Sometimes You NEED to Give Up...

Being a successful musician is all about giving up.  Yep, you read that right... it's all about giving up.

To be a successful musician, or success in anything for that matter, one must give up there following (amongst other things...):

1.  Fear.  Becoming a success requires giving up on any fear you may feel and embracing the faith you have in yourself and your goals.  Fear isn't real anyway, right?  Thus, why do we allow it into our lives... Why do we allow a useless and imaginary emotion to rule over any space in our minds?  I am in no way claiming to be perfect with letting go of my internal fear, though I am monumentally better.  I have the made the decision that when fear begins to creep in to recognize and simultaneously dismiss its presence.  In the words of Will Smith's After Earth character,

“Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity... Do not misunderstand me, danger is very real, but fear is a choice. We are all telling ourselves a story and that day mine changed.”

2.  Wasting Time.  Becoming a success requires giving up wasting time.  It's not so much giving up TIME itself - it's putting it to better use.  It's removing the choices that waste our time.  You have to give up some of those wasted nights of Netflix and chill, or nights sitting around with friends at a party.  You can have those nights, just few and far between if you want to be truly successful.

3. Worry.  Becoming a success requires giving up the habit of worrying.  There's a quote I love to tell my students (and self) by Walt Disney that says,

"Why worry?  If you've done the very best you can, worrying won't make it any better."  

You have to put in the work and let the universe do its work... There's an amount of trust in self, others, God, the universe, etc. that is required in giving up worry, and that can be difficult.  However, it can be done.  Another quote regarding worry, which recently struck me is from Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.  One of the main characters states,

"Worrying is just suffering twice."  

Instantly I understood that worrying goes back to wasting time and energy... It dozens't solve the problem, just makes you live inside of it... no one that miserable can be successful.

4.  Laziness.  Becoming a success requires giving up on laziness.  You have to put in the hard work and energy to become successful.  Success doesn't just fall into one's lap, even if they're naturally good at things. Kevin Durant once said,

"Hard work beats talent when talent doesn't work hard."  

Imagine if someone WAS amazing naturally at something - sports, singing, math - and they ALSO put in the hard work to be successful and advanced in that skill set... They would be incredible.  This wasn't something I learned until later in life, and I wish I had learned it sooner.  I was naturally good at things as a kid - almost always got the solo in a song, the part in a play I wanted, and made the teams I tried-out for during middle and high school.  I was also naturally good in school at most subjects... aside from chemistry.  It was a blessed curse, because I could skim by most of the time and still defeat those around me... kinda cool, but when I was pushed later, I collapsed into myself.

I've never been a "lazy" person by any means, but I learned the true meaning of HARD work in college and past, and I'm grateful I didn't completely give-up on myself.  However, I gave up on goals for a few years because I was terrified of failure...  See how these all tie together?  Fear means wasting time from worry, creating a lazy pattern and bleeding into my final point... 

5.  Negativity.  Becoming a success requires giving up on negativity.  Your mind is SO powerful... You truly become what you determine you want to become.  Your thoughts drive your actions, which develop your life into the playground you'll live on.

"Whether you think you can or you can not, you are right." - Henry Ford

The mind is SO powerful... 

If you have negative self-beliefs, they hold you back from reaching your full potential... If you have negative attitudes about outcomes, people, places, etc. those attitudes can hold you back from not only enjoyment of the moment, but connecting to others or the process before you.  If you have negative friends, it affects your relationships to them, others, and self.  If you have negative self-beliefs those can be projected on to others and formulate a negative reality... Switch it up!  Turn those negative thoughts around and realize all you're blessed with and blessed to be.  We have an amazing world around us and incredible potential inside of us... use both and think about what could GO RIGHT, and not what could go wrong.  BELIEVE.

There are probably a lot of other things you have to give up to be successful - in fact, this article tells 13 pretty great things to give up, but I found it post writing these out when searching for the picture below:

https://medium.com/personal-growth/13-things-you-need-to-give-up-if-you-want-to-be-successful-44b5b9b06a26

Also, these five listed are the main things that come to my mind in reaching success.  I have a long way to go until I am where I want to be career-wise, musically, financially, body/health-wise, and in my all abilities, however, I feel like as I have been learning to give these things away in more and more areas of my life, I am happier and healthier, which is the first step to calling my life a success.  We are all meant for amazing things and success, even if it genuinely look different for each person... we are meant for greatness, so believe in that and give up on certain things to give room for all you need to gain.

I leave you with this quote, which may appear oxymoronical, but I assure you contributes to the article:

What will you GAIN from giving up?
*muah*

Song of the Day: I've recently become obsessed with the musical Dear Evan Hansen, as half of America has done, and there are many stand out songs from that show.  To choose just one... I think the current one I'm in awe of, if I have to choose one, is "You Will Be Found," featuring Ben Platt.   We have ALL felt like what he is describing, but he's right - you'll be found.  Check it out... :)

The Phoenix

A few months ago, I made a change to my body that many of my friends became vocal about - for better or for worse.  I got inked.

For the most part, friends have been overwhelmingly supportive of me making this decision for myself, esp. as they recognize the time and energy that went into choosing the specific design, the colors, the style, the shop, the artist... It was all with an intent to be highly symbolic and therefore, needed to be specific.

I've wanted to get a Phoenix tattoo since last Fall.  2015 was a pretty difficult year for me, and in all honesty, the last few years have been hugely life-changing with many directional switches.  In late 2013 I began lifting and clean eating.  I began to switch my body's routines and the way I looked at overall health.  From that choice, the other parts of my body began to show their issues.  In two years time I had completed four major surgeries - gallbladder, knee, shoulder, and ending with brain. Additionally, I was diagnosed with Lyme disease in March of 2015.  Brain surgery was perhaps one of the most difficult surgeries for many around me, and yet the easiest for me... I knew when they found the aneurysm it would probably equal a surgery, and instead of fear, for the first time I fully embraced TRUST.  It probably helped that I had been through the other three surgeries, so perhaps they were blessings in disguise.  I just KNEW Heavenly Father was going to take care of me... I knew I was suppose to do the surgery, and I knew God wasn't done with me here on earth.  I knew I was going to be okay.

Some know this story... About 10 minutes before the surgery happened the doctor came in and told me he needed me to sign an extra paper.  My brain was shaped differently than any other brain he had worked on in his 17 (I think that was the number...) years practicing and he wasn't sure how the procedure would react with my brain.  It could mean another surgery, or even more severe issues (like paralyzed limbs) if it went poorly... or everything could be fine.  I signed without a second thought and when asked how it was so easy or didn't I want to think about it, I said I already knew what the right choice was for me.  I had prayed about it and God had been clear... This was the surgery I needed to become the healthiest and happiest me.  Six months later at the post-op check-in, I was cleared of any sign there had been an aneurysm.  I know I am meant to share that story and encourage others to fully trust in their Lord even when scared or unsure as to what will happen.  It's also often a much needed reminder for me....

