Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Walking-Contradiction, or Just Human?

I have been thinking about the ways I am my own contradiction... and yet, how that is not necessarily a negative feature, at times. I am not sure how to address this topic, so I will be short in my thoughts.

I was talking with one of my friends about different events in my life and how I tend to become the focus of a conversation because I am loud and dominant. I'm a little crazy and I speak my mind - sometimes, I am even witty or funny! Sometimes... :) I don't mind that. I mean, I don't mind being the one in the spotlight for those reasons... I actually don't really even think about it or notice while it is taking place.

Next, when I am on stage... That's a literal spotlight for you! Haha... The focus is on me because it is meant to be. I am performing with the desire to be watched and listened to. I love those moments. I mean, I love those moments. I live to be heard - as we all do - and my desire to be heard is stronger when I am singing or acting. I am in the spotlight, and it's a positive thing, I think.

I also find the focus centered my way when I teach, but that's different. That's legit cause the students I am working with SHOULD be paying attention to my instructions, etc. Just a thought... Haha!

Then, there are the times when people call attention to me. It might be in a group when no one is focused on me or when attention is already on me... or, it might be in a more intimate setting when I am only with one other person. Either way, someone brings my name to the forefront or says something about me that brings all eyes or attention on me. My shoes become a little more interesting. The potato is to hot with all eyes on me and I pass it to someone else in the circle, and quickly. It's not that I am embarrassed - that isn't too common with me, cause I figure, 'that's life' - I just don't enjoy the attention. I know, I know... For someone who tends to draw attention to herself quite frequently that's bizzarre. Or, perhaps the reader believes this statement to be false...

It's true.

I was thinking about wedding toasts, for example. Now wait, hear me out! I was thinking about how I am going to enjoy what people say to me, but not in the way it is said. What do I mean? Well, nice things being said about me are much apprecaited and welcome. However, in a group setting it just feels like it should be more personal... and I don't want the attention there. Perhaps it will be better because I am with someone...

I remember the times that people would stand up on my birthday and say something they loved about me (seminary, family dinners, SHA, etc.) and I always greatly appreciated the words, but felt... not awkward... what's the word? It just felt like something personal in a generalized setting, and it felt misplaced. No, awkward might be correct. I guess I must admit that it is a bit awkward for me.

I would say that it is just a group setting that I feel this, but that would be a lie. When I'm with someone alone even, in a more intimate setting (not just lovey-dovey, either) it feels a touch awkward. If the focus is on me because I am just talking to someone or a group, and it happens to be on me at that moment - no sweat. However, if the focus is forced on me - even for a positive reason - it's a tad awkward. Not intimidating. Not unmeaningful. Perhaps, just a little awkward...

I think that everyone feels this way to some extent. I mean, I guess some people really love the spotlight all the time, and some people hate it all the time... For me, it's just a matter of circumstance.

There is no real point of this entry other than to record my current thoughts... I just wanted to document how I felt about the lime-light. There are times I long to be in it, times I am chill being a part of it, and times when the moment I am placed in the spotlight seems to drag on through eternity.

Today, I didn't even touch the limelight (as I stayed home finishing HP6), and that felt pretty nice too... :)


Song of the Day: I have grown obsessed with this song since someone performed it at the gig Ben and I had last weekend. It's by a girl names Sia (who I had only heard one song of hers previously), and the song is called, Soon We'll Be Found. It's an AMAZING song, and I have posted the music video below - It's way unique & creative... Love it. Enjoy!

Sia Soon We'll Be Found - Click here for more free videos

P.S. A Funny Quote from a friend's facebook - haha!:
We're humans. We live on land. Shark's live in the water. So, if you're swimming in the water and a shark bites you, that's called trespassing. That is called trespassing. That is not a shark attack. A shark attack is if you're chillin' at home, sittin' on the couch, and a shark comes in and bites you; now that's shark attack.



Adam R. said...

You're awesome...that's what you are! P.S. That quote is HILARIOUS!

TPlayer said...

I'm totally the same way. I have always felt liek it's so hard to explain. I always tell people I'm super shy and people who know me laugh at me. So then I usually clarify and say, I'm super shya round people I don't know and I only like attention, when I bring it upon myself. Linze, we should be real friends who do stuff besides read each other's blogs. I think we could haev fun times together.
PS... i love that Ben Bailey is in that picture. He's one of my faves!