with a Z...: A Jump-Start to the Spiritual Heart!

Sidenote: This entry may perhaps appear somewhat personal, and it is in many ways. However, I feel comfortable letting people know that, well... everyone struggles. Everyone goes through tough times in their lives of self, and even religious doubt. But, everyone can come forth from those times ten times stronger and more determined, if they let themselves.... That being said:

Spiritual Rejuvenation... sounds as thought it could be somewhat in the manner of beseeching as a title. However, that is how I am currently feeling. Spiritually Rejuvenated.
This weekend I went down to St. George with some friends to see my friend Britta's farewell, and it was perfect. I had some talks in the car on the way down and back, and during our group's scripture study on Saturday night that really re-focused me on the important things and I feel that I have had a small jump-start to the spiritual heart. I feel like I am finally feeling the spirit in my life again and understanding that Heavenly Father really loves me. I have been struggling a bit. I have been struggling to feel the spirit and feel like Heavenly Father has a plan for me. I know he does, but everyone goes thorough times in their life of doubt and struggle.

I think that this past year has been the real trial for me... I can't explain it all, but I really felt separated and was making choices that weren't bringing me closer to my Savior. When I felt like my Heavenly Father or Savior weren't listening, I did the opposite of what someone should do and I pulled away... I think I do that sometimes. I stopped reading my scriptures most of the time and prayers were every other day - SO not like me. I haven't been this way since before High School. I was going to church and doing my calling, but I was really "active" in the gospel if you know what I mean. I had just lost the fire within.

Anyway, no one needs to hear more of that, but I'll just say it was probably one of the times I felt the most alone in my life, and I'm still sorting through it. However, this weekend did something for me...

These past few weeks I have seen specs of hope and this weekend was a HUGE relief for my soul - sounds cheesy, but it truly how I feel. I went down to St. George with my friends Dru and Dan for the farewell (homegirl's going to England!) and met up with my girl, Kay, and three of her friends. It was a giant weekend extravaganza at Kay's parent's summer home - very fun! A weekend full of dolphin noises, car games, grapes, and sing-alongs!

Anyway, on the way down me and the boys were playing games and I wanted to play the "If you could ask God three questions, what would they be?" game. We had some really interesting thoughts and it turned into deep conversation... Dan posed the question, "Have I reached my potential?" and that really got me thinking. Where am I at, and where should I be to be happy with my "final outcome" in this life and the next. That was good cause it started my flame.

Then, that night, we did a group scripture study talking about the Tree of Life vision and personal application. It was fascinating and got us talking. We started sharing study techniques (Patterns!) and amidst everything... It just clicked again for me. I felt the realization that I needed the gospel in my life as the focus and not in addition to other things. I have been SO lost and SO out of focus. I have really been OFF my "A game..." We all have these times I guess, but I have always been the "strong one" in my family and I never thought it could happen to me... but I just took my turn to burn out for a bit. I never want to do that again - NEVER.

I know this gospel is true! I KNOW that I have a Savior who loves me and that my Heavenly Father has a plan for me - I KNOW it.... For the first time in a long time I can say "know" and mean it wholeheartedly, cause it had slipped for me...

It's like in Alma 32:28 where it talks about the knowledge and seed being perfected, and it says "it is not." The seed has to keep growing and being nourished - I lost sight of that. On the chance of sounding preachy (which is never my intention), I must encourage all to never lose sight of that. Hold strong to fruit of the gospel and cherish it. Whatever you believe, hold it inside your heart and never lose focus. I guess the same principles can apply to being a missionary and why our church has missionaries around the world. They are there to give people this great gift that we believe with our whole beings in, and I was taking for granted - that is where their focus is, which is why they might come across as "intense." If you have experienced that in any negative form, please understand it from that point of view and try to be patient. With that focus so strong in me right now, I want to yell it from the roof-tops too.

I have been SO prideful lately, and my caution to any and everyone would be to never fear humility. Turn to Heavenly Father in all things; in all frustrations and in all happiness. He is our FATHER and wants to hear! And, nothing is too great for the Lord...

I am just beyond grateful to know that again, and to be spiritually rejuvenated once more.
*muah*

Song of the Day: On our trip we listened to some amazing music via Dan's Ipod, and I was introduced to a group I had recently put on my "musical shopping list" to check-out - Il Divo! I had only heard one song of theirs, but my word! They are phenomenal! I encourage everyone to check them out for some good Sunday or everyday listening... So, the song for today is one I knew of theirs before this weekend (used in a past Dancesport Event), and it is a duet with my favorite singer of all time - Celine Dion. With no further ado, here is Il Divo and Celine Dion's, I Believe In You. The video is to Lion King footage - Haha! Kinda cheesy, bu it made me wanna have a Disney night... Enjoy!