I wish I could say this was all the tattoo was about, however, there are SO many other things that happened during that year, and some of them I'm not ready to share publicly... some I'm just become brave enough to talk about out loud.  A few weeks after my brain surgery, I had an incident where I was sexually assaulted.  I have a hard time saying rape, and sexual assault feels safer... even though the incident itself wasn't safe.  Weird how our brain thinks the way it does - almost self-preserves and protects you emotionally.  However, sometimes, I believe my brain OVER does this protection...  and I'm just now in life learning the power of letting it out.  I experienced rape, and it was terrifying, traumatic, a little devastating, and demoralizing.  I felt guilty - you'll never understand fully, but you question over and over again if it really IS your fault... and if this means you're a weak person.  After the experience, you question your worth, your independence, your intelligence, your gut... you question EVERYTHING. 

It's awful, and it's really hard to come back from... but completely do-able. It just takes a little emotional and spiritual rebuild.

Each experience of 2015 made me stronger and forced me to rebuild.  I am not the person I was these few short years ago, and though I am grateful for the changes and new strength, I can not deny the happenings in life did indeed burn me and cause need for rebirth.  Thus, the need for my phoenix.

"From the ash I am born again, forever safe in the Savior's hand..."

I feel like through some choices, and some happenings, I was burned.  I was buried in my ash.  I was, indeed, reborn.  THAT is why I choose the phoenix.  It stands as a permanent reminder that I CAN do hard things... that I have the ability to make it thorough anything.

We joke, "If Britney Spears could survive 2007, I can survive anything."  I'm here in all seriousness to say, if I can survive 2015, I can survive and do anything... and so can you.
*muah*

Song of the Day: "Alive" by Hillsong United... singing it in church on the 19th and a little bit of my inspiration for today's post. :)

Here We Go, 2017... Here We Go.

As 2016 comes to a close, I have recognized how many ways I am blessed and successful.
1 - I am in the best shape of my life so far - I can run harder and for longer than ever before.  I also went the entire year without a surgery!
2 - I have the ability to chase my music dreams and work on my voice every day.  I even wrote songs and performed an original for a live audience - twice!  I also have a job/career currently that I LOVE and am good at doing.
3 - I have an awesome place to myself and am loving living on my own and experiencing "adulthood."
4 - I went to Europe this year and have the ability to travel and see the world, plus see the people I love around the world.
5 - I read some incredible books, wrote some fun songs, created new friendships, and grew as a person.  I really am learning to accept ALL part of myself and love who I am becoming.
6 - I increased my spirituality and embraced what and how I worship and believe in my Savior... and I became okay with believing in my own way.

There was also hardships and lots of learning to be on my own.  I'm understanding how I struggle being alone, and yet need that time in moments.  I've come to embrace it, and know I need to go even further with that skill.  Life changed for the better in so many ways, and yet, has been emotionally hard with those changes.  As the highly emotional individual I am, change is SO good for me, and yet very hard for me.  It's a love/hate relationship...

As I dive into 2017, I have goals and ambitions that I didn't set for the new year, but have already been working on.  I'm just excited to see the change point from where I'm at in the year's time.

1 - I want to be in the best shape of my life- again!  Just further in my goals.  I want a lower body fat percentage and I want to be even more comfortable in my own skin.  I want for of the physical look I desire.  I also want to run faster and play sports with more coordination and quick-thinking skills.
2 - I want to keep improving my voice, and I want to DO something with it.  I want to create an EP album and audition for shows.  I want to use my talent fully and grow in recognition for doing so.  I want to perform all over and increase those opportunities. I want to learn how to market and brand myself as a professional.
3 - I want to go to San Francisco.  Never been, and I want to check it off my list.
4 - I want to grow in my social sphere and meet some other people I can connect with and form new relationships, while I strengthen the old ones. I want to be a better friend by being honest with myself and others.  I want to not put expectations on others and not wait on anyone else to make decisions.
5 - I want all my "wants" to be "WILLS," and they will be. :)

I love the New Year just because it's a visual reset... just remember, every day is that reset.  Every day is a clean start and a new beginning. :)
*muah*

Expectations

Expectations are the death of a happy soul.

I was speaking with a friend the other day about my experience in Prague, and I realized something... I had the MOST amazing time and fell in love with that city for one reason - I had NO expectations about the city and the trip. I arrived solo, taking a night train from Koln to Prague city center, found my hostel and checked out local surroundings for a bit before a friend arrived and hiked around the city with me for a day and a half. We ate amazing food, saw the famous castle and city sights, and even went to a Czeck Musical! After that, I spent another two days just taking in the city and wondering around wherever I wanted to go, ate at random places, and watched a lot of street performers... It was lovely, and made all the better because I had NO expectation of how things "should" go on the trip or what I "should" do with my time. Sure, I had a list of the different sights I wanted to potentially see, list of foods to taste while there... however, there was no expectation of the "perfect trip."

After this chat, I read an article in Entrepreneur.com and it said the following:

"What did Epictetus, the great Stoic philosopher, say way back in the first century AD?
 - 'People are disturbed not by things, but by the views they take of them.' 

What did Shakespeare write in "Hamlet"?
 - 'There's nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.'

How about the Buddha?
 - 'We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world.'"

They are all so spot on... WE create our perceptions and therefore, the feelings we are having of frustration about the way an event turned out, or how an individual is acting. We have a view of how things "should" go, and it ruins our ability to live in the moment and be okay with how things really ARE going. 

Expectations rarely give us happiness, and therefore... I'm giving up on expectations. There are some key things I shall request/demand in my life if someone wants to stay in my life, however, expecting someone to acting exactly the way I imagine it in my mind is only going to lead to disappointment when people make a different choice or mess-up. We're all human - we don't handle situations perfectly every time. Therefore, if I allow myself to experience a situation and react accordingly, I feel as though I can live with a lot less disappointment and unfulfilled desires.

When it comes to things in my life coming to fruition, I work hard to make them happen - I don't expect them to happen because I have talent or an opportunity. I will allow myself to be in the moment and feel the genuine emotions of that experience... not what I believe I "should" feel or want to feel. That's putting your happiness in the hands of a specific situation or person... and I want to choose my happiness and let it be genuinely present. And, how much more real is that?! I'm not anticipating an emotional reaction or response - I'm letting it naturally come forth. Healthier and happier approach in my mind...

There's a difference between advocating for high results with jobs, events, friends, dating, etc.... However, I'm digging this idea of letting life be what it is and having zero expectations. I've read "always have hope, though never expect." I can live by that rule. :)

 *muah* 

Song of the Day: Love this song, even if it's over-played to some... and it kinda goes with the topic - "Let It Go" by James Bay, and covered by yours truly. :) Enjoy!

Sidenote:  I'm halfway to 31 today! :)  AND, guess what my fortune said this morning...?  "As soon as you feel too old to do a thing, do it."  DONE.

And So, I Will... My Ode to 2015!

I took some time for self-reflection over this week, approaching the New Year, and realized a few things.  I have a lot of growth left to go in order to achieve my goals.  I have some lofty goals, especially in the areas of fitness and personal/career.  I know what I really want, and it's going to take even more dedication than I have put forward and even greater amounts of work.  That being said, I want to take a moment to recognize I kicked 2015's ass.... I mean, I really brought my own in 2015.  I know that I have SO much more work to do, and I will do it... however, I also want to recognize how far I've come.

