Playing a little catch...

So, the "new boy" I spoke of asked me out and we had a great time. Nothing too exciting, but we got along really well... Nothing sure there. I wish for once I could figure out how the "getting past friends level" worked - haha!

In all honesty, I am seriously going to focus on school and nothing else right now. There are some great people around me, but we're all leaving for spring and summer terms to work and make money... That is what I am gonna focus on - school and graduation, and then the youth/counselors I'll be working with at EFY. I am really excited to do EFY BCing this summer... It will probably be my final year doing it, so I am gonna make it my best! :)

No word on grad school yet... this week? I hope so!

*muah*

Go Green!

We won the elections! I have spent the past two months running around and getting things together for my friend's campaign for BYUSA President and Vice President. Oh, and the title above - green was our campaign color, which plastered campus profusely.

Let me just say, "Give em' a damn chance!" (Adam and Chance - get it?... Yea.)

All last week was full of me skipping classes and dropping off the face of the planet from my ward and apartment mates, and running around BYU campus NON-stop. I have to say, as stressful as it was and as much sleep that I lost, I really did love every moment. I really could be myself doing this kind of thing for a living - being a campaign manager or, kinda different, but a lobbyist. Just thoughts right now, but I'm learning more and more about politics and the government and finding a niche there... I love it more and more with each experience, story heard or read, or issue I am able to analyze.

Back to the campus campaign, I got kinda over-hyper about some things Saturday and started to flip out over dumb things, but eh. You live and learn to grow past that, and I think that this experience was exceptional in teaching me to handle stress. I learned a lot in the past week about what really needed to get done that week and what we could have done different structurally and executionally - I don't think that's a word. Eh! Point is, I love that we came together for a cause and I was also able to grow personally and intellectually. It makes me happy to help others, serving my friends to make something I believe in happen.

The boys were talking with me about a secretary position next year and I am SUPER excited! The words were, "Doesn't that just sound like a 'Linze' job? I feel so good about that..." Me too! Now, all I have to do is get into grad school here. I am starting to get really nervous about that. My GRE score is substantially low for their program, and I have no paying work experience. However, my resume and recommendation letters are exceptional and I have fairly decent grades right now. Ug... I am so scared to even think about what will happen if I fail to get in! I'll just die! I don't know if I can handle that....

If I do get in, then I have my program here and I can still run for BYUSA President next year if I still desire to do so and have the secretary job next year that I am dying to do. Working with the boys would be amazing - They're really like other brothers to me and I know that I could turn to them for anything. It's amazing how close I have grown to them - and working with them every day would be a pleasure and an honor. I'll keep praying!

Sidenote: I have an unhealthy addiction (not really) to American Idol, and I just have to say, I am SO pleased that David Archuleta is doing so well. It's nice to see someone go for it and succeed regardless of their religion, race, or age. He's already a star in my eyes, and SUCH a good example to those watching... Soooooo, pretty much all of America. I hope that I am that kind of example to others of light and happiness - even if it is on a tad smaller scale.

Oh, and also... I have a new boy in sight - cause I always do. He's fantastic and one of the most outgoing and genuinely kind people I have ever met. I adore being around him and just talking with him. However, I believe that we're gonna be stuck at the friends level. How do I go about changing that reassurance? I want more - really, I do. I just can't seem to get there. Sad. Someday...

*muah*

Steel Vaults and Wet Pages

I feel a bit like a book that has been left in the rain...
The ink is running down the pages.
... Running together and twisting into words I can not clearly read any longer.
New words.


I'm okay with change, really. I actually enjoy healthy change here and there... but it is odd how nothing really fits to stay in one piece in my life. For whatever reason, Heavenly Father must have some plan for me when I am down winding these ever-changing roads called life.


Here are the four problems in short text: Stalker, just friends, girlfriend, and lacking beauty.

Someone I really care about told me how untrue the last statement was regarding my physical appearance. I wish I could understand the true meaning in their words... cause the other set of words cut much deeper. People can either hand you a flower or a knife with the words that they speak. I wish that more people were more careful and tender regarding the words they choose to say to other individuals. A flower makes someone smile and brightens a day... but a knife can KILL. I pray I will never again be too flippant with my words I choose, but embrace positivity in each statement I form.

Moving on, do you know what it is like to be so different from a close friend? You wish that they could understand... and they just can't. No matter their reasons or relations to your feelings from their's, they are just DIFFERENT. There is nothing wrong with that, but it means that they can not help you.

The hard part is when YOU desperately need to vent (for once, cause it is usually pent up and locked away) and it turns into being about them each time you try. There's another knife... I can't explain it... but I can not seem to find someone who truly understands.

