Thursday, August 14, 2008

Dreams from an Insomniac!

So, here I sit at 4 in the morning and have the worst insomnia EVER. I have been going to bed kind of late anyway, but these past few days I just haven't been tired at all and I find myself just praying that I will be able to fall asleep. I've made a lot of big decisions these past few days and perhaps that is what is keeping me up to an extent... I decided to work at least a semester, if not a full year, here in SLC (hopefully the Delta Center or a PR/Events Planning Firm) until I have enough money to go elsewhere. That means a full-time job and living with my parents until I have enough to really live on my own as a start. I'm a little nervous about living with the family, not because I don't love them or even like being with them - they are the BEST, but I have been on my own for awhile and to come back is weird. Plus, I like being independent...

I made a decision about myself in the last few weeks of EFY, and it might sound horrible, but it is how I feel. My last session director talked with me a lot about dating and relationships - I've been interested in one guy for a long while on and off, and was thinking about trying to take it to another level. Then, I realized that the next level is working toward a relationship leading to marriage...

I'm not ready.

I know that a lot of girls my age, especially ones in Utah, are hungry for marriage and I know that it IS a commandment in its own due time. However, I'm not wanting to be involved in that way right now with another individual. Call me selfish, but I want some me time. I want a few years to discover life a bit more... I'm not still "trying to find myself," because I feel confident in who I am and who I am becoming with each day or experience. I just want time to play and see more of the world... Travel, work, meet people, perform, have new experiences, and grow...

Maybe it comes down to I haven't met someone yet that makes me want to settle down and focus on another individual. There was a time when I truly thought that I had met that person... but I haven't. Not yet... In the future I'll meet him, or discover I feel that way if I already have met him. For now, I am quite content in being young, unattached, and a dreamer. Dare to dream BIG, right?

That's what I am doing... Dreaming BIG.

How ironic that I say "Dream BIG," and yet I remain unable fall asleep... :)

The thoughtful poetry of an insomniac
Drips upon the pages of my once forgotten history,
Remaining ever more as stains.
Stains that form the words I speak and feelings that encompass my being.
Yearning for a time in which my eyes will close,
Yet dreading it still...
Hoping for my chance to see the sunrise.
The sun has risen - peace.
Eyelids shutter to a close...
- LinzeKate

Now, don't be a hater when I saw I've been watching episodes of The Hills and seeing soooooo many shots of the LA skyline and buildings... OH! I wanna work in that city and live there SO bad! Not for forever, but someday for a time... I love that city so much and each time I visit I feel more and more drawn to return. I love, love, LOVE the city... and I love, love, LOVE LA... We'll see I guess! I'm thinking, work in SLC for a year, go to LA and work there for a year, and then going back to grad school. I don't know where I wanna go for grad school, but I wanna know exactly what I want to do before I spend money to hit up grad school. Who knows, perhaps I will work for a place that will pay for me to go to grad school! :) THAT would be awesome...


P.S. I am almost over pneumonia and feeling a lot better... In fact, next week I will be in my beloved city for a trip to Disneyland - three days in the magical kingdom, and hoping to be a few moments in the downtown of my beloved city. YES! :)

Tomorrow = Job Application Time.


Team Carter said...

i LOVE the Hills...even though I almost never get to watch it because we're on BYU cable. funny that i find that show addicting and yet it basically consist of just watching LC eat lunch with random friends and text people. UGH for job applications. that's what i'm doing right now. it's NOT fun. love you!

Tyler said...

Woohoo you are staying in SLC! Then maybe I will get to see you every now and then. You will have to call me when you come down to P-town.

I hope you get over the insomnia thing. I've never had that before, but I'm sure it completely sucks. But you are hardcore and you will survive. Oh as long as you know how to love I know you'll stay alive.