The All-Unknowing

I'm not sure exactly what I want to say or why I am writing, other than that I feel I must do so. I'm feeling... ----insert word here--- today. Meaning, that I can not seem to figure out how I am feeling exactly. I am feeling somewhat pensive, somewhat unsurprised, and somewhat lost. It's a weird combination of canceling feelings. I wish that I could explain how helpless I am when it comes to making things happen in my life for myself. Every time that I seem to take a chance on something, it falters, and falls through... but falls through what?

I have lots of anxiety lately over making big decisions in my life. Every time I decide something, every one around me states their objection or utter approval, with no in between. You would think that this would be a positive thing, but... it makes it hard sometimes. Today in church, we had a questionnaire time with the stake presidency. Well, they were talking about marriage and missions and I asked, "What if you prayed and aren't suppose to go right now, but still want to go... should you ask again eventually?" They talked about that and then talked more about the possibilities of marriage. That's not here for me right now, and that's okay with me, really. However, everyone always makes it sound like this - It is either a mission or marriage. There is no other choice as important in a woman's life and those are the two things we should be deciding between. If we have no one to marry, we should be on a mission. If a mission is a "no," then we are probably getting married soon... I'm not getting married soon.

I know this ISN'T the way it is, but it feels that way. I feel like I'm doing something wrong because I'm not on a mission and not anywhere close to even ever dating someone seriously. I just don't get it. I'm not sure what to do anymore... I keep "figuring things out" and deciding things need to change or be done, but it doesn't change my circumstances and decisions. I stand alone and confused... still. I'm NOT going on a mission right now - and that's okay. However, I am not even dating anyone... and that's okay. Isn't it?

Why does everything that people say to me make me feel like it isn't?
Why do I still feel as though I am doing something WRONG... when I'm not?

I don't know as much as I thought I did.
*muah*

Splinter

There are two points to the story which hit me today... One, that I know everything happens in the Lord's own time, but still I struggle with understanding sometimes. Two, I am completely unsure as to if I am affecting the Lord's time when it comes to myself and relationships.

I know that the Lord knows me well beyond how well I even know myself, and that he knows when things will work out for me with school, careers, and relationships. He puts up road blocks for us to learn and grow from, but also helps us pass through or get around the blocks rather than just removing them so we do not learn anything. However, sometimes I think that I put up my own road blocks and Heavenly Father must often look down and think, "Gee. Thanks, Linze. I didn't have to do anything - you did it to yourself. Want my help now to get out of it?"

Two sets of lyrics struck me with this upcoming thought:

ONE: (August Rush)
Someday, someday
we’ll be together
someday, someday
we’ll be together
I heard someday
might be today
mysteries of destinies they
are somehow
and are someway
for all we know
they come tomorrow
for today

TWO: (Taylor Swift)
... And there he goes,
so perfectly,
The kind of flawless I wish I could be...
So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do
He's the time taken up, but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into..

Now, here is the thought: How am I not able to give my heart to anyone? In reality, I have cared about many people and others have cared about me in return. However, I have failed miserably at finding someone who has "enough of me to break my heart." I think at times I have felt a piece of that, and have truly loved some individuals with all my heart... but have still ceased to ever be "in love." I have ceased to find someone to give the entire heart to... Instead, I feel that my heart has never been shattered, but chipped away around the edges and has never had the opportunity given to paste those slivered fragments back into place with a "new, improved for me" glue.

How Long Will I Wait? (Felicia Sorenson)
If there were a hidden secret,
To show me the way to you -
Then I'd be the first to follow,
but how long would I wait for you?
I have been around this world,
living on my own.
And I have learned there's more to life,
then being alone...
There's a place inside my heart
that's meant for only you.
And everyday I know you're closer,
but how long will I wait for you?

I really am content for the most part in my continually single status, even though I am 22 and still do not know what it is like to be in love. However, there comes times, a few times today especially, where I realize that ALL of my friends are having or have had some success, and I am still failing miserably at the game. There was a quote in the movie I saw tonight, August Rush, where the main girl's best friend asks when the main girl will let herself be happy. Then she states, "I mean, after everyone has gone home..." I'm kind of like that sometimes. I always put on a happy face, because I really am happy for the most part, but never let onto the pain I feel in that I am always alone.