During the year 2015, I hit the lowest weight and size I have been since High School.  I do not remember a time I was quite this healthy, in fact.  I have come to recognize that weight isn't everything, and nor is size, but health and fitness mean SO much more.  I do not win some grand prize form being below 200 pounds or being a size 10, but I feel accomplished and driven.  I want to be even further in my goals with fitness - to have the body I really want to have the ability to do certain things without so much strain... and so, I will.  

During 2015, I signed-up for a competitive team sports league... that doesn't start till 2016, but STILL!  That's a huge feat for me... I never believed I would do that again unless it was kickball.  I basically willingly signed-up to go running for an hour straight every Sunday night.  In preparation, I have even been getting up before school at 5:15am to do cardio before work and increase my endurance.  Yea... if you know me at ALL, that's dedication right there... mornings. 

During the year 2015, I grew at lot as a musical artist.  I put a LOT more genuine focus on my YouTube channel and growing in who I want to be as a musical artist.  My voice has improved and gotten back into greater shape.  I made over 40 cover videos and played a handful of live shows.  I sang the national anthem at 9 big events.  I began singing with my worship team at SMCC, and experienced and embraced new kinds of music.  I want to be further with my music goals, and this year I want to release and EP, never miss a #nmm (#newmusicmonday), and play at least one live show a month... and so, I will.

During the year 2015,  Scott Alan picked me as a finalist for his trip to London to sing with him at the Hippodrome.  He named me as his #3 choice and posted my video.  And, although I felt that I wasn't suppose to go for many reasons... I know I am good enough to sing on his stage and many to come.  I want to continue in my dreams with music... and so, I will.  

During the year 2015,  I grew closer to my Savior.  I grew to understand what Christ really is to me as a Savior and comforter... I learned what it meant to put FULL FAITH in my Heavenly Father and trust He had me - that He would guide me.  I began a Bible Study class and have taken to really understanding the New Testament, and how it can help me be a better individual/follower of Christ.  I am STILL working on trusting God in all aspects of my life, but when I struggle, I will always come back to a few moments of 2015 to remind me of His power and my need to trust... 

During the year 2015, I survived brain surgery.  I don't wanna toot my own horn, but that's a pretty bad-ass ice-breaker if I ever heard one before.  The best part, I wasn't even fearful because I sincerely knew that in this instance God had my back... He always does, I simply am still learning to believe that's the case.  I knew what He wanted for me, and knew I had more to give to the world, so I went in with total peace in my heart that whatever happened was His will... and it was.  I am healthier and happier now, and I want to continue to improve my health each day... and so, I will.

During the year 2015, I started to fight Lyme Disease.  It's exhausting.  I put on a strong face a lot in my life - always have and always will - however, I will be brutally honest here for a moment and say that Lyme is draining... fighting Lyme is draining.  I'm tired a lot.  I feel sick a lot.  It makes me struggle to eat or want to eat, and it messes with my weight-loss goals... but I'm gonna defeat it and be the master of my own body.  I recently read a book about how to eat specifically to aid in fighting Lyme - and got rid of a chunk of my food.  I want to learn how to live with Lyme and still function at optimal capacity... and so, I will.  

During 2015, I directed an amazing musical.  

During 2015, I ran SoF with gnarly food-posioning.  

During 2015, I learned to stand up for myself.

During 2015, I showed friends how to lift weights, when two years ago, I had no idea.

During 2015, I had moments of weakness and moments of strength.

During 2015, I overcame unimaginable moments of self-defeat. 

During 2015, I formed more of who I truly am as a human being and child of God.  

During 2015, I tasted success, ran from it, tasted it again, and am learning how to embrace it. 

During 2015, I effed up... and I figured it out.

During the year 2015, I grew a lot.  This was a year of developing and deciding for myself who I really want to be.  We all make statements about what we're going to do, and I've been doing this for awhile now.  I may still be figuring out all the puzzle pieces, but hey... actions do speak louder than words.  I want to be SO much greater in all areas of my life than I am currently in... and so, I will.

*muah*

Song of the Day: The cover that got me recognized by Scott Alan, even more so than his own song I covered, was "How Will I Know," Sam Smith's version of Whitney's classic.  The nicest part, is I just sang it on a whim... completely what I wanted in the moment.  THAT is my goal for 2016 - to sing whatever the hell I want whenever I want to sing it... Here's a little sneak peak of my first cover for #newmusicmonday in 2016, which I covered that evening simply because it felt like the right thing to sing right then - Justin Bieber's "Love Yourself..."  Enjoy and check out the full video on Monday! :)

Realizations of Me

Things I have learned about myself as of late...

1) I am fairly patient with others, and not at all patient with myself.  Why are we often more cruel to ourselves than to others?  Honestly, I think I have spent so much time in the past few years beating myself up with negative, internal comments or thoughts, and I've finally learned how detrimental that can be to my progression.  I have learned the power in positive thinking and positive self-speak.  When I am helping someone else with a project or self-improvement, I recognize it's a journey and encourage them to be kind to themselves and show patience... However, with myself I have a tendency to demand insta-results... It's unfair to my mindset.  I'm letting go of the impatience I have with myself in all areas of my progression- my fitness journey, my music, my emotional understanding of myself, etc... I deserve the kindness with myself that I give to others, and, "Life ain't a track meet, it's a marathon."

2) I have trouble slowing down.  I walk fast - I drive fast - I move fast.. and I struggle to slow down and just move at a "normal" pace.  A few of my friends have commented about this over the past few years, but I realized this more so at the amusement park this past month.  I was almost always walking way ahead of my family and a few times conscientiously made an effort to slow down... It was rough.  Haha!  I'm not gonna say I couldn't do it, because I could... but my feet and heart just pulled me forward and kept my hustling and moving quickly.  I like to move quickly... and then take a moment and stop to catch the sunset or amazing moment.  In fact, one night in Florida, my brother, Cami, and I went to the park alone and on the way walking there, I just stopped and moved off the path... There was an Opera singer across the little river singing and sun was setting in the sky.  I said, "let's just stop a moment..." and we just listened and looked - stopped the world down for a second.  I don't mind stopping - not at all - I just mind that when there's movement, I don't seem to wanna move slowly... My goal?  Take a walk in nature every day, even if only for 5-10 minutes, and just let the moments get lost... embrace slowing down for a few. 

3) I don't fear a lot anymore, genuinely I have given the majority of my fear away... the one exception is I still fear wasting time, which I admittedly believe comes back to age.  This is interesting in that I have found little "time wasters" in my life and struggled to give them up at times.  However, overall, I have this fear of giving my time to things that may or may not turn out how I see them.  That being said, I had the realization that I am so grateful many things HAVEN'T turned out as I planned... It's all about trusting that the man upstairs truly knows what is best and trusting YOU in your decisions to go after the things you want in life.  If you want something, go for it... He'll stop you if it's wrong.  I know this, but I think I recently needed some reminders.  My plan is to cease thinking in terms of age- age really is going to be "just a number, after all - but really.

