Sunday, September 13, 2009

We're Agents To Ourselves!

"Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness; For the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves. And inasmuch as men do good they shall in nowise lose their reward. But he that doeth not anything until he is commanded, and receiveth a commandment with doubtful heart, and keepeth it with slothfulness, the same is damned."

Church today was fabulous - FABULOUS. As I discussed in a previous entry, I have really been struggling inside myself to make a decision about what I should do with my life now that I am graduated from BYU. I have spent the past two year working and loved it, and have had every intention of going back to Grad School, but with no solidified decision as to what I will study and where I will be attending. I have gone back and forth between numerous areas of study and locations... I have been praying to figure out what exactly I should do and have felt like I wasn't getting an answer.

Then, a few weekends back I had a great experienced and finally felt like I was making a breakthrough. I narrowed my decisions down and started feeling like I was being heard again - or realized that I always was being heard... I decided to look into some different MFA programs, emphasizing in acting, or some MBA programs emphasizing in Sports Management and Events. I have loved both of these areas of interest in my life and felt like I knew it was between one or the other. I picked out some good schools for each program and had taken a step forward... I was now just waiting for some kind of amazing answer that would tell me which path to chose.

Well, what was I waiting for... a brilliant light to part the skies and shine down on me, opening my mind to some amazing epiphany that I should chose one area or another to study?

That wasn't going to happen. It is STILL not going to happen. Why, you ask?
...Because I am an agent unto myself.

My bishop gave a talk today in church today for ward conference and it was EXACTLY what I needed to hear. He read the scripture posted above and I just HAVE to break it down within the realm of how it hit me.

First, we do many things of our own free will and are agents unto ourselves. We must make decisions for ourselves and are commanded to do so. We have been given agency for a reason, and we must learn to trust ourselves, and use that agency. That is what I must really learn - to trust and believe in myself as much as my Heavenly Father and Savior believe in me.

Second, if I do not anything until I am commanded, and then receive a commandment with a doubtful heart, AND keep being slothful, I am pretty much damned. In modern language, if I sit and wait for someone to give me direction I am "damned." I'm not thinking of "damned" as going to hell, but as being literally STOPPED from making progress. If I sit and wait for Heavenly Father to shine a light on the "correct path" I will still be sitting there a year from now, and will not have made ANY progress. Also, if I go along the path that I chose and feel the spirit guide me, but keep second guessing that guidance, I am not going to go anywhere either - I've damned myself.

Now, imagine a year of not trusting myself and also not really trusting the spirit because of fear, doubt, etc... Yea. That was this last year for me until about three weeks ago. What a weight LIFTED this past month as I have realized how to remove the stumbling blocks I have been placing in front of myself! I am truly becoming an agent unto myself.

So, I have realized that I need to make a decision and have come that far. I have narrowed down my choices - the two programs... Now, I must decide between the the practical path, and the scary, unpredictable path. An MBA program is where I have no doubt I would get a job right out of Grad School and succeed on a high level - plus, I would love it.

An MFA program would be to guide me in my process to go pro in acting and music - do the "dream big" thing. I would love that, but I realize that no matter how talented I am and how much drive I have I could eat my life away taking anything I can get and really never "get there." It's a gamble no matter how talented you are. YES, anything is a gamble, but I'm being real here... That business is HARD to get into and stay locked into. Straight up.

So, now that I know it is on me to decide and trust myself... I just have to do it. Is that the easy or the hard part? I'm confused.

.... But life feels much more clear in the current confusion, rather than the past feelings of abandonment - though I merely abandoned myself, by not trusting myself.

Song of the Day: Um, I had the chance to watch the VMAs tonight (I would NOT miss em'!) and saw the performance by Muse... DANG. They were KICK! Thus, I give you the song that they performed as my chosen melodic masterpiece of the day... Here's Muse's song, Uprising. I love this song. I love Muse. Their new CD comes out this week!!! Enjoy!

Sidenote: If you know the band Truman in Provo, doesn't the lead singer look like Ben in this video?! Serious. That's tight.


Meagarific said...

Wow... this is weird. We had stake conference yesterday and one of the most powerful talks was on this very same topic! And it hit me the same way. It was from our stake patriarch (who happens to be a good friend, so that made it more personal too). He said he couldn't figure out what to talk about in stake conference. He prayed about it, went to the temple, everything. No answer. So he talked about not getting answers - why we don't get answers sometimes, and also that a lot of the time it's because of the scripture that you said above. We are agents to ourselves, and we can (and are supposed to) choose.

a sunlit dreaming tree said...

loved this, linz! beautifully written. spoke truth into my life. :)

thanks girl! <3