First, I vent. I HATE when I people take over my projects when I really want to do them. I attribute this annoyance of mine to my mother. She would get frustrated when she would be cooking and I would come in and start "helping." I use to be so confused by her frustration. "This is my time to release stress and I want to make sure it is done right," she would say. I understand that now. I need to have projects that are "me time" and something I accomplish.
However, I vow never to shun my children from the kitchen because I recall one day saying to my mother, "If
you don't take the time to teach me though, I will never learn." I sometimes want to do things so badly for myself, or by myself, that I remove the opportunity others could have to serve, learn, and grow... Okay, okay.
I am frustrated with a few things right now, and here they are (in no particular order): Bad habits, lacking personal space already - already feeling caved in a bit, no life plan, fear of future, fear of self, outer beauty -or lack there of, mucus - I am
still sick, feeling alone - not having anyone on this earth who understands. Allow me a moment of pessimism: I
KNOW that the Savior understands how I feels and loves me... I
know it. Sometimes I just need someone who is tangible, at this moment in time, for me to talk to who has felt the same way.
Danielle's comment (she was just trying to help): "I can tell from your tone you have amazing strength and faith... but I can tell how lonely you must be." That barely skims the surface.
Private tears...
Ventation completed.
Second, I express my thanks. I love and am thankful for many things... and I really need to make a "Thankful List." I shall begin, now:
Family - good friends - my musical ability - eyeliner - beautiful mountains - green trees - fresh air - cool nights - amazing art - cows/milk - colors - lotion - dance parties - good smells - rain - singing - dancing - hip hop music - soft, slow songs - private tears - warm showers - blankets - modern transportation - diversity - smiling - religion, my knowledge of the gospel - modern day prophets - hair, my ability to do hair - massages... It's been awhile - Hollywood & Broadway, there are love/hate relationships - theater and movies - animals - guitars - cell phones - medicine - a roof over my head - reflective moments - deep conversation - jokes - laughing - fall - sports, football more than anything - pictures - wheat thins - bras, really I am - quote boards - journals (BoM: need I say more) - sparkling shoes - slippers - running water - music - the moments I understand something new - when I finally get a good joke - a good book - amusement parks - a quiet night, filled with talking and listening to soft music (probably one of my favorite things) - duffel bags - deep breathing - "love you" - space - nature - lacy underwear, can I say that? - fresh flowers - graduation, and gradation money (haha) - cute skirts - when my legs are tan - getting a new mixed CD, and making one for a friend - polka dots and stripes - American Idol, I am not ashamed of my AI addiction - reality TV... like, The Hills? Yes. - cool bed sheets - snowflakes - the temple, and that the Draper temple will be right next to my home - spontaneity, especially planned spontaneity - shade shirts - dancing to girlie pop songs - BYU Cougar Pride - Philly and San Diego sports teams - Virginia/C-ville Pride - Diet Coke - ice cream - having goals in life, and having parents who taught me to have goals in life - word slips - big sexy hair spray - flat irons - stickers - jewelry sets - political debates - The Glenn Beck Show - when a friend succeeds at something - taking a nap - EFY counseling - playing spider solitaire late at night - that I passed Stats - camping - that my family lives close to me - that I have had the opportunity to travel a lot - boating with friends - a wireless connection - scissors - creating something crafty, like scrapbooking - that our culture shaves their legs - moments of clarification - that I am constantly learning new things - sweat pants - using the dot, dot, dot when writing letters or in journals - flats, I like heels, but let's be honest - blessings and agency, even if things get frustrating sometimes.
There is more... but for now, that will suffice. I love life and am excited to be graduated and done with college, but am nervous. I have no idea what next year holds, which is half exciting and half scary as heck. I need to feel security - I don't like feeling vulnerable... and that's how I feel right now. I actually, feel naked in the middle of times square right now... really.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote from Graduation: "I never thought I would hear the words 'fluffy, bunny creature' at my graduation... but I did." - Me.
This quote comes from during convocation when one of the speakers showed a weird anime clip where two girls screamed with joy as they jumped and help to a giant, flying bunny. Then, the speaker talked about their "fluffy, bunny creature" and the girl's courage with him... It was bizarre... I was kinda thinking, "Why the
HECK is this chick speaking at my graduation? Diploma, please."
I guess it only got more "theatrical" as some people danced across the stage to receive their diploma and I "brushed my shoulders off," literally. I really loved the laid-back feel of the ceremony, but I also came to a realization that I have dramatically (good word choice) changed since I started here at BYU. I also realized that I WILL be going to grad school... It is something that I need to do at some point in my life. Right now though, I am excited/nervous/anxious/completely-unknowing about the next stage of my life. Haha... I need to make a mission statement for my life... Perhaps that will be my next entry.
*muah*
This is some of the Bakersfield's crew with me at one of the many Men's Volleyball games we attended this semester! This is the first year we didn't get to travel to Cali to see them play - sad day!
This is me and some of my closest friends at the National DanceSport competitions held here at BYU - How blessed can you be to be able to see some of the BEST dancers in the WORLD come here to compete?! Yea... pretty darn lucky.
