Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Drops of Ventful Gratitude

First, I vent. I HATE when I people take over my projects when I really want to do them. I attribute this annoyance of mine to my mother. She would get frustrated when she would be cooking and I would come in and start "helping." I use to be so confused by her frustration. "This is my time to release stress and I want to make sure it is done right," she would say. I understand that now. I need to have projects that are "me time" and something I accomplish.

However, I vow never to shun my children from the kitchen because I recall one day saying to my mother, "If you don't take the time to teach me though, I will never learn." I sometimes want to do things so badly for myself, or by myself, that I remove the opportunity others could have to serve, learn, and grow... Okay, okay.

I am frustrated with a few things right now, and here they are (in no particular order): Bad habits, lacking personal space already - already feeling caved in a bit, no life plan, fear of future, fear of self, outer beauty -or lack there of, mucus - I am still sick, feeling alone - not having anyone on this earth who understands. Allow me a moment of pessimism: I KNOW that the Savior understands how I feels and loves me... I know it. Sometimes I just need someone who is tangible, at this moment in time, for me to talk to who has felt the same way.

Danielle's comment (she was just trying to help): "I can tell from your tone you have amazing strength and faith... but I can tell how lonely you must be." That barely skims the surface.

Private tears...

Ventation completed.

Second, I express my thanks. I love and am thankful for many things... and I really need to make a "Thankful List." I shall begin, now:

Family - good friends - my musical ability - eyeliner - beautiful mountains - green trees - fresh air - cool nights - amazing art - cows/milk - colors - lotion - dance parties - good smells - rain - singing - dancing - hip hop music - soft, slow songs - private tears - warm showers - blankets - modern transportation - diversity - smiling - religion, my knowledge of the gospel - modern day prophets - hair, my ability to do hair - massages... It's been awhile - Hollywood & Broadway, there are love/hate relationships - theater and movies - animals - guitars - cell phones - medicine - a roof over my head - reflective moments - deep conversation - jokes - laughing - fall - sports, football more than anything - pictures - wheat thins - bras, really I am - quote boards - journals (BoM: need I say more) - sparkling shoes - slippers - running water - music - the moments I understand something new - when I finally get a good joke - a good book - amusement parks - a quiet night, filled with talking and listening to soft music (probably one of my favorite things) - duffel bags - deep breathing - "love you" - space - nature - lacy underwear, can I say that? - fresh flowers - graduation, and gradation money (haha) - cute skirts - when my legs are tan - getting a new mixed CD, and making one for a friend - polka dots and stripes - American Idol, I am not ashamed of my AI addiction - reality TV... like, The Hills? Yes. - cool bed sheets - snowflakes - the temple, and that the Draper temple will be right next to my home - spontaneity, especially planned spontaneity - shade shirts - dancing to girlie pop songs - BYU Cougar Pride - Philly and San Diego sports teams - Virginia/C-ville Pride - Diet Coke - ice cream - having goals in life, and having parents who taught me to have goals in life - word slips - big sexy hair spray - flat irons - stickers - jewelry sets - political debates - The Glenn Beck Show - when a friend succeeds at something - taking a nap - EFY counseling - playing spider solitaire late at night - that I passed Stats - camping - that my family lives close to me - that I have had the opportunity to travel a lot - boating with friends - a wireless connection - scissors - creating something crafty, like scrapbooking - that our culture shaves their legs - moments of clarification - that I am constantly learning new things - sweat pants - using the dot, dot, dot when writing letters or in journals - flats, I like heels, but let's be honest - blessings and agency, even if things get frustrating sometimes.

There is more... but for now, that will suffice. I love life and am excited to be graduated and done with college, but am nervous. I have no idea what next year holds, which is half exciting and half scary as heck. I need to feel security - I don't like feeling vulnerable... and that's how I feel right now. I actually, feel naked in the middle of times square right now... really.


Quote from Graduation: "I never thought I would hear the words 'fluffy, bunny creature' at my graduation... but I did." - Me.

This quote comes from during convocation when one of the speakers showed a weird anime clip where two girls screamed with joy as they jumped and help to a giant, flying bunny. Then, the speaker talked about their "fluffy, bunny creature" and the girl's courage with him... It was bizarre... I was kinda thinking, "Why the HECK is this chick speaking at my graduation? Diploma, please."

I guess it only got more "theatrical" as some people danced across the stage to receive their diploma and I "brushed my shoulders off," literally. I really loved the laid-back feel of the ceremony, but I also came to a realization that I have dramatically (good word choice) changed since I started here at BYU. I also realized that I WILL be going to grad school... It is something that I need to do at some point in my life. Right now though, I am excited/nervous/anxious/completely-unknowing about the next stage of my life. Haha... I need to make a mission statement for my life... Perhaps that will be my next entry.


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