Friday, February 8, 2013

Why I Cry...

I can say that I'm not emotional person, but that's a flat-out lie. I don't mean to lie, but when I say that it just comes out. Truth is, I'm VERY emotional. However, my emotional is not a crying fest. If yours is there is NO judgement here - it's probably a little bit sad that I have so much trouble crying in front of others. I mean, I should be able to show that form of emotion, but unless I'm on a stage or by myself... It's typically a dry faucet.


 ... There are moments I let the water-works loose. Why, you ask? Well, there are a few categories and one major one is film. If there is a moment in film that really moves me, I will often let it rain. It IS usually in a dark theater, so... Haha!

Here is the recent explanation for my outward display of emotion - three times, each time. Did that not make sense? It's about to. On Christmas Day I went with my family to see the film version of the musical Les Miserables.  A few days later I went with my friend, Amber, to see the movie again.  The following Monday for FHE, I went yet again to see this amazing film.  Yep, I went three times in two weeks.  Haha!  I regret nothing.

I know there were imperfections.  I know that Russell Crowe was NOT up to par for this film - not his voice, nor his acting in all reality.  I know that some people really hated all the up-close action - and though I didn't love it all the time, I did appreciate the emotions evoked from some of those shots and the way you could see the work behind the actors.  I know that usually you want acting to look natural, and I did feel like a lot of it was natural (well, as natural as you can be when singing your daily dialogue - haha!).  However, I appreciated that there was emotional effort so often put forth from the actors, and that we could really see that in them.

So, there were imperfections, I truly loved Les Mis.  For me, it was the therapeutic outlet I needed in my life after recent events.  What events you might ask?  Well, I was debating if I should put it in the open or not, but I decided that not only will this be a further form of therapy, but it might help someone else who falls into a similar situation in ANY way.

A few months ago I started "dating" a boy who I met at church after he got up and bore his testimony.  He was cute, sweet-talkin', and into a lot of the same things as I am... Or, so he said he was.  We began as friends for a few weeks and spent time getting to know one another just as friends.  After a short time, we began "dating" for about a month and a half - I put it into quotations because we both SAID we were dating, and we were going out on dates, but that was 100% not his intention.  After about a month and a half of dating he had borrowed a LOT of stuff from me and was really avoiding giving things back to me.  Also, he was showing some interesting colors.  He hit on another girl in front of me.  He took off and left me in a club after I cooked him dinner.  He wasn't into taking pictures with me or ANYONE (you can hate pictures, but this was weird).  His stories began to have inconsistencies   He said his wallet was stolen, and after I got him a new one in Nicaragua, he was suddenly using the old one again...  Don't think I didn't call him out on all of these things either.  We fought enough to the point that I was prepared to break up with him, but just wanted my stuff back first.

In honesty, looking back he was saying and doing shady things from the BEGINNING.  I should have had two eyes open, but I didn't.

Really, what it comes down to is I felt off.  I felt off from the beginning.  I knew right away that something was off and I felt no peace in being with him.  Why did I continue on?  Well, I felt like I must have been having trust issues or just be being scared.  Honest to goodness - I have NEVER had trust issues or been scared in a relationship.  Nope, never.  However, here I was second guessing myself constantly.  I can finally say I know what a "stupor-of-thought" feels like and what a "Martin Harris" moment is like... No disrespect to him, but it's a good way to describe this situation.

Anyway, getting to the brunt of this tale, this boy was not who I thought he was in the least.  His name is Cory Kellogg.  Yep, I'm writing his name in here - you can click on the name for a picture too.  I do it not to be malicious  but to warn any other girl who come into contact with him that he has some serious issues and is not a good person.  I know people can change, but hear me out.  Cory (who had given me a different spelling to his name, by the way) is a convicted felon MANY times over with a history of forgery and theft.  He creates "alternate identities" and "forged stories" to gain respect, trust, and establish relationships with people.  His main targets are girlfriends and family members, but it doesn't end there.  He goes after many people.  He had created an ENTIRELY different identity with me and my friends... He doesn't go to BYU; doesn't play basketball.  He didn't serve the mission he said he did...  He doesn't work in marketing and is not traveling when he says he is (Mr. can't leave the state).  He is a COMPLETELY different person than who he said he was originally...