4) I am a strong woman.  I like to be tough.  I am also a marshmallow.  I've always said I'm "not a crier," and I'm not a crier in certain aspects.  I don't often cry over death.  I don't often cry over pain.  However, I cry during Pixar movies.  I cry when a song is so beautiful it speaks to what I'm going through or feeling.  I cry when I am really, really hurt or sad emotionally.  I cry when I feel a spiritual awakening moment.  It use to make me feel ashamed because I saw it as weak... I'm beginning to see it as a strength.  This does not mean I'm about to open the floodgates so everyone can watch me weep... but I'm going to embrace the beauty of tears when I need them and of just being an emotionally driven individual in general.

*muah*

Song of the Day: I'm currently obsessed with this Ed Sheeran and Tori Kelly's song, "I Was Made For Loving You."  It's a beautiful song and I had a blast covering it this past week... check out my version here and then look up the original. Great song - enjoy!

Things That I KNOW.

I know my Savior lives.  I know He lives and that He undoubtably loves me NO MATTER WHAT... He is in my corner.

I know my Father in Heaven wants me to succeed, and will guide me through all things in my life if I let Him - if I listen.  I have faith that He will lead me through my trails and keep me safe and protected if I merely give over my trust and faith to Him.  I have had trouble doing this in my life - REALLY trusting the Lord and not trying to control every aspect of my life.  These past few months, with everything that has happened in my life, I have HAD to give over a lot more control... It was HARD.  It IS hard sometimes... but once I do it, life is SO much more simple...

I know the Lord is there to catch me when I fall.  I know my Heavenly Father has sent a Savior to redeem me and even the playing field... through Him, I can do ALL things.  I can overcome all the proverbial and legitimate bull that life throws my way.  I CAN do hard things...

I've been doing morning meditation for the past six months, and let me tell you that one mantra I've been using is, "I am strong.  I am independent.  I am free.  I can do hard things."  It is through my Savior I have come to actually believe these morning statements.  I AM strong.  I AM independent.  I AM free.  I CAN do hard things..... because of HIM.

"What is impossible with men, is possible with God..." - Luke 18:27 --> My favorite.

Truth.  That is what this statement is - complete truth.

Another thought of truth - "A grateful heart is a magnet for miracles."  I could use s few of those- we all could... and so I'm taking the time to say THANK YOU to the man that matters most - the man that makes it all happen.  ALL things are possible with God...
*muah*

Song of the Day:  I have so many current song obsessions - choosing one is rough.  It must be done, however, so.... here's a girly anthem for summer that will drive most men nuts.  It's one of my current running and slow-drive jams!  Here is G.RL. with "Ugly Heart."  LOVE - Enjoy!

Half a Year.

Six months from today, I will be 30 years-old.  That's right - 30.

That's a third of 90.  That's half of 60.  Need me to do more math, because I can...

Point is, I have 6 months to do some epic shiz in attempt to make this the most epic birthday year ever because of the person I will be at that 30 year mark.  I've already made some incredibly big and poignant changes in the past two years, but things have gotten tighten up.  To quote a million rappers and famous athletes, "It's about to get real..."

Not because it wasn't real before, but because it's time for a higher level.  I'm not even gonna say, once the aneurysm is gone I'll get going... I'm starting TODAY.  Just watch the next six months play out... I'm ready for big things.

It's documented.  I'm accountable.

That is all.
*muah*

Song of the Day:  I discovered this girl the other evening - well, I think I had heard her before, but I finally listened to her whole CD - and I adore her.  I adore her sound, songs, and style... Here is Banks with "Beggin For Thread."  Enjoy!

Life Lemons = Damn Good Fish.

When life gives you lemons... Slice them up real nice and thin, place them on some fresh salmon with some roasted garlic, and bake for a half hour on 350.  I mean, why not, right? :) When life gives you lemons, make some damn good fish. 

Life has it's fair share of ups and downs, but what's interesting is learning how powerful the mind can be during these roller coaster rides.  I had my fair share or bad moments last week, but I also took some time to relish in the sweetness of where my life is right now.  I have a fantastic job at a school I love, with kids I adore, and was blessed enough to win our Region Theatre Competition after a few weeks of hard-work and dedication.  So proud... 

I can drive in my fully-paid-off Escape with the windows and sunroof down, because the weather is glorious and the sun is shining.  Well, today there is rain, but thank goodness for moisture and future greeness, right?!  I can smell the flowers and see the tress blossoming with Spring - it's gorgeous.  

I have the ability to make music and do what I love by singing, learning to record, and growing in my craft.  God has given me a voice and I have the ability to use it and share it with others... Life is good.

As an update to my "conditions," I've had bad days... days where the meds make me exhausted and I have the shakes or trouble holding objects.  I've had days where  half of my body falls numb and my headaches increase. I've had days where no one can seems to give me answers, and I all I can do it turn to God for comfort... but at least He's there for me. 

I am a blessed girl.  In the midst of it all, I find that gratitude and taking time to smile is what gets me through.  Take the time to make someone smile today - it'll help you out too. 

*muah*

Song of the Day:  So, I've got a new computer and equipment and plan to sign up for a sound mixing class this summer... I'm ready to do this!  Here is my most recent cover for #newmusicmonday - "I Can't Make You Love Me," by Bonnie Raitt.  Enjoy!!!

Trial by Forest Fire

Last night, one of my best friends forwarded me this quote as I was doing scripture study, and it reminded me how blessed I am... How if I can put my faith in my Heavenly Father and Savior, I can and will come out on top - all WILL be okay, more than okay, and amazing. 

This week has been a rather tough one - a really hard one.  My life is incredible, and I can not thank the Lord above for all I have in my life.  I have an amazing job that I love, a wonderful roommate and great apartment I can afford, great friends and a support system, clean water, warm showers, soft sheets I can wash each week, delicious food each day, and the ability to hear music and the gift of a voice... I am SO lucky.  That being said, there are days or weeks that things just SUCK.  It doesn't negate how grateful I am, but I think it's important to recognize that we have bad days and life can be hard.

I have a tendency to play the stone - the strong woman who locks away her emotions or reactions to hard situations.  I'm happy to report I have been getting better at being more honest with my emotions and more open with how I really feel -thank goodness, because I feel like I can finally express this in my music now.  However, there are many times it remains my internal struggle.  So, in the process of progression, I need to explain some honest feelings.

In the past nine days, I have been diagnosed with Lyme disease, in and out of two MRI/MRA tests and a bubble heart exam, had a student of mine (for the past two years) take his own life, led a few grief and coping discussions with students, discovered a brain aneurysm, and have heart issues that the doctor would "like to discuss" tomorrow. It's also our Theatre Region Competition on Friday and so late nights are a must each night this week to ensure student success - don't worry, I've been smart and asked other teachers for help.  

It's been a very hard, very emotional week.  I feel like I finally understand the phrase, "When it rains, it pours... and pours, and pours."  I'm trying to look at the positive, and I've actually been finding a lot of silver lining to things, but it's been hard.  I spend a lot of days in pain and feeling completely foggy and un-Linzed.  For those who don't know (I didn't until diagnosed), Lyme can cause the brain to swell and some issues with the neurological and nervous systems.  It's related to some memory loss (that's hugely affected me this year), fogginess of mind, difficulty concentrating, headaches, vision issues, extreme fatigue, poor coordination, and sleep pattern issues - all of which have affected me more and more this past year or two.  Add the brain aneurysm to this, and it's just put some added head pressure, numbness of body and face, tiredness, and muscle spasms.  

