Sunday, January 27, 2008

The All-Unknowing

I'm not sure exactly what I want to say or why I am writing, other than that I feel I must do so. I'm feeling... ----insert word here--- today. Meaning, that I can not seem to figure out how I am feeling exactly. I am feeling somewhat pensive, somewhat unsurprised, and somewhat lost. It's a weird combination of canceling feelings. I wish that I could explain how helpless I am when it comes to making things happen in my life for myself. Every time that I seem to take a chance on something, it falters, and falls through... but falls through what?

I have lots of anxiety lately over making big decisions in my life. Every time I decide something, every one around me states their objection or utter approval, with no in between. You would think that this would be a positive thing, but... it makes it hard sometimes. Today in church, we had a questionnaire time with the stake presidency. Well, they were talking about marriage and missions and I asked, "What if you prayed and aren't suppose to go right now, but still want to go... should you ask again eventually?" They talked about that and then talked more about the possibilities of marriage. That's not here for me right now, and that's okay with me, really. However, everyone always makes it sound like this - It is either a mission or marriage. There is no other choice as important in a woman's life and those are the two things we should be deciding between. If we have no one to marry, we should be on a mission. If a mission is a "no," then we are probably getting married soon... I'm not getting married soon.

I know this ISN'T the way it is, but it feels that way. I feel like I'm doing something wrong because I'm not on a mission and not anywhere close to even ever dating someone seriously. I just don't get it. I'm not sure what to do anymore... I keep "figuring things out" and deciding things need to change or be done, but it doesn't change my circumstances and decisions. I stand alone and confused... still. I'm NOT going on a mission right now - and that's okay. However, I am not even dating anyone... and that's okay. Isn't it?

Why does everything that people say to me make me feel like it isn't?
Why do I still feel as though I am doing something WRONG... when I'm not?

I don't know as much as I thought I did.

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