Thursday, December 22, 2011

How To Get Married

Today I was at the library with Eliza and stumbled across this:


How To Get Married - By: Me, The Bride!

Immediately I knew I had to get it... It must have all the answers!

Okay - in reality, I started literally laughing out loud and took a picture.  THEN, I sat down in the middle of the book aisle to read it... 

Yep.  It was exactly the kind of advice a girl needs to hear!  And, since it was SO good, I decided I would share my abundance of new-found knowledge on the subject.  I'm pretty much an expert now, realizing things I had never even thought about...

To start (and I'm quoting here), "When you want to get married, first find someone you can marry."  Smart advice.  I mean, you don't want to be a home-wrecker and try for someone already taken, or someone who is illegal.  Good idea.

She goes on to let us know all those we could marry - "...your best friend, your teacher (um - thankfully illegal in most states, so look back to rule #1), your pet (a bit weird, but okay...), or your daddy (again... legality issues?  Not in West VA.).  

Second step - "You can marry anyone you like!  Except they have to like you back."  That's the way it is written - and that's the kicker, ladies and gents.

Following those rules, the writer delves into what you actually have to DO to land a husband or wife.  She states, "... you have to be on your best behavior.  You can't be mean.  You have to be nice."  Here are things she lists as mean or inappropriate, in case you need a reference point to judge your actions against:

 - Gobbling up all the other person's candy and never offering any.  (I agree.  Ever seen Rush Hour?  They say "Never touch a black man's radio!"  I say, never touch a woman's chocolates!)
 - Picking your nose in front of them.  (Key words - in front of them. *It's gross - she was right.)
 - Pinching them.  (Debatable...)
 - Yawn when they are talking to you.  (I laughed a lot at this... a lot.)
 - Wear old PJs and slippers in mid-day.
 - Don't ever bathe.
 - Don't ever brush your hair and it looks like a bird's nest back there. (I would just like to say, "The back of your head is ridiculous!")
 - Dribble your dinner down your chin.

ALL valid points... these are real things to think about people.

The next point?  "Usually you're not allowed to marry lots of people at once.  Except sometimes you are."  I'm not going to even comment... Okay, I am.  I'm a one man woman - so are the other LDS people I know - just puttin' it out there.

She goes on (and yes, I am actually going on too.): "Not EVERYONE is good to marry."  Good point yet again - let's see who she heeds us from marrying...
 - If you marry a cat... you have to let them lick your face.  (Um... yea.)
 - If you marry a teacher, she (note it did NOT say "he" anywhere) could make you do homework instead of watch TV.  (Great - I'm screwed.)
 - If you marry a noisy, shouting person he (not "she" anywhere - I was thinking sports, but then I thought of me and my mom watching a BYU game...) will give you a headache.

"Sometimes you have to search and search for the right person... and sometimes you have to sit quietly and wait for someone."  Hm... There might be a non-sarcastic valid point to that line... nah.

"When you find your Own True Love, you have to ask their permission. [When they say yes] do your best curtsy or bow and kneel down and give them a golden (white gold in my opinion) ring, or your favorite toy, or a bite of your cookie."  I'd prefer the ring, but to each his own...

Sidenote:  I really hope whoever proposes to me bows or curtsies to me.  I REALLY hope.

She elaborates on names to call them, like "Honey Darling Sweetheart!" so that everyone will know they are yours and not try to take em' away.  Wedding invites must be in "Wedding Language" - aka:  promise candy to the guests - and make sure to put RSVP at the bottom, which means "Please say yes, please!!! Thank you."

Sidenote:  Yes.  I AM still writing... Yes.  I found this book that funny.

After finding a place to get married (a palace, beach, up a tree, or your playroom), get dressed in things like:
 - A beautiful gown
 - Shining armor
 - A mustache (good thing I have one of those handy!)
 - A crown
 - Some ears if you're marrying a rabbit...

Personally, I would think Mr. Rabbit wouldn't want me to change myself because he'd love me just the way I am, but every hare is different.

As the wedding actually happens, try not to fall over (good tips here) and then "look into each other's faces."  This is a vital point, because so many of us believe it's the eyes that we should look into, but it is actually the entire face we should be searching.  After you are pronounced as "huibbie and wifey" throw flowers at people's heads and whoever it hits will get married next.  Lucky them.

"You now are Married People (in caps - written that way for emphasis?).  So, you have to yell, "HOORAY!" and then do some cartwheels for joy."  Married People must also do the following things:
 - Get some children... and some pets.
 - Live in a house on a hill by a little stream.
 - Watch the sun go down together.
 - Go along together, holding hands.
 - Live Happily Ever After.

Could it really be this simple?!  Perhaps I am making things MUCH to complicated.

P.S. I really thought this was HILARIOUS!  I totally got married about 40 times when I was a little girl - but only to human beings.  Obviously, none of those quite panned out, which I'm willing to bet is a significantly positive thing...

Song of the Day:  I found this girl on my friend's page and she is just TOO good to not give attention too.  She is merely 13 years-old, and I'm not normally an advocate of child stars... but this girl is pretty awesome!  Here is a self-written song by Faith Johnson called "Just Me."  Enjoy!


Rebekah Evans said...

Oh wow, Linz, I feel so enlightened! Two questions/comments: (1) When exactly was this book written? (2) How old is he/she? oh and one more: I've been going about this ALL wrong, I've only been looking for meanies. Apparently, I should be looking for nice guys. Or rabbits.

Mike said...

There's another one written by a boy. My bishop and his wife read both of them to us at FHE once. Hilarious.