Again, I'm not complaining, but I need to be honest about how I feel... and right now, I genuinely feel like life is amazing - and amazingly hard.  I feel confused and nervous about results, and simultaneously grateful for answers and SURE that the Lord will take care of me.  I know through this process, I will grow and learn about myself, my body, and my Savior.  I will become more of the woman I am suppose to be... I know this may sound cheesy, but what's getting me through is the idea that when you go through trial by fire (or a roaring forest in flames), there emerges a Phoenix.  

Job (23:10) state, "But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold." I can become as gold, as I trust in the Lord and allow Him to comfort, guide, and heal me - in all aspects of my life.

"I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted." (Job 42:2)
OR, my personal favorite...

I can be brave.  I can be strong.  I can be triumphant.... but I can only be those things as I allow my Heavenly Father to take control.   With God, ALL things are possible.
*muah*

Song of the Day: I found this song this past week, and it hit me hard... I've felt this way a few times in my life and she nails the emotions down beautifully.  Here is Jessie Ware's "Say You Love Me."  Enjoy!

Riding With Fear: It's Time to Replace Fear with Faith

It’s quite amazing how life recycles itself if you let it.  It’s like a really great, or really terrible, fashion trend.  Every few decades it recycles and becomes a “new fad” or “hip fashion.”  Like life, if we allow it, our situations recycle themselves and come back into play.  This can be a great thing… Or a debilitating road-block. 

I was re-reading some of my old blog entries, attempting to find something for a class, and saw a few things that made me smile just a bit…. The first was this entry from 2008:

“Here is how I feel, right now, this moment. I feel scared, lonely, tired, drained, confused, elated, hopeful, happy, angry, frustrated, discontent, thoughtful, half-baked, wanting, lost... I feel SO many mixed emotions, I have ceased having the ability to make any clear decisions. I wish I could explain in means that were intelligible... Right now, I am describing my feelings as clear as mud. Well, the mud is getting thicker and stickier, and I'm slowly sinking...

It boils down to this. I cannot seem to gain a new future or let go of the past. I cannot seem to live for tomorrow, but am constantly in the future or the past... I am filled with worry and doubt, and that is not a very "Linze" thing to feel. Everyone turns to me for strength and understanding... Not this time. Who do I turn to?

Heavenly Father, of course... and yet, I feel as though he has given me the reins on this one and now I am lost in the desert with only a dying horse to guide me back... I have to choose the paths, and he wants me to learn from each dead end and round-about I encounter.

One day I will look back and be overwhelmingly grateful for these experiences and emotions, but for now I remain in a level of pain. Yes, that's the way to describe the state I am in: One of pain. I thought that was an exaggeration, and it may be, but I am hurting right now and can't seem to find the treatment or medication to numb the pain and heal the wound. Perhaps, tomorrow?”

Now, I have NOT felt in a lot of pain this past year – on the contrary, I have been relieving that pain in so many ways over the past year.  What’s interesting is the feelings of confusion and the middle of this entry (which, in retrospective, I have realized is highly dramatic to put on social media…).  I say, “. I cannot seem to gain a new future or let go of the past. I cannot seem to live for tomorrow, but am constantly in the future or the past... I am filled with worry and doubt, and that is not a very "Linze" thing to feel.”

Well, truth be told this HAS been a very “Linze” thing to feel.  Looking back at my life, I have allowed myself to be filled with worry and doubt over every little thing instead of trusting myself and my Heavenly Father a lot more.  I know “it’s a process” sometimes, but why make everything so complicated?  Why when I know deep down what I want, do I fight it because I’m scared it “might be the wrong choice?”  I do this a lot, and thus, bring on a lot of worry and unneeded stress – and waste a lot of valuable time.  I’m not saying I’ve got the perfect answer to not worrying ever again, but I’m starting to see the true benefit in self-trust and really trusting my Father in Heaven.  I’ve seen the benefit in letting go of what you can’t control and taking charge of what you can while having faith in yourself. 

Another interesting article I wrote in 2008 was my personal goals and mission statement:

“Next Year: I would ideally like to be working for a company I enjoy being involved with and making at least $40, 000 a year. I would like to be heading back to school to complete my Master's Degree, either in Comms or getting my MPA. I would also like to have paid off all of all of my undergraduate loans, live outside of my home again, and own my first car.

Three Years: Be graduated with my Master's Degree and be working in an established events planning/PR job that is making $60,000+ a year. Spend at least a few months living in LA or DC!

Five Years: Have moved up in the company and be in established position, in a significant leadership role. Married; This could happen around the three year mark as well, but I don't know that it will. We'll see.

Ten Years: Married with a few children. Working from home for an events business and improving in my knowledge of event and social trends. Preparing to fund my and open my own events planning business!

From there, who knows if I will be in events or education... I enjoy both, and we will see where life leads me. Of course, a few things will change my time-line... One) If I go on a mission 2) If/when I have my own family they will be numero uno on my list of priorities. So, that will fit in more and more to my list as I get married and have children... I wish I could plot that on my time-line. Haha! I would love to be secure enough with my husband's income to not have to work, but still get to work - if your know what I mean. I really LOVE working and staying busy, so I would love to still be doing a little something... Even if it is simply aiding in my child's Kindergarten class! Haha...

Now, enough of life planning for now. I still have yet to make a Mission Statement for my life... So, I shall give it a shot, but probably do a lot of revising over the course of the week to perfect it:

MISSION STATEMENT: MY LIFE

The mission of Linze Struiksma is to grow and progress toward perfection in pursuit for eternal life. I will live a life full of intensive learning and development as I surround myself with motivating and positive settings and individuals. My commitment to excellence will be shown through my service to others, especially my family. I will maintain a balanced life by being a well-rounded individual – educated in the arts, sports, the political arena, history, current events around the world, and of course, the gospel of Jesus Christ. I will teach my family and friends to do the same within their lives.

To succeed in this mission, I will not fear change and progression within the workplace, church or internally. I will be kind and understanding of all those I come in contact with, as I strive to continually improve my networking abilities and relationships with others. Effective communication, open honesty, and genuine trust will be the foundation for any established relationship. I will always remember to be open-minded and understanding to new ideas or cultures. I will maintain flexibility and patience as new situations are placed in front of me.

My life will be lived to experience true happiness and help others enjoy each day! I will show gratitude to those around me, and tell those close to me how much I love and appreciate them each day. My positive attitude and genuine concern for the individual are to be shared openly with others. I will use my drive, passions, and talents to bless my family and the lives of others – I will share the gift of music and communication with the world. I will teach others to fight for what they believe in, and chase their truest desires by doing so for myself.

I will strive to be a constant example of truth and light to all those I come in contact with, and share my testimony through my actions. I will raise my family to have integrity and live in correspondence with these eternal truths. My educational, occupational, and personal goals are to be centered on my desire to grow closer to my Savior, and become who I was meant to be. Personal responsibilities must always lie in serving others in each project I undertake and decision that I make; doing so will bring me closer to Christ. I will make every effort to convey happiness in my home and social situations, and bring strength to those around me.”

WOW.  Can I just say… life has changed.  Life has NOT gone to plan… and for that I am SO grateful.  I could have been “fine,” in a PR job – I would have been great at it! 

