous! I am doing so well with things... I didn't hear back today from the Energy Solutions Arena and so I'm not sure what to think because I thought I would. If I don't hear by Monday than I need to start looking other places because my chances just shot way down. I hope I hear tomorrow... Hm. Things are so hard right now... I just wanna be working a full-time job that I love and am passionate about... Something that I would be awesome at, and continue to grow from while doing things that I enjoy.
I am just having a tough time with making the transition right now from college kid, to working adult. I feel like I don't really belong anywhere anymore, and I just wanna feel acceptance and love from something familiar. I really am loving life though and having a great time with family and friends - no worry there. :)
Thursday, August 28, 2008
I applied for a job at the Energy Solutions Arena - I can't really call it that yet... It is still The Delta Center to me. Haha! Anyway, the Director of VIP Services is a family friend, and I emailed about potential job opportunities a week or so ago. This week he emailed me back an official "you're through to round #2" desk letter for the position of VIP Service Manager - working directly under him. The job would consist of me working all of the Jazz and Blaze games, the concerts and all events... Pretty much, it would be my DREAM JOB! (I did use those words when I answered the return questions - haha!) I love events planning, coordinating, production, and just working these events. It really would be PERFECT for my situation right now and I would LOVE this job, and work SO hard! I could learn so much... Keep your fingers crossed for me! :)
Otherwise, Disneyland with 70+ counselors was last week... and it was AMAZING! I had such a great time with new and old friends from this and past summers of work. Plus, I got one WICKED farmers tan! Haha... I will put a few pictures on here for ya'll to check out!
Can I just say that the show at Disneyland entitled Fantasmic! is incredible? I mean, I have seen it so many times and each time I get emotional - me, I know - and I feel so inspired to reach for my dreams. Everyone who was watching it with me kept looking at me and seeing me wear a smile bigger than a five year olds watching the show. I live to believe as that show demands you to believe... If you have never seen it, make a literal GOAL to go spend time getting descent seats and watching the show on one of the evenings next time you go to Disneyland. I am assuming they have the same or a similar show in DisneyWorld as well... Go see it and watch your confidence and hope grow ten fold.
Well, here are some pictures below. I will write again later this weekend about my feelings regarding my initial statement in this post... I want to think about how to word things to make my feelings appear well thought-out and cohesive. For now, enjoy a little Disneyland love! :)
These two pictures are me and my AWESOME
Disneyland roommates, Melody, Sam, and Sarah!
Pretty much, we are just super HOT!
This is our little crew in Disneyland with Mickey! It was the morning of our second day and ALL the characters were just chillin' outside for us all to take photos with. That morning, we were cheering so much for them, the Disneyland Dream Squad (blue employee shirts) made us the "Honorary Dream Squad" for the week - Booyah!
This is a big group of us in Disneyland's California Adventure Theme Park on Thursday! We had SUCH a blast on Screamin', Grizzly, Toy Story, Soarin', and my personal favorite Tower of Terror!
This is our second ride of the trip, Indiana Jones! I begged to be the driver because it is SO fun to overreact to everything!
The picture above that is our little group acting crazy in a "ball of bones" on pirate's island!
These last two pictures (I could post SOOOOO many more! Haha!) are some faves! On the left is me and Mr.Toad before my wild and superior ride to Hades with him, Donny, and Sam - haha! It's in the little kiddie rides and one my open favorites in the whole park! On the right is me and Turell in front of the giant Mr.Potato Head - who called me a hockey puck! Haha... We are in front of the new Toy Story ride in California Adventure, and in the words of Turell, "I LOVE THIS RIDE!"
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Let the short rant begin...
Leggings were a staple for women IN THE 80s! The 80s are done, and leggings died with the years. Let's just be honest, they are a way to dress an outfit down to me, and just look tacky - not ugly, but tacky. Disclaimer: That does not mean if YOU have worn them in my presence I have thought, "She is so tacky!" On the contrary, I have grown numb to them when my friends are the ones wearing them. It is simply when I am forced to look at them - like my EFY weeks at times - and when I see celebrities wearing them with an outfit that makes no sense.
Also, leggings are simply tight fabric squeezing your legs... It is the same as your leg to me, and some people use it as an excuse to wear nothing below... My opinion... The end.
On a similar topic, let me simply state that the fashion world is insane. Yes, I said it - insane. I mean, I get some of BEST ideas from watching world fashion, but also so some of the UGLIEST things on individuals because they are "in fashion." Recent Trends...
Who wants to wear a short little "bag" on their body as a dress? Not me.
