Sunday, September 7, 2008

Tower of Babel and Dreams...

Disclaimer/Complete Claimer: Before you read these next few sections of thoughts, ramblings, and decisions just be aware that my emotions are on heightened sensitivity as of late. All the words below may not make sense or may appear over dramatized... They are, and I am not ashamed this entry is such.

I have not dreamed this much while I sleep in years. My mind is constantly running, and is simultaneously on high alert - ready to strike the first intruder who is not welcomed within each dream or thought. Each morning I awake, still tired from the never-ending tumult inside of my private dreams...

I feel as though these dreams aren't private either. Each day I feel as though my thoughts, emotions, and dreams are being broadcast to those around me with each encounter. A piece of this is my fault, as I have been so open with my thoughts and feelings when speaking with new and old friends. However, these people don't see my "dreams." They just hear my in cohesive babel related to relationships, jobs, family, and my many "encounters."

Here is how I feel, right now, this moment. I feel scared, lonely, tired, drained, confused, elated, hopeful, happy, angry, frustrated, discontent, thoughtful, half-baked, wanting, lost... I feel SO many mixed emotions, I have ceased having the ability to make any clear decisions. I wish I could explain in means that were intelligible... Right now, I am describing my feelings as clear as mud. Well, the mud is getting thicker and stickier, and I'm slowly sinking...

It boils down to this. I can not seem to gain a new future or let go of the past. I can not seem to
live for tomorrow, but am constantly in the future or the past... I am filled with worry and doubt, and that is not a very "Linze" thing to feel. Everyone turns to me for strength and understanding... Not this time. Who do I turn to?

Heavenly Father, of course... and yet, I feel as though he has given me the reins on this one and now I am lost in the desert with only a dying horse to guide me back... I have to choose the paths, and he wants me to learn from each dead end and round-about I encounter.

One day I will look back and be overwhelmingly grateful for these experiences and emotions, but for now I remain in a level of pain. Yes, that's the way to describe the state I am in: One of pain. I thought that was an exaggeration, and it may be, but I am hurting right now and can't seem to find the treatment or medication to numb the pain and heal the wound. Perhaps, tomorrow?

Enough ramblings... I am finished and shall desist until dawn.


P.S. My life right now could be a Provo version of The Hills? Who needs Lauren when you have the life of Linze? Yea. I should be getting paid for waking up each day... :)

1 comment:

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