Another subject, do you know what it is like to always be the "best friend," and nothing more? You know, that gets kinda tough. You would think I could catch a break when I have so many great friends and individuals surrounding me. It just isn't in the clearing right now...

I'm getting to the point where my vault is shut, and because or frustration and pain, my mind has grown clouded... and I have ceased knowing the combination to open up again.

I wonder who will be the one to crack the code... cause I truly don't know what it is anymore.

*muah*

Another form of love is Passion...

There is a new question, which has grown to an obligation in my life. I must determine to discover, what are my passions? What really makes me tick - makes me happy and content?

1 - People. Anything involving others, whether it is talking with and getting to know them, serving them, teaching them, or simply being around them... I love people.

2 - Activities/Events. I love events and having plans for things to do. It could be something really fun or a business related event, and regardless I love it all the same.

3 - Planning and Leading. I love being in charge and planning the events and activities, and I love making things happen. I am not always the best with innovative and creative ideas, but give me one and I will run with it. I love to take new, innovative plans and expand upon the basic ideas... I'm good at that and I enjoy it immensely.

4 - The gospel. Perhaps this should have been written first, because it is ultimately first in my heart. However, I did not write it first. I love the gospel though... I love talking about it with others and teaching others doctrine. I love discussing ideas and concepts... I love the feeling I have when I share my testimony or when I learn something from another's testimony. I feel passionate about the gospel in a unique way that can't be described fully.

5 - Family. I am passionate about my family currently and the one I will someday create. I love my family with all of my heart because I know that no matter what, THEY are by me. When all of my friendships and relationships shatter, my family remains strong in their faith for me. They love me, and for that reason alone, I know things are always going to be alright. However, the family I will create someday with someone who loves me completely and understands my heart on a level no one could muster the strength to do... That is what I am really passionate about. The children I will one day raise and love... Understanding the love my Savior has for me with more clarity because I have them... That is what I am really passionate about.

There is some idea of passion for you. Now, I must decide how that really applies to me and the what I want to do with that passion. I also am passionate about music, film, football, and politics...

I was driving around the neighborhood tonight, and kind of talking with my Heavenly Father out loud. Luckily no other cars were around or they would have thought I was crazy and talking to myself... :) Anyway, I decided that I only partially know who I am. I KNOW that I am a Child of God and that I am here on this earth now, but will one day live with him again. I know that I am talented in many areas, outgoing, fun to be around, and witty when I want to be. I know that I am smart, but I don't always use that to my advantage, and that I am very good with people - with reading their emotions and needs, but not their signals necessarily. I know that I write well and am thoughtful - I know that I care about others.

... but what do I really want from life? What do I really want to be? Who is Linze really - REALLY?

What a though, eh? All this time, I thought that I knew.

*muah*

The All-Unknowing

I'm not sure exactly what I want to say or why I am writing, other than that I feel I must do so. I'm feeling... ----insert word here--- today. Meaning, that I can not seem to figure out how I am feeling exactly. I am feeling somewhat pensive, somewhat unsurprised, and somewhat lost. It's a weird combination of canceling feelings. I wish that I could explain how helpless I am when it comes to making things happen in my life for myself. Every time that I seem to take a chance on something, it falters, and falls through... but falls through what?

I have lots of anxiety lately over making big decisions in my life. Every time I decide something, every one around me states their objection or utter approval, with no in between. You would think that this would be a positive thing, but... it makes it hard sometimes. Today in church, we had a questionnaire time with the stake presidency. Well, they were talking about marriage and missions and I asked, "What if you prayed and aren't suppose to go right now, but still want to go... should you ask again eventually?" They talked about that and then talked more about the possibilities of marriage. That's not here for me right now, and that's okay with me, really. However, everyone always makes it sound like this - It is either a mission or marriage. There is no other choice as important in a woman's life and those are the two things we should be deciding between. If we have no one to marry, we should be on a mission. If a mission is a "no," then we are probably getting married soon... I'm not getting married soon.

I know this ISN'T the way it is, but it feels that way. I feel like I'm doing something wrong because I'm not on a mission and not anywhere close to even ever dating someone seriously. I just don't get it. I'm not sure what to do anymore... I keep "figuring things out" and deciding things need to change or be done, but it doesn't change my circumstances and decisions. I stand alone and confused... still. I'm NOT going on a mission right now - and that's okay. However, I am not even dating anyone... and that's okay. Isn't it?

Why does everything that people say to me make me feel like it isn't?
Why do I still feel as though I am doing something WRONG... when I'm not?

I don't know as much as I thought I did.
*muah*

Splinter

There are two points to the story which hit me today... One, that I know everything happens in the Lord's own time, but still I struggle with understanding sometimes. Two, I am completely unsure as to if I am affecting the Lord's time when it comes to myself and relationships.

