It’s quite amazing how life
recycles itself if you let it. It’s
like a really great, or really terrible, fashion trend. Every few decades it recycles and becomes a
“new fad” or “hip fashion.” Like life,
if we allow it, our situations recycle themselves and come back into play. This can be a great thing… Or a debilitating
road-block.
I was re-reading some of my old blog entries, attempting to find
something for a class, and saw a few things that made me smile just a bit…. The
first was this entry from 2008:
“Here is how I feel, right now, this moment. I feel scared, lonely,
tired, drained, confused, elated, hopeful, happy, angry, frustrated,
discontent, thoughtful, half-baked, wanting, lost... I feel SO many mixed
emotions, I have ceased having the ability to make any clear decisions. I wish
I could explain in means that were intelligible... Right now, I am describing
my feelings as clear as mud. Well, the mud is getting thicker and stickier, and
I'm slowly sinking...
It boils down to this. I cannot seem to gain a
new future or let go of the past. I cannot seem to live for tomorrow, but am constantly in the future or
the past... I am filled with worry and doubt, and that is not a very
"Linze" thing to feel. Everyone turns to me for strength and understanding... Not
this time. Who do I turn to?
Heavenly Father, of course...
and yet, I feel as though he has given me the reins on this one and now I am
lost in the desert with only a dying horse to guide me back... I have to choose
the paths, and he wants me to learn from each dead end and round-about I encounter.
One day I will look back and be overwhelmingly
grateful for these experiences and emotions, but for now I remain in a level of
pain. Yes, that's the way to describe the state I am in: One of pain. I thought
that was an exaggeration, and it may be, but I am hurting right now and can't
seem to find the treatment or medication to numb the pain and heal the wound.
Perhaps, tomorrow?”
Now, I have NOT felt in a lot of pain this past year – on the contrary,
I have been relieving that pain in so many ways over the past year. What’s interesting is the feelings of
confusion and the middle of this entry (which, in retrospective, I have
realized is highly dramatic to put on social media…). I say, “. I cannot seem to gain a new future
or let go of the past. I cannot seem to live for tomorrow, but am constantly in
the future or the past... I am filled with worry and doubt, and that is not a
very "Linze" thing to feel.”
Well, truth be told this HAS been a very “Linze” thing to feel. Looking
back at my life, I have allowed myself to be filled with worry and doubt over
every little thing instead of trusting myself and my Heavenly Father a lot
more. I know “it’s a process”
sometimes, but why make everything so complicated? Why
when I know deep down what I want, do I fight it because I’m scared it “might
be the wrong choice?” I do this a
lot, and thus, bring on a lot of worry and unneeded stress – and waste a lot of
valuable time. I’m not saying I’ve got
the perfect answer to not worrying ever again, but I’m starting to see the true
benefit in self-trust and really
trusting my Father in Heaven. I’ve seen
the benefit in letting go of what you can’t control and taking charge of what
you can while having faith in yourself.
Another interesting article I wrote in 2008 was my personal goals and
mission statement:
“Next Year: I would ideally like to be working
for a company I enjoy being involved with and making at least $40, 000 a year.
I would like to be heading back to school to complete my Master's Degree,
either in Comms or getting my MPA. I would also like to have paid off all of
all of my undergraduate loans, live outside of my home again, and own my first
car.
Three Years: Be graduated with my Master's Degree and be working in
an established events planning/PR job that is making $60,000+ a year. Spend at
least a few months living in LA or DC!
Five Years: Have moved up in the company and be in established position, in a
significant leadership role. Married; This could happen around the three year
mark as well, but I don't know that it will. We'll see.
Ten Years: Married with a few children. Working from home for an
events business and improving in my knowledge of event and social trends.
Preparing to fund my and open my own events planning business!
From there, who knows if I will be in events or
education... I enjoy both, and we will see where life leads me. Of course, a
few things will change my time-line... One) If I go on a mission 2) If/when I
have my own family they will be numero uno on my list of priorities. So, that
will fit in more and more to my list as I get married and have children... I
wish I could plot that on my time-line. Haha! I would love to be secure enough
with my husband's income to not have to work, but still get to work - if your know what
I mean. I really LOVE working
and staying busy, so I would love to still be doing a little something... Even
if it is simply aiding in my child's Kindergarten class! Haha...
Now, enough of life planning for now. I still have yet to make a Mission
Statement for my life... So, I shall give it a shot, but probably do a lot of
revising over the course of the week to perfect it:
MISSION STATEMENT: MY
LIFE
The mission of Linze Struiksma is to grow and progress
toward perfection in pursuit for eternal life. I will live a life full of
intensive learning and development as I surround myself with motivating and
positive settings and individuals. My commitment to excellence will be
shown through my service to others, especially my family. I will maintain
a balanced life by being a well-rounded individual – educated in the arts,
sports, the political arena, history, current events around the world, and of
course, the gospel of Jesus Christ. I will teach my family and friends to
do the same within their lives.