I saw the signs.  I didn't listen.  It's like Taylor Swift's new song, "I Knew You Were Trouble."  I knew... and I ignored.

Now, how does this all tie into Les Miserables.  Well, that movie is what has truly helped to lock in the healing process.  When I found out everything about Cory, how he had fully lied to me and stolen money and things from me... I was angry.  I'm talking so livid I was shaking and in literal defined shock.  I walked into a room and knelt down right away and just prayed... Prayed for the power to forgive.  I prayed for the ability to move on and know what to do in this situation.  I prayed for comfort and feelings of love.  Those feelings came immediately, but it had been hard at time to keep them in my heart.  I feel like just in the past few weeks  I've started to let go of all that anger because I'm talking openly about how I felt/feel.  Sometimes putting on a happy face is genuinely not the best avenue to take... talk about things openly.

Les Mis - promised I'd get there! Les Miserables is all about love and forgiveness.  It's all about moving forward in life and realizing what "side" you're on in life.  In the final scene, Jean Valjean tells Cosette the truth about his past through a letter and says he never really learned forgiveness and love till she was in his life.  You see the priest in the end still carrying such a place in Valjean's life because he forgave Valjean for stealing his silver and let him know God would forgive all his other sins.  This movie/story is all about forgiveness, redemption, and standing up for what's right.  In the very final moments of the film you see all those who have passed on at the barricade.  They talk about the power in coming into the "light" and being on the side of the Lord in the end - it has a veiled message of worrying about yourself and letting go of others choices...

Do you hear the people sing?
Lost in the valley of the night
It is the music of a people who are climbing to the light 
For the wretched of the earth
There is a flame that never dies
Even the darkest nights will end and the sun will rise 

They will live again in freedom in the garden of the lord 
They will walk behind the plough-share
They will put away the sword
The chain will be broken and all men will have their reward!

Will you join in our crusade?
Who will be strong and stand with me?
Somewhere beyond the barricade is there a world you long to see?
Do you hear the people sing?
Say, do you hear the distant drums?
It is the future that they bring when tomorrow comes!

I don't know what it was, but when I heard them talk about the darkest night ending, I realized that the feelings I was having because of Cory would fade and end.  Truth is, they have now - I'm completely free.  When they talked about all men having their own reward I thought of the choices I am making in my life and how I can improve - how can I gain the reward I desire and be on the side of the Lord in the end?  I thought about the world I long to see that's past the insignificant crap I was feeling because of current situations and the promise of a bright future when tomorrow is here - meaning, not just the next life, but the next situations in my life now.  I can't fully explain it, but I just felt free.  I felt relief and compassion.  I felt forgiveness in my heart and a realization that I had learned new things about myself and life from this experience - in some ways, it was a blessing in disguise.

I know that forgiveness can be hard - really hard - but we can receive great blessings and relief in our life as we just let go of things and as we forgive others.  I know that we are blessed in our forgiveness.  Grudges are like splinters that stay under your skin and fester - they only hurt you more and more.  Let go and move on.... and love.

"To love another person is to see the face of God."

I'm thankful for the film version of Les Mis - really, I am.  For whatever reason, this adaptation struck me differently than the story has before.  I've seen the musical twice and listened to the CD recordings over 200 times in my life.  I even sang some of the songs for competitions or recitals in High School - it wasn't as cliche then, promise.  I have always loved Les Mis, but this time things struck me differently.  This time, I was healed from the words and music.

And so, I cry... and I'm oddly okay with tears.

Song of the Day:  DUH.  Here is the finale sequence of Les Mis's finale with the 10th Anniversary Cast.  Enjoy!!!

1 comment:

Mike said...

That is messed up! I'm sorry you had to go through that, what a creeper!