I know that the Lord knows me well beyond how well I even know myself, and that he knows when things will work out for me with school, careers, and relationships. He puts up road blocks for us to learn and grow from, but also helps us pass through or get around the blocks rather than just removing them so we do not learn anything. However, sometimes I think that I put up my own road blocks and Heavenly Father must often look down and think, "Gee. Thanks, Linze. I didn't have to do anything - you did it to yourself. Want my help now to get out of it?"

Two sets of lyrics struck me with this upcoming thought:

ONE: (August Rush)
Someday, someday
we’ll be together
someday, someday
we’ll be together
I heard someday
might be today
mysteries of destinies they
are somehow
and are someway
for all we know
they come tomorrow
for today

TWO: (Taylor Swift)
... And there he goes,
so perfectly,
The kind of flawless I wish I could be...
So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do
He's the time taken up, but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into..

Now, here is the thought: How am I not able to give my heart to anyone? In reality, I have cared about many people and others have cared about me in return. However, I have failed miserably at finding someone who has "enough of me to break my heart." I think at times I have felt a piece of that, and have truly loved some individuals with all my heart... but have still ceased to ever be "in love." I have ceased to find someone to give the entire heart to... Instead, I feel that my heart has never been shattered, but chipped away around the edges and has never had the opportunity given to paste those slivered fragments back into place with a "new, improved for me" glue.

How Long Will I Wait? (Felicia Sorenson)
If there were a hidden secret,
To show me the way to you -
Then I'd be the first to follow,
but how long would I wait for you?
I have been around this world,
living on my own.
And I have learned there's more to life,
then being alone...
There's a place inside my heart
that's meant for only you.
And everyday I know you're closer,
but how long will I wait for you?

I really am content for the most part in my continually single status, even though I am 22 and still do not know what it is like to be in love. However, there comes times, a few times today especially, where I realize that ALL of my friends are having or have had some success, and I am still failing miserably at the game. There was a quote in the movie I saw tonight, August Rush, where the main girl's best friend asks when the main girl will let herself be happy. Then she states, "I mean, after everyone has gone home..." I'm kind of like that sometimes. I always put on a happy face, because I really am happy for the most part, but never let onto the pain I feel in that I am always alone.

I have never felt the comfort of long arms wrapped around me and the words "I love you" spoken in that special moment. I am sure that someday I will, but perhaps I set up a road-block here and don't allow someone to have enough of my heart to truly break it. That is a SCARY thing... but being alone forever, is become far more petrifying.

*muah*
- Linze Kate

Passion

So, I was chatting with my friend Drew today and I realized that I have passions for everything! These passions come, and don't go, but shift in importance according to the time in my life. See, I was driving through Salt Lake after my Stats class at the Salt Lake Center and thought to myself, "I could live right here in this very square... It has the Temple (the most important thing to me) and the LDS Conference Center, the Delta Center for sporting events and concerts (entertainment right there), and the capital building, all in a few blocks from one another. What else do you need?" Haha! I was relating that story back to some friends in the SHA office, and stated that this created all of my greatest passions. Drew said, "Linze, that's pretty much EVERYTHING right there! What do you not hold a passion for?"

He's right. I love everything around me and switch in my passions according to what I am involved with or surrounded by at the time. I did ALWAYS hold a passion for music, and I love theater. However, my passion for theatrical experience was stronger when I began my major. Now, as I am heading into communications, my interests still include theater, but politics and leadership roles have come to the forefront in my life. When I am more involved in Cougar United, I am obsessed with sports... I enjoy them thoroughly now, but I'm not as passionate - you know? I wonder if others find their passions encompass a lot and shift a lot... eh!

I use to be that way with friends, but it has gotten a lot better for me. I no longer feel the need to shift and change my group of friends, but I still love meeting and getting to know new people. I think that this need for change and shifting comes from moving so much as a young child. Perhaps I felt that I couldn't hold to anything for too long because I would lose it anyway... If I didn't hold on too tight, then it won't hurt as bad when I have to sad good-bye. Do I do a similar thing with passions and interests? Hm.....

I was contemplating this as I drove to my actual home tonight. I think that this need to detach myself carries forth in romantic relationships. There is this deep-seeded fear I hold that if I grow too close to someone I will eventually have to let go, and giving myself fully (heart and soul) to another individual is scary enough without believing it won't last before it has even begun... I didn't realize that I felt this way until tonight... I thought I was okay with relationships. I think that now, I am just starting to be... It took me realizing it to start the process of surpassing that. Interesting...

Hands slip, hearts hold...
With you I understand what faith is.

*muah*