On the other hand, who wants to wear clothing SO tight that is shows ALL your curves? Not me. I mean, I wanna show the good ones, but not my little tummy... and almost EVERYONE nowadays has a little tummy. The girl below is like a size eight and has this problem... enough said - we all have that problem... Unless you have Britney Spear's stomach from 1998.
Thank you photo shop for making the world think most women actually have perfect bodies. Nice try - I am not so easily fooled.
I am done with my "Fashion Statement" and so I am ending this entry... It may have appeared a mindless rant or vindication for myself not to follow this fashion trend, but I wanted to state the opinion for some reason. I get these random spurts of passion over the most bizzare things, and so... so be it.
Leggings + Linze = A huge no go!
Thursday, August 14, 2008
I made a decision about myself in the last few weeks of EFY, and it might sound horrible, but it is how I feel. My last session director talked with me a lot about dating and relationships - I've been interested in one guy for a long while on and off, and was thinking about trying to take it to another level. Then, I realized that the next level is working toward a relationship leading to marriage...
I'm not ready.
I know that a lot of girls my age, especially ones in Utah, are hungry for marriage and I know that it IS a commandment in its own due time. However, I'm not wanting to be involved in that way right now with another individual. Call me selfish, but I want some me time. I want a few years to discover life a bit more... I'm not still "trying to find myself," because I feel confident in who I am and who I am becoming with each day or experience. I just want time to play and see more of the world... Travel, work, meet people, perform, have new experiences, and grow...
Maybe it comes down to I haven't met someone yet that makes me want to settle down and focus on another individual. There was a time when I truly thought that I had met that person... but I haven't. Not yet... In the future I'll meet him, or discover I feel that way if I already have met him. For now, I am quite content in being young, unattached, and a dreamer. Dare to dream BIG, right?
That's what I am doing... Dreaming BIG.
How ironic that I say "Dream BIG," and yet I remain unable fall asleep... :)
Drips upon the pages of my once forgotten history,
Remaining ever more as stains.
Stains that form the words I speak and feelings that encompass my being.
Yearning for a time in which my eyes will close,
Yet dreading it still...
Hoping for my chance to see the sunrise.
The sun has risen - peace.
Eyelids shutter to a close...
Now, don't be a hater when I saw I've been watching episodes of The Hills and seeing soooooo many shots of the LA skyline and buildings... OH! I wanna work in that city and live there SO bad! Not for forever, but someday for a time... I love that city so much and each time I visit I feel more and more drawn to return. I love, love, LOVE the city... and I love, love, LOVE LA... We'll see I guess! I'm thinking, work in SLC for a year, go to LA and work there for a year, and then going back to grad school. I don't know where I wanna go for grad school, but I wanna know exactly what I want to do before I spend money to hit up grad school. Who knows, perhaps I will work for a place that will pay for me to go to grad school! :) THAT would be awesome...
P.S. I am almost over pneumonia and feeling a lot better... In fact, next week I will be in my beloved city for a trip to Disneyland - three days in the magical kingdom, and hoping to be a few moments in the downtown of my beloved city. YES! :)
Tomorrow = Job Application Time.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
However, I do leave in a week and a half for New York City for auditions and need to have full voice by then. Oh, did I not share that yet??? I was unable to audition in SLC for American Idol, so Jan and I are flying back East for a vacation and so that I can audition for AI back there. I know that chances are less than 1% and I might not have the perfect "look," but if they are looking for a great voice and killer personality, with a pretty face... They've got it in me! We'll see, I guess, but I feel good about auditioning there in NY and am excited to head back East for a few weeks.
I am going to start looking for jobs out here pretty soon and back in LA and just see what comes my way over the next month... I was SET on LA and now I'm thinking of working here for a few months and then moving to LA... I still have no idea what I really want to do yet, other than make music... and that I truly love the city! I really miss living in a city!
As I ponder over the past few weeks I remain confused about where I need to be for a plethora of reasons... One, I'm not sure where I WANT to be. Two, I can not seem to decide what exactly I want to do - PR, production, etc... Three, there is a boy in the mix that I did not expect to show his face in my life yet. Regarding the final reason, there is nothing serious established, but I care about him and he cares about me... I can not pin-point what he wants out of our relationship/friendship, but we are both submitting signs to some extent and this new development makes me rethink things from time to time. I will not make a decision based on another person until they are my husband or future husband, but I will also not dismiss my feelings at this current state of our relationship. Hmph.
