Eternal Consequences...

The atmosphere is thick with indecision
Bating me to choose a side.
Numb to the voices inside my head,
Though other voices invade my perception.
Weightless pressure captures each breath
Making a decision that's life of death...
Life to a friendship to bloom into more
Death to a friendship that fades from before.

There always seems to be reason to allow for one more chance...

Images painted in my mind
Give me hope and determination
En graven memories create only one side to every story
Help me see which line to cross
To see which path is in my creation
We need to look past potential and could-have-beens,
And cling to what is now and can be.
Help me see which line to cross, which life to chose...
Free me.

- Linze Struiksma (copyright)

I feel eternally torn - yes, eternally. Even if I know that in the eternal perspective it could have nothing to do with my path, I also know my life's decisions right now could have EVERYTHING to do with eternity. When you grow up, life gets much more complicated than it needs to me because of indecision and fear. I have lived my life trying to be fearless, and now with each decision I am making I feel a bit of second-guess work creeping into my heart.

I know I am not eternally torn, and yet I feel that way right now. Tonight. It is interesting to me how much weight lies within the choices and feelings that we have during this time in our lives. It's simply crazy to me... I know I am capable of and trusted to make amazing and inspired decisions at this point in my life, but that doesn't mean they will be made easier - and they are not being made easier in my life. I'm waiting to know in my mind and in my heart what course of action to take with each step I take.

The end.
*muah*

Side-note: Life really is fabulous! I am doing so well with things... I didn't hear back today from the Energy Solutions Arena and so I'm not sure what to think because I thought I would. If I don't hear by Monday than I need to start looking other places because my chances just shot way down. I hope I hear tomorrow... Hm. Things are so hard right now... I just wanna be working a full-time job that I love and am passionate about... Something that I would be awesome at, and continue to grow from while doing things that I enjoy.

I am just having a tough time with making the transition right now from college kid, to working adult. I feel like I don't really belong anywhere anymore, and I just wanna feel acceptance and love from something familiar. I really am loving life though and having a great time with family and friends - no worry there. :)

Magical Moments within the Happiest Place on Earth!

I had the craziest week of my life this past week... I have never felt so many emotions and had so many conflicting and yet congruent thoughts at one moment. All that I can state is, greener pastures are about to be pursued, and little wonders about to be revealed.

I applied for a job at the Energy Solutions Arena - I can't really call it that yet... It is still The Delta Center to me. Haha! Anyway, the Director of VIP Services is a family friend, and I emailed about potential job opportunities a week or so ago. This week he emailed me back an official "you're through to round #2" desk letter for the position of VIP Service Manager - working directly under him. The job would consist of me working all of the Jazz and Blaze games, the concerts and all events... Pretty much, it would be my DREAM JOB! (I did use those words when I answered the return questions - haha!) I love events planning, coordinating, production, and just working these events. It really would be PERFECT for my situation right now and I would LOVE this job, and work SO hard! I could learn so much... Keep your fingers crossed for me! :)

Otherwise, Disneyland with 70+ counselors was last week... and it was AMAZING! I had such a great time with new and old friends from this and past summers of work. Plus, I got one WICKED farmers tan! Haha... I will put a few pictures on here for ya'll to check out!

Can I just say that the show at Disneyland entitled Fantasmic! is incredible? I mean, I have seen it so many times and each time I get emotional - me, I know - and I feel so inspired to reach for my dreams. Everyone who was watching it with me kept looking at me and seeing me wear a smile bigger than a five year olds watching the show. I live to believe as that show demands you to believe... If you have never seen it, make a literal GOAL to go spend time getting descent seats and watching the show on one of the evenings next time you go to Disneyland. I am assuming they have the same or a similar show in DisneyWorld as well... Go see it and watch your confidence and hope grow ten fold.

Well, here are some pictures below. I will write again later this weekend about my feelings regarding my initial statement in this post... I want to think about how to word things to make my feelings appear well thought-out and cohesive. For now, enjoy a little Disneyland love! :)


These two pictures are me and my AWESOME
Disneyland roommates, Melody, Sam, and Sarah!

Pretty much, we are just super HOT!






















This is our little crew in Disneyland with Mickey! It was the morning of our second day and ALL the characters were just chillin' outside for us all to take photos with. That morning, we were cheering so much for them, the Disneyland Dream Squad (blue employee shirts) made us the "Honorary Dream Squad" for the week - Booyah!





