I have never felt the comfort of long arms wrapped around me and the words "I love you" spoken in that special moment. I am sure that someday I will, but perhaps I set up a road-block here and don't allow someone to have enough of my heart to truly break it. That is a SCARY thing... but being alone forever, is become far more petrifying.

*muah*
- Linze Kate

Passion

So, I was chatting with my friend Drew today and I realized that I have passions for everything! These passions come, and don't go, but shift in importance according to the time in my life. See, I was driving through Salt Lake after my Stats class at the Salt Lake Center and thought to myself, "I could live right here in this very square... It has the Temple (the most important thing to me) and the LDS Conference Center, the Delta Center for sporting events and concerts (entertainment right there), and the capital building, all in a few blocks from one another. What else do you need?" Haha! I was relating that story back to some friends in the SHA office, and stated that this created all of my greatest passions. Drew said, "Linze, that's pretty much EVERYTHING right there! What do you not hold a passion for?"

He's right. I love everything around me and switch in my passions according to what I am involved with or surrounded by at the time. I did ALWAYS hold a passion for music, and I love theater. However, my passion for theatrical experience was stronger when I began my major. Now, as I am heading into communications, my interests still include theater, but politics and leadership roles have come to the forefront in my life. When I am more involved in Cougar United, I am obsessed with sports... I enjoy them thoroughly now, but I'm not as passionate - you know? I wonder if others find their passions encompass a lot and shift a lot... eh!

I use to be that way with friends, but it has gotten a lot better for me. I no longer feel the need to shift and change my group of friends, but I still love meeting and getting to know new people. I think that this need for change and shifting comes from moving so much as a young child. Perhaps I felt that I couldn't hold to anything for too long because I would lose it anyway... If I didn't hold on too tight, then it won't hurt as bad when I have to sad good-bye. Do I do a similar thing with passions and interests? Hm.....

I was contemplating this as I drove to my actual home tonight. I think that this need to detach myself carries forth in romantic relationships. There is this deep-seeded fear I hold that if I grow too close to someone I will eventually have to let go, and giving myself fully (heart and soul) to another individual is scary enough without believing it won't last before it has even begun... I didn't realize that I felt this way until tonight... I thought I was okay with relationships. I think that now, I am just starting to be... It took me realizing it to start the process of surpassing that. Interesting...

Hands slip, hearts hold...
With you I understand what faith is.

*muah*

In Honor of Creation...

I have been holding off for quite a long time in creating an online blog. I have a journal at home that I write in regularly, so I figured that a blog was just another way to draw attention to myself and my feelings. This can be bad for two reasons... One, I already have a million sets of eyes penetrating my every move. I don't mean for it to be that way, and I don't hate the attention, but I don't need any more... especially if I ever choose to talk about my feelings. I kind of harbor issues of fear when it comes to expressing emotion. It is in now way to an unhealthy extent, but nonetheless, I hate to talk about how I feel... It must have developed from having three older brothers.

Regardless of the above, here I am writing in my SECOND blog in my life. Yes, I had one previous to now. I had a blog in High School that was somewhat well written, but childish... It is still out there somewhere, but I have no desire for anyone else to read it. Partly, for the reasons listed above... too much emotion was instilled in those pages from too long ago. I'll probably use this blog as an informative page along with my emotion, but I'm a lot different now... Haha! Somewhere with the mess, I somewhat grew up - weird. :)

So, here I am; a twenty-two year old about to graduate in Theater and English at BYU and loving every moment... I have been blessed with a lot of wonderful opportunities here and with some great friends. Blessings beyond reason for a girl like me...

Painting pictures,
The paint finally dried upon the canvas...
Nothing set in stone.
The picture ever changing,
Free to do so.
Freely scripted words flow through the picture,
Creating a unique form of art... a description.
A life.

*muah*