I wouldn't have been as happy.  I have made certain choices in my life that led me down other paths, and I’m not sad about that at all.  Germany through a wrench into everything I had planned, and it was the best detour I could have asked for in my life.  I grew and developed there, and become a fuller version of myself.  Upon returning to the USA, I have loved teaching and my Master’s Program at Westminster was an AMAZING choice for me.  I met incredible people, had amazing experiences, learned a lot about social and political structures, formed more clear opinions, and grow in understanding myself more fully.  Teaching has been fun, and hard, and a time for personal reflection.

But, my goals were completely shattered with those choices.  My one, three, five, and ten year plans, changed and developed into a better plan.  Goals are fabulous, but sometimes, you have to reevaluate and close certain doors so you can walk through another door.  Sometimes, you have to be honest with yourself and let go of a sub-par plan because you want something more, something BEST, for yourself…

I have other dreams that have always been screaming at me from the field, as I slowly walk along the sidelines.  These dreams are begging me to finally give in and play the game – gear up and run with it!  I've been scared.  I've recycled all that fear and the previous years of my life and let it ride with me in my journey… Well, this past year, I started to slowly drop it off where it belongs – the dump.  I wish I had just opened the car door at 60 mph and pushed it out of “the journey mobile,” but it was already riding with me… and so I was scared to let go of the fear.  Promise, this sounds clear in my head.  Here’s the hoping it works on paper too.

Well, yesterday I had a little epiphany.  After a slow drive with the music turned down and talking to God, I realized, I have to close some doors.  I have to do what’s best for ME and what I want from this life (and the next)… I have to move forward and push fear out the window – and just like that, it disappeared.  I’m not saying it’ll never try and slide back into the passenger seat, but I’m actively filling that seat and all the other seats in my “journey mobile” with other things so there’s no room for it… That seat will be filled with Faith, Trust, Self-Worth, Belief, Confidence, Determination, Hard-work, and Passion. 

As for the MOST fascinating part, my goals may have been thrown for a loop, but my personal mission statement is the same.  Read it again.  In honesty, I am still the same ME.  I am just a more developed, better version, TRUER version, of myself.  I still want to be a great person and leader who will make a difference, who has a strong relationship and focus on Christ, and uses my talents in music and character to grow and develop myself and others.  I still want to have a great family and let others know they are loved by being open-minded and happy.  I simply have new passengers with me on the journey and my ride is already feeling much more optimistic and progressive. 

Moral of the ten-year-in-the-making story:  Don’t wait to close the door on fear... In fact, don’t wait. 

*muah*

Song of the Day:  My most recent cover is here, so I’m going to share it!  Here is a song called "Anyway," from a new musical, Tales From the Bad Years.  I'm a huge fan of Kerrigan-Lowdermilk's work and encourage you to look up some of their other songs.  Please take a listen and enjoy! 

Find Your Passion, Find Your Love

I started this entry a few months back, but I'm finally finishing it... Enjoy.

I spent the afternoon grading and listening to inspirational speeches while I did so... I find that personal development during grading helps me focus in a weird way.  It helps the time pass with the possibility of maintaining sanity.  See, I don't love grading papers.... I love teaching - a lot.  However, very few teachers love grading papers.  I love grading scenes and theatre projects (thus, being a full-time theatre teacher next year (see I started this awhile back) is going to be heaven), but not papers... Eh.

The point of this entry, however, is not to discuss my like or dislike of grading.  This is about inspiration and motivation.  This is about finding time in your day, every day, to really give moments to personal development and inner-growth.  My life has dramatically changed over the past year as I have redirected and again redirected myself because of personal development in many areas.  One area, is the development of my mind and intellect.  I have found that as I read more, listen to speeches or talks, and study on words of motivational value, I am a more full and driven individual.

One speech I was recently listening to was a speech from a few years back, given by Steve Jobs at a college graduation ceremony.  I know Jobs can be hyped, but I really do love a lot of his advice and think his unique approach and path are emulatable - yes, I made up that word - in certain circumstances.  I love this advice he gives, which can apply to our lives in school, professions, friends, love, religion, and personal growth:

 "You can't connect the dots looking forward you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something: your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. Because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart, even when it leads you off the well worn path." 

- Steve Jobs

He goes on to talk about truly loving what you do and in a way, who you are becoming and can become: 

"You've got to find what you love... Do what you believe is great work. The only way to do great work is to love what you do.  If you haven't found it yet, keep looking... you'll know when you find it.  Keep looking - don't settle." 

- Steve Jobs

I love this.  Too often we find ourselves stuck in positions of life where we are unhappy or discontent.  These feelings can be a breeding means for two things --> complaint or change.  We can find ourselves growing more negative as we allow the discontent we feel and experience to overrun our lives and thoughts, or we can work to "change our stars."  We can notice these feelings or unhappiness as a call to move.  We are not meant to be stationary creatures, and we are given desires in our hearts to lead us where we need to go in life.  I truly believe we should not settle to settle.  

Now, I'm not saying allow discontent to run your life and never find your happiness so you're constantly running from opportunities or using this as an excuse.  You know, deep down, when you have found yourself in a place you're suppose to be.  You also know, deep down when you should be chasing a different dream or goal.  You know, deep down when a person isn't right for you or when being with someone is a good option to try and pursue.  Sometimes we walk a little more in faith than knowledge, but we feel promptings or even gut-guidance no matter what religious beliefs you harbor.  Don't settle - follow your heart till you arrive at the place YOU should be or with the person YOU should be with because love is present.  Start to genuinely trust yourself.

Here's some real advice to put into action... In the words of Robin Roberts, when fear knocks, let faith answer the door.  Find what you love, embrace that God puts passion into our lives for a reason, take a scary (but necessary) step in the direction of what you love, and have faith when that fear starts knocking... There is soon to be another blog entry on this very topic, so for now, I'll say, to be continued...
*muah*

Ps Here is a site with some great speeches, some of which have the quotes I found for this article: http://elitedaily.com/life/motivation/5-of-the-most-inspirational-speeches-of-our-time-motivate/

Song of the Day: In the spirit of Christmas, which it is, I recnetly recorded a cover of "Grown-up Christmas List," that I wouldlove you to check out! Enjoy and remember, reaching out to serve others is the greatest gift we can give this season... :)

It's a Love/Hate Relationship...

I love running.

I know. I never thought I would hear me say (or see my type) these words either.... ever. Must be a rather nippy day in hell.

All the same, I love running.

I love the feeling of accomplishment when you finish a mile, and even more so when you keep going past that first mile. I love the sense of clearing your mind and just listening to the music or your breathe as you run on back trails and side-pavement. I love the air chilling your face slightly, and the comradery you have with the other runners that pass you on the trail. I love that I feel better, healthier, and stronger with each run... and for that reason, this sticker sums it up.

Yep. I love running... when it's done. Hahaha! There are times, in fairness, that I genuinely love running while running and getting in the groove. However, I usually feel all these feelings of accomplishment and strength post-run. Let's face it - I'd much rather lift something heavy. I genuinely enjoy and crave lifting sessions. I WANT to run sometimes, but I don't crave getting a run in very often.