This is a big group of us in Disneyland's California Adventure Theme Park on Thursday! We had SUCH a blast on Screamin', Grizzly, Toy Story, Soarin', and my personal favorite Tower of Terror!
























This is our second ride of the trip, Indiana Jones! I begged to be the driver because it is SO fun to overreact to everything!



The picture above that is our little group acting crazy in a "ball of bones" on pirate's island!

































These last two pictures (I could post SOOOOO many more! Haha!) are some faves! On the left is me and Mr.Toad before my wild and superior ride to Hades with him, Donny, and Sam - haha! It's in the little kiddie rides and one my open favorites in the whole park! On the right is me and Turell in front of the giant Mr.Potato Head - who called me a hockey puck! Haha... We are in front of the new Toy Story ride in California Adventure, and in the words of Turell, "I LOVE THIS RIDE!"

Enjoy! *muah*

Making a Fashion Statement - Literally.

Call it my newly installed obsession with The Hills or, call it working too many EFY weeks and seeing "this" as the make-up for immodesty issues... but I really must state my loathing for leggings. Now, if you disagree you may stop here or continue with caution. My rant will last but a moment, and is superficial and quite frankly, unnecessary. However, I will plead my case as to why no young woman should ever state "leggings are a staple in any girl's wardrobe..."

Let the short rant begin...

Leggings were a staple for women IN THE 80s! The 80s are done, and leggings died with the years. Let's just be honest, they are a way to dress an outfit down to me, and just look tacky - not ugly, but tacky. Disclaimer: That does not mean if YOU have worn them in my presence I have thought, "She is so tacky!" On the contrary, I have grown numb to them when my friends are the ones wearing them. It is simply when I am forced to look at them - like my EFY weeks at times - and when I see celebrities wearing them with an outfit that makes no sense.

Also, leggings are simply tight fabric squeezing your legs... It is the same as your leg to me, and some people use it as an excuse to wear nothing below... My opinion... The end.

On a similar topic, let me simply state that the fashion world is insane. Yes, I said it - insane. I mean, I get some of BEST ideas from watching world fashion, but also so some of the UGLIEST things on individuals because they are "in fashion." Recent Trends...

Who wants to wear a short little "bag" on their body as a dress? Not me.
On the other hand, who wants to wear clothing SO tight that is shows ALL your curves? Not me. I mean, I wanna show the good ones, but not my little tummy... and almost EVERYONE nowadays has a little tummy. The girl below is like a size eight and has this problem... enough said - we all have that problem... Unless you have Britney Spear's stomach from 1998.

Thank you photo shop for making the world think most women actually have perfect bodies. Nice try - I am not so easily fooled.

I am done with my "Fashion Statement" and so I am ending this entry... It may have appeared a mindless rant or vindication for myself not to follow this fashion trend, but I wanted to state the opinion for some reason. I get these random spurts of passion over the most bizzare things, and so... so be it.

Leggings + Linze = A huge no go!

*muah*

Dreams from an Insomniac!

So, here I sit at 4 in the morning and have the worst insomnia EVER. I have been going to bed kind of late anyway, but these past few days I just haven't been tired at all and I find myself just praying that I will be able to fall asleep. I've made a lot of big decisions these past few days and perhaps that is what is keeping me up to an extent... I decided to work at least a semester, if not a full year, here in SLC (hopefully the Delta Center or a PR/Events Planning Firm) until I have enough money to go elsewhere. That means a full-time job and living with my parents until I have enough to really live on my own as a start. I'm a little nervous about living with the family, not because I don't love them or even like being with them - they are the BEST, but I have been on my own for awhile and to come back is weird. Plus, I like being independent...

I made a decision about myself in the last few weeks of EFY, and it might sound horrible, but it is how I feel. My last session director talked with me a lot about dating and relationships - I've been interested in one guy for a long while on and off, and was thinking about trying to take it to another level. Then, I realized that the next level is working toward a relationship leading to marriage...

I'm not ready.

I know that a lot of girls my age, especially ones in Utah, are hungry for marriage and I know that it IS a commandment in its own due time. However, I'm not wanting to be involved in that way right now with another individual. Call me selfish, but I want some me time. I want a few years to discover life a bit more... I'm not still "trying to find myself," because I feel confident in who I am and who I am becoming with each day or experience. I just want time to play and see more of the world... Travel, work, meet people, perform, have new experiences, and grow...