I've started to write song lyrics once more, and Melody has offered to help me write music for them... My brother could also do that, and I think I want to take that offer and run with it. I watched the movie, "Music&Lyrics" the other day too and it inspired me a little bit... It oddly gave me a reality check at the same time as encoring me to go for my dreams. I am so tried of fear - why not chase everything I've ever wanted??? I would love to put some demos together. I would love to head to LA with some demos under my belt and one of the lady's in my ward has a recording studio she will give me ridiculously cheap prices for if I want to record a little summin' summin'... I'm really diggin' that idea.
Monday, June 30, 2008
This is my group who drove across country and our friends Tyson and Heather who we randomly met up with outside of the Nokia Theater after the final results show...
This is Chad - my best American Idol buddy! He's holding our beloved sign that we made saying "David vs. Goliath." It had both David's next to "David" and Simon Cowell next to "Goliath" - classic!
This is me and Britt working that red carpet outside of the Nokia!
Here is Sister Archuleta... Yes, I called her that! Haha... She was the sweetest woman - gave me a big hug and everything - tender!
Here is us with Daniel Archuleta, David's little bro... I was thanking him for his public example and the example of his whole family, not just David, and he was all, "Can I just hug you?" It was so cute! Then, we took pictures with our cameras of each other - what a genuinely sweet kid?
To catch up, first: The American Idol Finale was AH-MAE-ZING!!! I have never had a such a fun trip and met so many amazing people. I was able to go with my friends Britt, Kevin, and Chad to LA and meet up with Kory and his sister Ashley while there. It was SO fun! We had tickets for Tuesday night and the Tuesday dress rehearsal, which was incredible. Both David Cook and David Archuleta did very well, but David A's voice was like BUTTA on Tuesday night! He kicked TRASH that night and really brought it to the table that night... seeing him live was AMAZING!
Wednesday night we did not have tickets, but we tried to get in on Wednesday morning anyway... and after the car sent me to flirt it up and ask about tickets, we did get in on Wednesday night just barely and had fairly decent seats at that. It was great! The show was so unbelievable - I can't believe all of the people I got to see perform live and how amazing everyone was live... Oh, it was SOOOOO good!!!
We met some of the stars, including getting our picture with Jason and Ramiele... so classic! The coolest experience though, was meeting David Archuleta's family outside of the show right after the results had been announced. I saw his little brother and walked right over to him. I thanked him for being such a good example and told him that I was LDS too, and really appreciated his whole family. He was so cute and asked for a hug, which I said of course too, and then we both got pictures together. Then, I met his mom and told her the same thing I told Daniel. She hugged me and was so appreciative. It was really neat...
Last, we had been outside of the show for about an hour when David's dad walked out and Chad and I decided to go talk with him. He talked with me and Chad for about twenty minutes! He shared a lot of personal experiences with us and we talked for a bit about the gospel... He said, "It is so nice to be able to talk about this side of the experience with a select few, because we can't with the media..." It was flattering to be one of the 'select few' and talk about where David is with the gospel and the many emails/letters they received about people who were investigating the church because of David's example and spirit. It was sooooo cool!
After that experience I came home to begin working for EFY the following week. It has literally been the most AMAZING experience. The entirety of my summer has really been spiritually rejuvenating for me and my testimony... It has been incredible. Being a BC for EFY has taught me more about being a leader, teacher, future parent, friend, and example than any other job could teach me. I have had some amazing experiences with the youth, counselors, and the rest of my BC/FC team. I LOVE my team!!! They are incredible... I could not ask for a better group of boys and girls to learn from and become close with. They all inspire me in different ways and help me to desire being better. I love being around them, talking with them... AND, I love jamming out with them since most of us are so musical... It is so much fun making music with them - esp. Mel and Ben! We all fit sooooo well together, and I love it...
Gosh, I love music. I'm still planning on trying out for American Idol, but it'll be tricky with it being during an EFY week when they come here. I'm trying to work it, but I'm just gonna have to be flexible and maybe go somewhere else... we'll see! I really would LOVE to audition though... Even if it is a one in a million shot at making it in, and simply a lot of luck. Heavenly Father has to really desire for you to be there at that time, but he knows it would be a dream come true for me.... again, we'll see!
Ideas on songs for me to sing? I have some ideas, but I have to narrow it down this week...
Ideas: "Listen" from Dreamgirls, "Hero" by Mariah Carey, "Open Arms" by Journey, "When I Fall in Love" by Celine Dion, "I'm Holding Out For a Hero" by Bonnie Tyler, "Everytime We Touch" by Cascada (candlelight version...) I DON'T KNOW! Haha...