Sometimes in life, we have to find the joy in things that are hard for us, or the things we genuinely might not enjoy a ton. The key is gratitude. Perfect for Thanksgiving, right? :) As you look for the blessing of actually being ABLE to do those things, you realize the benefits and good behind them. You realize the crispness of the air and waves of encouragement from strangers with like-minded goals. You realize the way you feel and how your legs are literally getting stronger. You realize that you are blessed to be ABLE to run...

This Thanksgiving, my goal is to recognize something everyday of November that I usually dislike or "hate," are take time to recognize the blessing and benefits behind that thing. Today, I am grateful for a body that works and the ability to do hard things. Running is HARD for me sometimes, but I change my mindset, take the first quick step, and breathe deep as I go... Along the trail, I start to see the beauty around me and become more at one with the body I've been given. I have a body that is growing stronger, healthier, and "happier," and THAT is something to make me say, "Thank You."

*muah*

Song of the Day: Let's start this off right with a "holiday" song about gratitude and recognizing the beauty around us. Here is JOsh Groban's song "Thankful." Enjoy!!!

Passion: What Are You Living For?

As of late, the following statement has been said, texted to, sent to, or simply "found" me over again and again:

Find your passion and figure out how to get paid for it...

Passion.  I am an individual overflowing with passion, indulging in the taste of my passions.  I find joy in little things - joy in most things.  However, PASSION is different... Passion overcomes a person's being and there is almost a physical change when they speak with that passion.

"Passion is energy. Feel the power that comes from focusing on what excites you." - Oprah Winfrey

I want to experience MORE passion in my life... Sharing what I love brings out a side of me that makes me more fulfilled as a person.  There are a few places that I find passion in my life...

1. I find passion in teaching.  I find that when I am teaching someone else something new or further developing their minds/thought-process, I feel excited.  I feel that energy and want to keep going and going!  I love teaching and personal development.  I feel passionate when I HELP someone else... PEOPLE bring me a sense of passion and teaching allows me to tape into that passion to help others grow and develop.  Teaching THEATRE allows me to help others find passion within an arena I love and cherish... It's the biggest blessing that I'll be teaching full-time theatre next year.
2. I find passion in my Savior.  Above all, I know my Savior lives, and that He died for me because He loves me.  I know that I have a Heavenly Father who sent my Savior to this earth to live and die for me, then live again.  I know that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, I can be the BEST version of myself and truly learn to live righteously.  I can truly be happy through living like Him and accepting His gift on my behalf... and that's beautiful.  What is there not to be passionate about in a man who loves me enough to DIE for me and take on all my imperfections, simply because He wants me to be ultimately happy?  I am passionate about Christ.
3.  I am passionate about music.  There is nothing I love to do more than singing... nothing.  I feel my happiest, healthiest, and most intelligent when singing and experiencing music.  I learn through song and from melodies... I teach through them as well.  I feel like everything I do in life is creating a personal soundtrack and I hear the melodies playing, feel the rhythms pumping, and see the pictures each lyric creates.  I live in song, and if you were inside my head you would probably think I was slightly crazy.  How many literally (and I'm not misusing the word here) think of parts in their day as actual music videos or think in song as response to others?  I do.  How many hear melodies and song in a walk outside, a car-ride home, or a typing keyboard late at night?  I do. Music makes me alive... music is true passion.  

"Nothing separates the generations more than music. By the time a child is eight or nine, he has developed a passion for his own music that is even stronger than his passions for procrastination and weird clothes."  - Bill Crosby

I don't believe I have been giving my all to my passions... Some of them - here and there.  However, I feel like over the past few years I've become wrapped up in what the world or society thinks I should become, or what feels safe and easy.  I'm happy... but I truly believe I am happier when giving my all to my PASSIONS.  Is anything really worth doing if there isn't passion within the action?

“Passion. It lies in all of us. Sleeping... waiting... and though unwanted, unbidden, it will stir... open its jaws and howl. It speaks to us... guides us. Passion rules us all. And we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love... the clarity of hatred... the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank. Without passion, we'd be truly dead.” - Joss Whedon

Passion IS Life.  Life IS NOT Passion... but a FULFILLED and FULL life IS Passion. 

I'm ready to step into a life only filled with passion.  If you want to do the same, you're more than welcome to walk beside me.  

*muah*

Song of the Day:  I recently decided to start doing covers in an attempt to feel more confident in putting my voice out there again and just to sing more... I LOVE singing, in case you missed that, and so I'm going to make an effort each way to share that love and passion with others.  Thus, here is my first cover.  I sang Sara Bareilles's song, "Gravity."

Lost N' Found: Snail Knowledge

There is beauty is becoming lost for awhile.

Have you ever gotten into your car just to drive until you aren't exactly sure where you are?  You might be able to get back to a place you recognize, but for a time, you're lost...

Have you ever wondered around a city, just exploring and taking in the culture, sights, smells, sounds, and people?  You find yourself in a part of town you're unfamiliar with, and aren't exactly sure how you got to this place.  

Have you ever been so in love with someone you find your will is almost lost?  Your will is almost taken from you in moments and replaced (sometimes misplaced) in another individual or their needs.  You may or may not have claimed yourself IN love with them, but you LOVED them... which causes one to lose sight at times and be blinded in love - for better or for worse.

Have you been lost in someone's eyes?  Lost in a moment - good or bad?  Lost in thought?

I have been lost in all these aspects of life.  I have found the beauty in being lost... in being swept away in a moment, in time, in an individual, in thought.  It's amazing to let go of care or worry and just BE LOST...

I have also been the victim of getting lost... I've felt fear at not knowing where I was, wandering down alleys to try and find my way back to a hostel as it's getting dark.  I've felt the embarrassment of losing myself in a moment when it was neither the time, nor the place.  I've felt the pain in losing my emotions to another individual who didn't have the same intention to return my affection.  I've felt the loneliness of losing my way spiritually and separating my will from the will of my Father in Heaven, and Savior.

There are times when a hyper-emotionally-aware individual, such as myself, just needs the emotional release of letting go and losing yourself for just a time.  Sometimes, getting LOST is beautiful and strengthening!  How is there genuine joy in losing yourself?

Because in those moments, I sincerely believe we find ourselves. 

I have discovered more of who I truly am and who I truly want to be in moments where I have just "let go" and spent time wandering... As I often do, I relate things to religious parallels.  In recent discussions had, I looked back at the story of Moses parting the red sea for the children of Israel.  After the mighty miracle of walking on dry (not even muddy!) ground across the span of the sea and being safe the entire time, they spent years "wandering" in process toward the promise land.  Although God was guiding them, they often found themselves in lost moments... and they felt all the feelings you have (good and bad) in being lost. They had miracles given to them left and right and still felt lost at moments... still had trouble with trust and faith. However, within being lost, many of them sincerely found a relationship with Christ and built their true character.

There is beauty in getting lost.

Over the past few years, I have had numerous moments of being "lost," as I searched for the right place for grad school, the right job post-Germany, the right job post-graduate school, and within many other points in my life.  I filled time and kept wandering and striving toward discovery.  Looking back, it is SO clear how LED I was in my LOST state.  Heavenly Father always had my best interest at heart.  Personally, I can look back and see the past SIX YEARS aligning for me to have the job of Theatre teacher at my specific High School.  My current job was literally six-years in the making.  I can see one thing happening because of my choices, then another, then another.... God has said "never will I lave you; never will I forsake you." (Hebrews 13:5)  I was being LED while I felt slightly LOST in those moments.