Maybe it comes down to I haven't met someone yet that makes me want to settle down and focus on another individual. There was a time when I truly thought that I had met that person... but I haven't. Not yet... In the future I'll meet him, or discover I feel that way if I already have met him. For now, I am quite content in being young, unattached, and a dreamer. Dare to dream BIG, right?

That's what I am doing... Dreaming BIG.

How ironic that I say "Dream BIG," and yet I remain unable fall asleep... :)

The thoughtful poetry of an insomniac
Drips upon the pages of my once forgotten history,
Remaining ever more as stains.
Stains that form the words I speak and feelings that encompass my being.
Yearning for a time in which my eyes will close,
Yet dreading it still...
Hoping for my chance to see the sunrise.
The sun has risen - peace.
Eyelids shutter to a close...
- LinzeKate

Now, don't be a hater when I saw I've been watching episodes of The Hills and seeing soooooo many shots of the LA skyline and buildings... OH! I wanna work in that city and live there SO bad! Not for forever, but someday for a time... I love that city so much and each time I visit I feel more and more drawn to return. I love, love, LOVE the city... and I love, love, LOVE LA... We'll see I guess! I'm thinking, work in SLC for a year, go to LA and work there for a year, and then going back to grad school. I don't know where I wanna go for grad school, but I wanna know exactly what I want to do before I spend money to hit up grad school. Who knows, perhaps I will work for a place that will pay for me to go to grad school! :) THAT would be awesome...

*muah*

P.S. I am almost over pneumonia and feeling a lot better... In fact, next week I will be in my beloved city for a trip to Disneyland - three days in the magical kingdom, and hoping to be a few moments in the downtown of my beloved city. YES! :)

Tomorrow = Job Application Time.

Auditioning with Songs of Pneumonia!

So... who really ever gets pneumonia? Oh, Linze does - Linze does. Haha! I am lying in bed right now somewhat miserable from the coughing, breathing troubles, sore throat, fever, runny nose, and congestion and yet more upset about missing my final week of EFY than actually being sick. I am hoping to feel better by Tuesday afternoon so that I can return to the EFY field for my final week. I would hate to miss my final week with my team and not get that experience with them... I do NOT wan to to get anyone from my team or any of the youth sick, but I want to share this last week with them and the other counselors.

However, I do leave in a week and a half for New York City for auditions and need to have full voice by then. Oh, did I not share that yet??? I was unable to audition in SLC for American Idol, so Jan and I are flying back East for a vacation and so that I can audition for AI back there. I know that chances are less than 1% and I might not have the perfect "look," but if they are looking for a great voice and killer personality, with a pretty face... They've got it in me! We'll see, I guess, but I feel good about auditioning there in NY and am excited to head back East for a few weeks.

I am going to start looking for jobs out here pretty soon and back in LA and just see what comes my way over the next month... I was SET on LA and now I'm thinking of working here for a few months and then moving to LA... I still have no idea what I really want to do yet, other than make music... and that I truly love the city! I really miss living in a city!

As I ponder over the past few weeks I remain confused about where I need to be for a plethora of reasons... One, I'm not sure where I WANT to be. Two, I can not seem to decide what exactly I want to do - PR, production, etc... Three, there is a boy in the mix that I did not expect to show his face in my life yet. Regarding the final reason, there is nothing serious established, but I care about him and he cares about me... I can not pin-point what he wants out of our relationship/friendship, but we are both submitting signs to some extent and this new development makes me rethink things from time to time. I will not make a decision based on another person until they are my husband or future husband, but I will also not dismiss my feelings at this current state of our relationship. Hmph.

I've started to write song lyrics once more, and Melody has offered to help me write music for them... My brother could also do that, and I think I want to take that offer and run with it. I watched the movie, "Music&Lyrics" the other day too and it inspired me a little bit... It oddly gave me a reality check at the same time as encoring me to go for my dreams. I am so tried of fear - why not chase everything I've ever wanted??? I would love to put some demos together. I would love to head to LA with some demos under my belt and one of the lady's in my ward has a recording studio she will give me ridiculously cheap prices for if I want to record a little summin' summin'... I'm really diggin' that idea.

*muah*

Captured Memories from the Am. Idol Finale!

Here are some pictures from my AMAZING trip to the American Idol Finale in Los Angeles, California!


