And So It Goes... [Gettin' A Bit Personal]

Now, contrary to belief at the title... I am not writing about American Idol again. Yes, David Archuleta sang this song on Tuesday night and did an AMAZING job on a tough song. Yes, I might write after this entry about my feelings for the show tonight... However, right now I am actually writing about the experience I have with these moving lyrics...

I sang the song "And So It Goes" with my High School Show Choir. We were an all female choir and this particular piece was our one slow number in the entire routine for senior year competition... The first time our show choir from AHS had ever competed. So, needless to say my teacher was a bit concerned about the judges and how they would look at our slow piece - AHS's forte. I had never heard the song before, but I had just started getting in to Billy Joel's music and thought the song was pretty.

We worked the song to death! Our choir director, JMo, chose four of us (one on each part) to sing the beginning verse alone and I was the melody. I was so worried about sounding clear, removing vibrato, and remembering the words that I never really paid attention to the meaning behind what I was singing. JMo would tell us to "put more emotion into it" and so I made longing eyes at the crowd and diminished my smile to be in the air of "wanting." She told us what the song was about at the end of a long rehearsal, but we were all so exhausted we weren't really listening.

JMo sat the entire class down a few days before competition and said we sounded good on everything and had great energy... but when it came down to "And So It Goes," she knew that we had NO idea what this song was really about. Once again she talked intently upon what we were really expressing and said since most of us had not been in love at that age, to try and understand what the words meant and really imagine those feelings.

[Now, I'm about to get a little personal, so don't be a hater if it's a bit mushy/detailed or vague... Whatever it might be. It's not meant to be "gooey," but I'm assuming it will be...]

I went home that very night and thought about what it feels like to be rejected and quadrupled that emotion... Then, thought about hiding that away in my heart. This was one of the few times I let myself really ache over past events in my life. Reeling back over the past events of my life up to the end of my senior year, I had only ever had one "boyfriend" figure - right when I turned sixteen. He was a senior and I was a sophomore and we dated pretty quick after I reached the age I allowed to do so... People kinda knew what we were, but we kept it quiet because we were well known around the school and it was a smaller town. He was very attractive, funny, a a bit immature (he was only 17!), popular, LDS, and really into music like I was... I really liked the kid and he gave me every appropriate sign that he felt the same.

We dated for three months, and as prom drew closer I decided to make my dress to save money (my mom was awesome at sewing) and after a date, when he was dropping me off, I showed him the dress. He told me that night that he had wanted to talk to me about prom... He hadn't officially asked me, but I assumed it was a given. Well, he wanted to take a girl who wasn't very popular and had some disabilities because it was her senior year too and she might not have another chance to get asked. Very thoughtful.... right?

I decided to suck it up and be excited for the girl... and, to surprise my special guy by showing up to prom to steal a few dances when she was too tired.

The night of prom... Well, I'll make it short and sweet. He spent the entire night with his date - NOT the girl he had told me about, but a "friend" of ours from church. So, I (trying to act like I didn't care, and wanting to see how bad I'd been fooled) stayed, and hung out with friends there. He danced with her, held her close, and kissed her... all in front of me.

The next few weeks were spent with very tearful nights and me pretending throughout each day at school that I didn't care/we had never REALLY been official anyway. So many of my friends didn't understand because we had kept things DL, so I didn't bother talking to most of them, and my family was not an option because I didn't want them to hate him. As much as I wanted to hate him, I couldn't. I was hurt. I was crushed. I was broken... but I couldn't hate him.

The kicker: When I finally got the guts to ask him, "Why? Why her now, and not me?" He told me "I'm sorry... she's just so beautiful. She's prettier than you are..." Serious - that was our conversation.

When I finally sat down and contemplated the meaning behind, "And So It Goes," I was surprised to see my story and feelings unravel. It spoke of a sanctuary that each person emotionally goes to in order to keep your heart safe between each experience with a lover. When you chose to open up to another person, you choose to let them break into your SANCTUARY - the most secret, personal part of you. You take the chance of being exposed - you're vulnerable. This new individual sees ALL of you and if they chose to reject it, you have to climb back in, bruised and bleeding, to your personal and secluded sanctuary and attempt to heal before the entire process begins again.

In the song, the author finds someone he is opening his sanctuary too and appears to be terrified to do so, saying his silence about his feelings for her are protecting him... but he will give up that protection if it the cause for her not staying with him. Every time he had love it went wrong, and he hopes this one won't, yet dreads it will... However, because he loves this other person, he is giving his sanctuary/heart to her to what she desires with it. THAT is real courage right there.

Real courage that I have yet to have since my sanctuary was ransacked.

Over the years, I have gone on dates with numerous other boys and liked many other guys - some have even liked me back. I've been growing past that horrible experience and praying that no one would ever have to go through what I had been through. However, I have never found anyone to break through the little "sanctuary" inside of myself. I have concluded that there are a few reasons for this... One) Effort - It's hard to do... I keep it pretty tightly locked and very deep inside. Two) Time - It will take someone who is patient, and then at the right time, is willing to push me a bit... It will take making me slightly uncomfortable in the situation, but ultimately so flawlessly comfortable with the individual. Three) I have to be willing to open up and let others in... There may be more to it than that, but this is my current state of thought.

AND SO IT GOES
By: Billy Joel

In every heart there is a room...
A sanctuary safe and strong.
To heal the wounds from lovers past,
Until a new one comes along.

I spoke to you in cautious tones...
You answered me with no pretense.
And still I feel I said too much...
My silence is my self defense.

And every time I've held a rose,
It seems I only felt the thorns.
And so it goes, and so it goes...
And so will you soon I suppose.

But if my silence made you leave,
Then that would be my worst mistake.
So I will share this room with you,
And you can have this heart to break.

And this is why my eyes are closed...
It's just as well for all I've seen.
And so it goes, and so it goes...
And you're the only one who knows.

So I would choose to be with you.
That's if the choice were mine to make.
But you can make decisions too...
And you can have this heart to break.

And so it goes, and so it goes...
And you're the only one who knows...

At our Show Choir competition, I sang this song with greater conviction than any other girl on the stage... and then any solo I had ever performed. And so it does go... The cycle goes on and on, until the sanctuary no longer seems important to either side, so you give it away for keeps. And so it goes...

I just wanted to record that little piece of me and thank Billy Joel, all the way from Linze's little blog, for making a song that relates to EVERYONE. If you have never heard this amazing piece of music, stop reading right now, and Google it. NOW. It is an AMAZING experience just listening to each note and lyric intertwined...

*muah*

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The inspiration for this entry WAS David singing this song on AI - I admit it. It was an AMAZING rendition that he deserved ten times the credit he got for it. The arrangement and and way he sang with such emotion was, in the words of Simon, "master class." He made it to the finale show for this next week... a lot of pressure on a 17 year-old boy, but I think he will do brilliantly. He is so talented and I am SOOOO excited and blessed to be able to hear him again this next week as he goes for the title of American Idol 2008. Good Luck, David!

P.S. On a less touching note, I got amazing AI Tour tickets today with my pre-sale password and am SUPER stoked about it! I'm going with four boys, and no girls... hm... odd. Haha! It is going to be SUCH an amazing show - what a blast! :)

P.S.S. I'm still figuring things out, but I feel more confident in that life will work itself out... I'm excited for next year, but I have NO idea what I will be doing... none!