Splinter

There are two points to the story which hit me today... One, that I know everything happens in the Lord's own time, but still I struggle with understanding sometimes. Two, I am completely unsure as to if I am affecting the Lord's time when it comes to myself and relationships.

I know that the Lord knows me well beyond how well I even know myself, and that he knows when things will work out for me with school, careers, and relationships. He puts up road blocks for us to learn and grow from, but also helps us pass through or get around the blocks rather than just removing them so we do not learn anything. However, sometimes I think that I put up my own road blocks and Heavenly Father must often look down and think, "Gee. Thanks, Linze. I didn't have to do anything - you did it to yourself. Want my help now to get out of it?"

Two sets of lyrics struck me with this upcoming thought:

ONE: (August Rush)
Someday, someday
we’ll be together
someday, someday
we’ll be together
I heard someday
might be today
mysteries of destinies they
are somehow
and are someway
for all we know
they come tomorrow
for today

TWO: (Taylor Swift)
... And there he goes,
so perfectly,
The kind of flawless I wish I could be...
So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do
He's the time taken up, but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into..

Now, here is the thought: How am I not able to give my heart to anyone? In reality, I have cared about many people and others have cared about me in return. However, I have failed miserably at finding someone who has "enough of me to break my heart." I think at times I have felt a piece of that, and have truly loved some individuals with all my heart... but have still ceased to ever be "in love." I have ceased to find someone to give the entire heart to... Instead, I feel that my heart has never been shattered, but chipped away around the edges and has never had the opportunity given to paste those slivered fragments back into place with a "new, improved for me" glue.

How Long Will I Wait? (Felicia Sorenson)
If there were a hidden secret,
To show me the way to you -
Then I'd be the first to follow,
but how long would I wait for you?
I have been around this world,
living on my own.
And I have learned there's more to life,
then being alone...
There's a place inside my heart
that's meant for only you.
And everyday I know you're closer,
but how long will I wait for you?

I really am content for the most part in my continually single status, even though I am 22 and still do not know what it is like to be in love. However, there comes times, a few times today especially, where I realize that ALL of my friends are having or have had some success, and I am still failing miserably at the game. There was a quote in the movie I saw tonight, August Rush, where the main girl's best friend asks when the main girl will let herself be happy. Then she states, "I mean, after everyone has gone home..." I'm kind of like that sometimes. I always put on a happy face, because I really am happy for the most part, but never let onto the pain I feel in that I am always alone.

I have never felt the comfort of long arms wrapped around me and the words "I love you" spoken in that special moment. I am sure that someday I will, but perhaps I set up a road-block here and don't allow someone to have enough of my heart to truly break it. That is a SCARY thing... but being alone forever, is become far more petrifying.

*muah*
- Linze Kate