This is my group who drove across country and our friends Tyson and Heather who we randomly met up with outside of the Nokia Theater after the final results show...

This is Chad - my best American Idol buddy! He's holding our beloved sign that we made saying "David vs. Goliath." It had both David's next to "David" and Simon Cowell next to "Goliath" - classic!

This is me and Britt working that red carpet outside of the Nokia!

Here is Sister Archuleta... Yes, I called her that! Haha... She was the sweetest woman - gave me a big hug and everything - tender!

Here is us with Daniel Archuleta, David's little bro... I was thanking him for his public example and the example of his whole family, not just David, and he was all, "Can I just hug you?" It was so cute! Then, we took pictures with our cameras of each other - what a genuinely sweet kid?

*muah*

It's Been Awhile... Spiritually Rejuvenated...

So... It's been awhile, and soooooo much has happened! I have been so blessed in many ways and I feel like Heavenly Father has really been helping me out with deciding which direction to go in my life. I've had so many wonderfully fun experiences, full of learning and growth too.

To catch up, first: The American Idol Finale was AH-MAE-ZING!!! I have never had a such a fun trip and met so many amazing people. I was able to go with my friends Britt, Kevin, and Chad to LA and meet up with Kory and his sister Ashley while there. It was SO fun! We had tickets for Tuesday night and the Tuesday dress rehearsal, which was incredible. Both David Cook and David Archuleta did very well, but David A's voice was like BUTTA on Tuesday night! He kicked TRASH that night and really brought it to the table that night... seeing him live was AMAZING!
Wednesday night we did not have tickets, but we tried to get in on Wednesday morning anyway... and after the car sent me to flirt it up and ask about tickets, we did get in on Wednesday night just barely and had fairly decent seats at that. It was great! The show was so unbelievable - I can't believe all of the people I got to see perform live and how amazing everyone was live... Oh, it was SOOOOO good!!!
We met some of the stars, including getting our picture with Jason and Ramiele... so classic! The coolest experience though, was meeting David Archuleta's family outside of the show right after the results had been announced. I saw his little brother and walked right over to him. I thanked him for being such a good example and told him that I was LDS too, and really appreciated his whole family. He was so cute and asked for a hug, which I said of course too, and then we both got pictures together. Then, I met his mom and told her the same thing I told Daniel. She hugged me and was so appreciative. It was really neat...
Last, we had been outside of the show for about an hour when David's dad walked out and Chad and I decided to go talk with him. He talked with me and Chad for about twenty minutes! He shared a lot of personal experiences with us and we talked for a bit about the gospel... He said, "It is so nice to be able to talk about this side of the experience with a select few, because we can't with the media..." It was flattering to be one of the 'select few' and talk about where David is with the gospel and the many emails/letters they received about people who were investigating the church because of David's example and spirit. It was sooooo cool!

After that experience I came home to begin working for EFY the following week. It has literally been the most AMAZING experience. The entirety of my summer has really been spiritually rejuvenating for me and my testimony... It has been incredible. Being a BC for EFY has taught me more about being a leader, teacher, future parent, friend, and example than any other job could teach me. I have had some amazing experiences with the youth, counselors, and the rest of my BC/FC team. I LOVE my team!!! They are incredible... I could not ask for a better group of boys and girls to learn from and become close with. They all inspire me in different ways and help me to desire being better. I love being around them, talking with them... AND, I love jamming out with them since most of us are so musical... It is so much fun making music with them - esp. Mel and Ben! We all fit sooooo well together, and I love it...

Gosh, I love music. I'm still planning on trying out for American Idol, but it'll be tricky with it being during an EFY week when they come here. I'm trying to work it, but I'm just gonna have to be flexible and maybe go somewhere else... we'll see! I really would LOVE to audition though... Even if it is a one in a million shot at making it in, and simply a lot of luck. Heavenly Father has to really desire for you to be there at that time, but he knows it would be a dream come true for me.... again, we'll see!

Ideas on songs for me to sing? I have some ideas, but I have to narrow it down this week...

Ideas: "Listen" from Dreamgirls, "Hero" by Mariah Carey, "Open Arms" by Journey, "When I Fall in Love" by Celine Dion, "I'm Holding Out For a Hero" by Bonnie Tyler, "Everytime We Touch" by Cascada (candlelight version...) I DON'T KNOW! Haha...

*muah*