To succeed in this mission, I will not fear change and
progression within the workplace, church or internally. I will be kind and
understanding of all those I come in contact with, as I strive to continually
improve my networking abilities and relationships with others. Effective
communication, open honesty, and genuine trust will be the foundation for any
established relationship. I will always remember to be open-minded and
understanding to new ideas or cultures. I will maintain flexibility and
patience as new situations are placed in front of me.
My life will be lived to experience true happiness and help
others enjoy each day! I will show gratitude to those around me, and tell
those close to me how much I love and appreciate them each day. My
positive attitude and genuine concern for the individual are to be shared
openly with others. I will use my drive, passions, and talents to bless my
family and the lives of others – I will share the gift of music and
communication with the world. I will teach others to fight for what they
believe in, and chase their truest desires by doing so for myself.
I will strive to be a constant example of truth and light to
all those I come in contact with, and share my testimony through my actions. I
will raise my family to have integrity and live in correspondence with these
eternal truths. My educational, occupational, and personal goals are to be
centered on my desire to grow closer to my Savior, and become who I was meant
to be. Personal responsibilities must always lie in serving others in each
project I undertake and decision that I make; doing so will bring me closer to
Christ. I will make every effort to convey happiness in my home and social
situations, and bring strength to those around me.”
WOW. Can I just say…
life has changed. Life has NOT gone to
plan… and for that I am SO grateful. I
could have been “fine,” in a PR job – I would have been great at it!
I wouldn't have been as happy. I have made certain choices in my life that
led me down other paths, and I’m not sad about that at all. Germany through a wrench into everything I
had planned, and it was the best detour I could have asked for in my life. I grew and developed there, and become a
fuller version of myself. Upon returning
to the USA, I have loved teaching and my Master’s Program at Westminster was an
AMAZING choice for me. I met incredible
people, had amazing experiences, learned a lot about social and political
structures, formed more clear opinions, and grow in understanding myself more
fully. Teaching has been fun, and hard,
and a time for personal reflection.
But, my goals were completely shattered with those
choices. My one, three, five, and ten
year plans, changed and developed into a better plan. Goals are fabulous, but sometimes, you have
to reevaluate and close certain doors so you can walk through another
door. Sometimes, you have to be honest with yourself and let go of a sub-par
plan because you want something more, something BEST, for yourself…
I have other dreams
that have always been screaming at me from the field, as I slowly walk along
the sidelines. These dreams are begging
me to finally give in and play the game – gear up and run with it! I've been scared. I've recycled all that fear and the previous
years of my life and let it ride with me in my journey… Well, this past year, I
started to slowly drop it off where it belongs – the dump. I wish I had just opened the car door at 60
mph and pushed it out of “the journey mobile,” but it was already riding with
me… and so I was scared to let go of the fear.
Promise, this sounds clear in my head.
Here’s the hoping it works on paper too.
Well, yesterday I had a little epiphany. After a slow drive with the music turned down
and talking to God, I realized, I have to close some doors. I have to do what’s best for ME and what I
want from this life (and the next)… I have to move forward and push fear out
the window – and just like that, it disappeared. I’m not saying it’ll never try and slide back
into the passenger seat, but I’m actively filling that seat and all the other
seats in my “journey mobile” with other things so there’s no room for it… That
seat will be filled with Faith, Trust, Self-Worth, Belief, Confidence,
Determination, Hard-work, and Passion.
As for the MOST fascinating part, my goals may have been thrown for a loop, but my personal mission
statement is the same. Read it
again. In honesty, I am still the same
ME. I am just a more developed, better
version, TRUER version, of myself. I
still want to be a great person and leader who will make a difference, who has
a strong relationship and focus on Christ, and uses my talents in music and
character to grow and develop myself and others. I still want to have a great family and let
others know they are loved by being open-minded and happy. I simply have new passengers with me on the
journey and my ride is already feeling much more optimistic and
progressive.
Moral of the
ten-year-in-the-making story: Don’t wait to close the door on fear... In
fact, don’t wait.
*muah*
Song of the Day: My most recent cover is here, so I’m going to
share it! Here is a song called "Anyway," from a new musical, Tales From the Bad Years. I'm a huge fan of Kerrigan-Lowdermilk's work and encourage you to look up some of their other songs. Please take a listen and enjoy!
