Dreaming Big Hurts...

My entire life, all I've ever really wanted to do is sing. When I was in seventh grade I remember singing on the playground while playing basketball at lunch. One of the girls I hung out with got frustrated with me and said, "Do you EVER stop singing? Don't you ever just want to be quiet?" I was beating her at half-court two on two, and I told myself that was why she was frustrated... Then I began to think that maybe I did sing all the time - and I did. I was always humming at school in the halls and class. I was singing at recess, in the shower, car, walking home, my room... humming again at the dinner table. I have always been obsessed with music and making music. Nothing makes me happier... nothing.

When I get angry or upset, I know that if I listen to music (even "angry music") I will automatically begin to feel better and release the inner/outer tension. When I lived in Oregon I got into a huge argument with my father once and was SO angry. I went outside with my diskman and listened to Linkin Park for twenty minutes... Though the problem was still there, I was calm. Music soothes my soul and bring my pure contentment.

I have really felt like a failure lately at a lot of things... Everything I touch seems to run away from me. I don't have a job still and I'm no longer going to school. I'm not dating anyone and I'm not losing the weight I would like to be losing. I have way to much time to "dwell" and not enough positive thinking around me to dwell upon. I feel like an ultimate failure... To add to the mix, for the past three months I have spent an overwhelming amount of time sick, and I have been unable to fully sing. Before I was even sick I was having problems with my voice... I have an appointment with an ear, nose, and throat doctor up in Murry and I'm nervous there is some sort of damage there... I just want my voice back and I would feel SO much better.

I feel like Heavenly Father is trying me in every way possible. I'm up for the challenge - just not today.

Today in Relief Society one of the counselors said, "It's okay, to not be okay... It's okay to let your walls down and be vulnerable. Start being more real and stop holding back..." She said this to everyone, but I felt like it was aimed to me through the spirit. Each day I'm a fortress, but today I'm an open field... I'm a immovable target for emotional distress. I can't really hold back anymore.

I'm worried. I'm worried about money and success. I'm worried about never doing what I really love and want to do.

I know that worry is a "lack of faith," but... here I sit, worried. Trying with ALL my being to have faith, and losing faith in myself... I guess that is the tricky part. Heavenly Father says have faith, but it is more than faith in him. It is faith in our own being - his child and creation. I am usually so confident, but I feel none of that confidence right now.


You know, they tell you in children's books to "dream big" - they also tell you this at EFY... (*enter sarcastic smile here*) However, sometimes it is hard to be the big dreamer. I know what I want and have always wanted to do. Yet, when you are not measuring up and have gone back and forth with these dreams, then you lose so much hope and faith in yourself. You start to believe that dreams don't come true and you will never be good enough. You start to see why everyone else is so much better than you... so much smarter than you, more qualified... so much prettier than you.

I know I'm suppose to be little miss strong... Linze - the girl who is always an optimist. I usually am, that's true... not today. Today, life is allowed to just SUCK a little.

All I really want to do is make music and perform... Really, that is ALL I want. Yes, I would love to "be an event planner and maybe a teacher when I'm older" - the classic things I say. However, what do I really want? I want to sing. I want to be my own symphony. I've been writing lyrics a lot lately, and getting better at it... but what does that really do. I need songs here and now and I need to be out there... I also need the money from a job to do that.

Do you know why I really want a job? Well, other than to add to society & my home's income and to not be bored.... I want to make enough money that I can pay off stupid debts and then travel around LA trying to sing for a living. I know. "Really Linze? Really?" That is what you're thinking... YES. REALLY.

I want to have family and be happily married in the temple someday, but first I wanna be out there living the dream... and just like everything else, all I can say is: We'll See.

Will tomorrow be a better day? We'll See.

*muah*