My life right now is the same in certain aspects, and I just keep trusting that Heavenly Father is leading me on the path I need to be on... even if I seem a little bit "lost" right now, I feel like I am finding my true self, my true purpose, in the process of my wandering journey.... and it's worth the uncertainty and wait.  It's taught me to replace that uncertainty with FAITH.  Faith in my Savior, faith in myself, faith in others.... I am learning the true power and purpose of faith.

"Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee." - Deuteronomy 31:6

One last thing this has all taught me.  The power of patience.

I am known to be very patient with children (thank you nannying and teaching), and almost nothing else... Haha!  I want to lose weight faster.  I want the driver in front of me to move over so I can kick it into high gear.  I want my braces to come off sooner, and my hair to grow longer quicker.  I want my knee to heal faster so I can run again and lift legs.  I want my voice to be perfectly in shape again by tomorrow. I want all my questions to be answered at the snap of my fingers.... These wants aren't necessarily "bad," but I am recognizing Heavenly Father's hand guiding my impatient desires to allow me to actually learn something from and within each experience.  This instant-gratification woman must learn the beauty in every inch - in every line drawn - and not always rush to the final picture.  There is joy in the journey.... That's where we grow.  We grow when we are lost.

And what's the sweetest part about being lost?  You won't stay lost for forever... 

and there is also beauty in being found.  

*muah*

Song of the Day:  This is perfect... listen to the lyrics!  "Snails see the benefit, the beauty in every inch!" Here is "Snails" by The Format!  I loved this band... :)  To see what inspired this pick, see the pictures in THIS LINK. Enjoy!

Dear YOU -

Dear YOU,

Do you know what you are worth?  I mean, do you really see yourself for all that you are and in the eyes that your Heavenly Father sees you?  In a non-religious sector, do you see yourself for the intelligence, kindness, beauty, talent, and humanity you have to offer?

YOU are worth EVERY happiness.

YOU are worth more than for what you give yourself credit.

You sell yourself short, and you have been selling yourself short.

YOU teach others to grow and see themselves for the beauty they are, and YOU make others believe in themselves.  This is no small feat....

YOU change lives and help others shape their passions and ambitions.  This is no minimal task...

YOU make others smile and believe in something because you believe in them.  THIS is love and compassion, and not all know how to show that to others the way you do.

This is not meant to brag about you or encourage conceit.  On the contrary, this is to help YOU humbly recognize the vast amount of amazingness you have and FINALLY embrace it.  You can move mountains for some, but mostly for yourself... Get rid of the mountains in your way.  Climb over them and learn along the way, or travel around them and discover new paths yet to be found.  Blast through them and tunnel through an exciting adventure... keep learning and growing, and making change happen... because YOU CAN do it.  YOU can make change happen for others AND for yourself.

YOU are just as important as others.  Others are important, but stop for a second and recognize the beauty that is in YOU.  YOU deserve every happiness... and therefore, sometimes you have to serve yourself.  It's okay - really.

I know your whole life you've felt like serving others is the only way to truly find yourself and be happy, but you have to serve YOU too... You have to make time for yourself, your dreams, your passions, your desires.  It's okay to push something else aside sometimes, or to say "no."

I'm going back to YOU deserve every happiness...

YOU cannot sit and play the waiting game with life, with jobs, with men or women, with friends, with decisions... You deserve to ACT and BECOME.  Don't wait on others to help you determine what you want or deserve.  You deserve it all, so go get it... Don't change your personality, interests, or standards for someone else. Don't wait on a man or woman to give you self-worth or validation.  If they don't see how amazing you are and take hold of that, walk.  Keep walking until someone starts to walk and talk beside you... Take THEIR hand because they'll make the effort to keep up with you and they'll recognize your worth.

Find someone who knows YOUR worth, but also know THEIR OWN worth.

Look to God and let Him tell you of your worth... Let Him help you discover what you deserve and be patient with Him.  Just because you're playing on His time-table at times, doesn't mean you can't actively be going for things and that you must forget your own worth.

You WILL fail at things... It does not denote your value.  "...Our destiny is not determined by the number of times we stumble, but by the number of times we rise up..." (Uchtdorf)  Keep on rising up to the challenge because YOU can defeat every obstacle.

YOU are strong.  YOU are amazing.  YOU are worth all the desires your heart can create and muster...

... Believe that of yourself and always, always remember how incredible YOU are simply because YOU are YOU.

*muah*

***This is my message to everyone.  Read it and internalize it for YOU.  Take what you need and pass it on to others so they can do the same.

Song of the Day:  This song sang to me today in light of this entry...  Here's an old one, but a good one - Jessica Andrews with "Who I Am."  Enjoy. :)

Emotion VS Logic

Life.

Life is interesting.

The places that we end up, the friendships and relationships we fall into or create, the experiences we have that allow growth from joy and pain... They make up the person that we are and design the chapters of our life.  There have been times I have chosen wisely, and times I have made some massive decisive errors.  Some of these epic failures have developed out of my knowingly moving forward with a stupid decision.  Some of these mistakes just fell upon me because one action demanded a reaction.  Either way, things happen for a reason.

I tend to make decent decisions and know what's best for me... sometimes I deny that internal knowledge for a contradictory desire, feelings of fear, or even slight confusion, often caused by my emotions.  See, I'm an emotional person.  SHOCKER?  I think not.  I may not be a massive "crier," but everyone who has met me could easily pin-point the bleeding heart on my sleeve and dripping emotion creeping from each pore.  Sorry for the visual, but it simply further illustrates my point.

My question is, WHY are some people designed that way?  Why are are some of us creatures of emotional design, while others are made with logic sequencing as their scepter? I think there is power in both avenues, and beauty within both as well.  This isn't a "grass is greener" moment.  It is simply the acknowledgement of these different individuals existing and the wonderment at WHY we are created the way we are.  If I was literally created with a more emotion-driven DNA strand (in body and spirit), that does not mean I can not learn and master skills on the logically-driven side.  It may be hard as hell, but it's possible.  However, what are I suppose to learn from the way I was created?  How can I help others with this way I was created?  These questions are some I have recently been pondering on as I attempt to reach out and serve others, and help those around me in the best way I know how to offer...

Being the emotional girl I am, I just need to take a second and say that the "blessing and curse" statement completely applies here... That being said, I am so grateful I am me.  I am so grateful I have been given my eyes to see the world and those individuals around me.  I am so grateful I was given my heart to feel others the way I can... The ability to feel someone's brightest smiles and hidden sorrows has always been something that allows me to show love, empathy, and understanding for others.  I'm not perfect at this, but I'm thankful for the moments it has helped me in aiding another find greater enlightenment or joy.

There is no real purpose for the entry, other than to record these thoughts... and this is just the venue I needed to do that today. 

*muah*

Song of the Day:  I love this man's voice... I discovered him a few weeks back and have been obsessed since.  Here is Sam Smith with "Make It To Me."  I love the line, "you're the one designed for me."  Gorgeous - enjoy!